


Always In My Heart

by bluehairedbaby (orphan_account)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Bottom Harry, Cars Accidents, Depression, Endgame Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Established Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Eventual Smut, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Missing Persons, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Burn, Soulmates, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Top Louis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:35:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 45
Words: 58,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21978160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/bluehairedbaby
Summary: One. Two. Three. Four. Five.Five years is a long time to be apart from one's soulmate.Everyone tells him to move on, but Louis isn't ready to let go.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Original Female Character(s)/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 102
Kudos: 209





	1. Missing

**October 2014**

_One Direction’s Harry Styles Reported Missing_

_Unfortunately, your eyes do not deceive you. What you’re reading is true. One Direction’s beloved youngest member, Harry Styles, has officially been reported missing as of last tuesday._

_The band had just finished their Where We Are tour, and had been enjoying time off in their hometowns when disaster struck. Harry was last seen at his childhome home in Holmes Chapel, after spending the week with his mother, Anne Twist, and sister, Gemma Styles. While we’ve reached out for a comment, neither has responded._

_Harry’s car was found at the side of a road, smashed into a tree and seemingly abandoned. No trace of the boybander has been found, causing authorities to suspect foul play._

_The other four members of the band have expressed their feelings on the matter in a series of tweets:_

**Liam** @LiamPayne

Thanks for everyones thoughts and prayers. We will be taking a break from producing new music until further notice, thanks in advance for being extra patient with us. Luv ya, H. Come home safely. 

**Zayn** @zaynmalik

❤️ 

**Niall Horan** @NiallOfficial

Words can’t begin to express how I feel right now. We love you Harry.

**Louis Tomlinson** @Louis_Tomlinson

Like I said, always in my heart. @Harry_Styles

_ Fans are obviously torn up about this as well, and continue to send their love to the twenty year old over social media.  _

_ Harry, if you’re reading this, we love and miss you. We wish you a safe return.  _

**December 2014**

_ Simon Cowell Speaks Up About Harry Styles’ Case _

**Hazza4Ever** @1dismylife

All I want for christmas is for Harry to come back and be safe 

**1DGURL** @mrsmalik

smh not sure if I believe in miracles anymore… its almost been three months… please come home @Harry_Styles

**February 2015**

_Celebrating Harry’s Twenty First Birthday- Without Him_

__

_Where in the World is Harry Styles?_

**Larry❤️loves❤️katie** @thekatieshow

I swear to god, Harry needs to come back already. 

**Lou’s little things** @lilbitchy

@thekatieshow Sorry but that’s rlly wrong… he’s missing… he can’t rlly just come back. He could be kidnapped (or dead even 😰)

**Larry❤️loves❤️katie** @thekatieshow 

@lilbitchy Wait rlly??? 😰 I don’t want him to be hurt!!!

**June 2016**

_ One Direction Has Regressed Without Harry _

_ No Harry, No Music- Two Years Later And One Direction Still Hasn’t Produced A New Album  _

_ Liam Payne Shares Throwback Photo Of Him And (Former) Bandmate Harry Styles  _

**Liam** @LiamPayne

**January 2017**

_ One Direction Performs for the First Time in Three Years _

_ Why One Direction Isn’t Touring Across Seas Anymore _

**OneDirectionUpdates** @larrybitches 

At One Direction’s concert last night, the boys left a spot open for Harry. #wemissyouhazza

**Jackie** @morethanaprettyface

Went to the 1D concert last night! The guys killed it, but there were so many emotional parts during the show. They left a spot for Harry and during Little Things, Louis cried singing Harry’s solo 😭

**Lily** @awkwardadvaark

OMG, Louis broke my heart last night #larry #larryisreal #loveyouharry

_ Louis Tomlinson Breaks Down In Tears On Stage Over Missing Bandmate _

**July 2018**

**One Direction** @onedirection

Thank you to all the fans who have stood by us throughout these past few years. We love you guys so much, and you have no idea how much each of you means to us. Thanks for an amazing eight years. 

Love, Louis, Liam, Niall, and Zayn. 

#8YearsOfOneDirection

**Colleen Jackson** @waxinjackson

…………………… what about Harry? @onedirection

  
  


**Lou’s little things** @lilbitchy

@waxinjackson are you really that dumb? ofc they would leave him out, we haven’t gotten an update on him in years

_ One Direction’s Eagle Eyed Fans Catch Them Leaving Out Harry Styles In Eight Years Celebration Post _

  
  


**December 2019**

_ The Biggest Mysteries of the Decade- From The UFO Sighting To The Sketchy Disappearance Of Harry Styles- That Are Yet To Be Solved In 2020 _

_ Five Years Without Harry  _

_ Is This The End Of One Direction? _

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  



	2. Still Hurting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> reupload of last chapter.

“Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for One Direction!” James said enthusiastically. 

Louis stepped out from behind the curtain, grinning as the fans cheered and stood up for him and the lads. 

James joined them, standing behind his desk, applauding them as they sat down on the couch.

“Alright, settle down, settle down,” James shushed the audience. “Alright, now, how are you boys doing today?” 

“Pretty good!” Liam answered for them. 

“Now, you boys have had a pretty busy year, with your UK tour and everything, can you tell us about what’s going to be coming up for you all?” James asked. 

“Well, we’re going to be doing a couple more performances before the holidays, and then we’re going to take a break for a couple of months.” Liam answered once again. 

James nodded, glancing quickly at his questions.

“And what do you have planned? Are you all going on a trip together, or off in your own directions? Mind the pun.” 

A ripple of laughter went through the audience. 

Louis smiled, hearing Niall chuckle as well. 

“Um, we’re all going to be on our different things.” Zayn said, looking at his friends. 

“And what is that?” James asked. 

“I’m going back to Mullingar.” Niall said, grinning. 

“What are your plans? Let’s go down the couch, Niall first.” James said. 

“I’m just going to visit lots of pubs.” Niall said. “There’s like twenty six in a one mile radius back home.”

“Really?” James asked. 

“Yeah.” Niall said. “Makes New Years a bit interesting.” 

“And what about you, Liam?” “Well, I’d like to spend some time with my family, and of course, Bear.” Liam said.

“Your son, Bear.” James clarified, for the audience rather than himself. 

Liam nodded.

“Yeah,” he said. 

“How old is he now?” James asked. 

“Just about three!” Liam said, grinning with pride. 

“And what about you, Zayn?” James asked.

Zayn shrugged. 

“Like these guys said. Just spending time with my family.” he said. 

James turned to Louis. “And now you, Louis. What are your plans?” 

Louis swallowed hard, and smiled awkwardly. 

“Truth be told, I don’t really know.” He said. “ I think I’m just going to spend the holiday with my siblings, and then pick somewhere random to spend some time alone.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” James laughed. “Are you just going to throw a dart at a map or something?” 

The audience laughed as Louis shrugged. 

“That’s actually not a bad idea.” He said, making the crowd laugh more. 

James waited for the noise to die down before he looked down at his cards.

Louis watched his face grow solemn as he looked up. 

“Now, the next few questions I have are quite heavy, is it okay to get into that?” 

Louis looked around at the other three boys, all looking to him. They knew what was coming. Taking a breath, Louis answered for all of them.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” 

James reached a hand out and placed it on Louis’ shoulder.

“You sure?” Louis nodded. 

James sighed.

“Well, it’s been a really long time since you guys produced any new music, and, um, that’s due to the Harry situation, right?” 

Louis pursed his lips.

He heard a few fans gasp, or go “aww,” seeing the boys’ reactions. 

He nodded slowly. 

James looked at him sympathetically. 

“Now, how are you doing? Are you guys alright?” He asked. 

“Thanks.” Liam said. “We’re doing ok, I think.” 

Niall muttered, “Yeah.” 

“We haven’t heard anything new.” Liam said. “It’s really complicated.” 

“How are you dealing with this?” James asked. 

“Barely.” Niall said. “There’s definitely a sense of failure. People often forgot that Harry was the youngest of us, and there’s always a feeling that’s we’ve failed him somehow.” 

The audience cried in sympathy. 

“We’re constantly writing new stuff.” Zayn admitted. “It just feels wrong without him, you know?”

Louis felt like crying. He rubbed his eyes, trying to get rid of the pricking feeling behind them. 

James noticed. 

“I think we’re going to take a commercial break now. We’ll be back in a minute. This is the Late Late Show with James Corden!” 

The audience clapped. 

The boys rose and exited backstage. 

As soon as they were behind the curtain, Niall wrapped his arms around Louis. Liam and Zayn joined in on the hug.

James walked up to them. 

“I’m really sorry.” He said. “I shouldn’t have asked-“ 

“It’s fine, James.” Louis said.

“Are you sure?” He asked again. 

“Yeah. Totally.” Louis said. “I mean, it’s your job.” 

James nodded, before staring down at the floor. 

“Hey, dont worry about it.” Louis said. “It’s fine.” 

It was, for the most part. 

Talking about Harry was never easy, and Louis was glad that a friend was interviewing them about him rather than some invasive reporter who asked inappropriate questions. 

It was so unfair.

Why did it have to be Harry? 

Why did everything bad happen to the sweetest, best kind of people? 

It was so hard, calling the police every week, only to hear the same, “No, sir, we haven’t found anything new.” 

It was better than when it was a daily occurrence.

Liam had to convince him to stop calling them everyday. He’d tried to get him to stop calling every week, and as far as Liam knew, that was just what Louis was doing. 

When you lose someone, what’s harder? 

How it went down, or the goodbye?

Louis didn’t know.

He never got a goodbye. 

It still sent shivers down his spine. 

One minute, he was waiting at their shared flat, with Liam, Zayn, and Niall, all of them waiting for Harry to come home so they could finish working on Four. 

The next, a solemn policeman showed up at the door, requesting them to come down and identify Harry’s car.

He absentmindedly fingered the ring kept on a chain around his neck. 

It was more delicate than he would’ve ever worn, which is why it was perfect for who he bought it for. 

It was simple and silver, set with a round sapphire and two tiny emeralds. 

Of course it had to be blue and green.

It was only fitting. 

It would’ve been perfect.

It’s just a shame that everything else got in the way. 

Eleanor, PR stunts, contracts… the list was endless. 

Louis could’ve written a book about it. 

100 Ways It Went Wrong. 

Hmm. Not a bad title for what would most likely end up being the most overdramatized book of the century. 

He didn’t even realize he was crying until he reached up to rub his eyes. 

Wiping his tears away, Louis continued to let his thoughts run wild. 

Harry’s name would always be associated with tears, he realized. 

Louis’ tears, Anne and Gemma’s tears, the fan’s tears. 

Everyone had cried for Harry. 

Hell, even Eleanor had cried for him.

Louis smiled, thinking of his “girlfriend.” 

She wasn’t as bad as she used to be- or rather, used to seem. 

Things had changed when Louis stumbled upon her backstage:

Louis turned the corner, following the sobs he heard. 

There she was, her hands holding up her knees as she cried her eyes out. 

“El?” He asked. 

She looked up. 

“Before you ask, it’s fine. I’m fine.” She choked out. 

Louis shook his head. “I’m going to need a better answer.” He sat down beside her. “What’s going on?” 

She let out a few more sobs. He wrapped an arm around her, holding her close. 

“It’s stupid.” She said. 

“It’s fine.” He said. “We’ve all been on edge lately.” 

“I know.” She wiped her eyes. “It’s about Harry.”

“Yeah?” Louis asked. “Tell me about it.” 

She took a deep, shaky breath. 

“Well, I know we were never close, I mean, I was supposed to act like your girlfriend when he couldn’t even hold your hand, but I cared about him, you know? I liked him a lot.” She said, chin trembling. “Anyway, I got a message earlier, over twitter, and somebody was saying that I was probably really happy he’s- for lack of a better word- gone, and I hated that.” 

“Shh.” Louis said. “It’s ok.” 

They sat like that for a while. Her head on his shoulder, him rubbing her back, comforting her in the best way he knew how.

“Louis?” A voice called, snapping him back into the present. “We’re back on in five.” 

He gave a thumbs up, before going to look for the other boys. 

He pulled the ring out and pressed a brief kiss to it before he tucked it back underneath his jumper. 

He needed strength that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, if you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them in the comments.


	3. Sober Up

“When was the last time you saw Mr. Styles?” The detective asked. 

What was his name again? Roberts? Rodger? 

Louis squinted, trying to read the badge pinned on the officer’s shirt.

“Mr. Tomlinson, please answer the question.” The man repeated.

Louis swallowed.

“Last week.” He said. “He’d gone to visit his family.”

“And did you have any contact with him after that?”

“I called him every night.” Louis said, trying not to choke on his words. “And he texted me this morning, and said he was on his way.”

He felt abnormally cold. His heart was sinking deeper and deeper with every question, and numbness was beginning to settle in his stomach.

How could Harry- his Hazza- be missing?

“Is there anyone you can think of who might’ve wanted to cause him harm?” 

“What? No!” Louis cried. 

The detective sighed. 

“I understand that your industry is a cutthroat one, Mr. Tomlinson.” He said. “Is there anyone who he was at odds against, or who could bear a grudge?”

“No.” Louis repeated, more firmly this time. “We have rivals, yes, but nobody hates him enough to do something like this.”

“Did Mr. Styles ever mention any suspicious behavior? Any stalkers or anything?” 

“Not recently.”

“But he has in the past?”

“We’re the number one band in the world, Mr….”

“Robinson.”

“Thanks. We’ve all had stalkers and people hacking us in the past. Ask the other boys. They’ll tell you the same thing.”

Mr. Robinson pulled out a folder, and slid a couple photos across the table. 

“Can you confirm that this car belongs to Mr. Styles?” He asked. 

Nodding, Louis tried to ignore his heart sinking further down into a deep abyss.

The front of the car was totally damaged, split in half from the tree it had run into. 

The front window was smashed, and Louis could see what he really, really hoped wasn’t a blood stain.

“There was no damage from the back or sides, meaning nobody could’ve hit it.” Mr. Robinson said. “What we believe happened is that his tires slipped on the rain water and he lost control of the vehicle, or someone ran him off the road.”

Louis didn’t bother to look up at him. 

“Is that all?” He asked, voice breaking. 

“For now, yes. We might have you come in a few more times, Mr. Tomlinson. But right now, you are free to go.” 

Louis slowly got up from his chair, and made his way to the door. 

Terror started to settle in as he walked down the halls. 

Where the hell was Harry?  
Was he alone?

Was he safe?

Why wasn’t he answering his phone?

What if he was hurt? Or worse, dead?

“Tommo!” Niall exclaimed. 

His blonde friend jumped up at the sight of Louis and wrapped his arms around him.

Liam and Zayn joined him, holding them all in a close embrace. 

Niall released Louis after a minute or two, and took a look at his face. 

“Lou? Are you ok?”

Louis didn't respond. 

He couldn’t breathe. 

He watched his mates’ faces grow concerned, and saw their mouths moving, shouting something inaudible to him. 

He felt himself falling slowly as the darkness swallowed him up in its bittersweet embrace….

“Lou?” 

Louis groaned, opening his eyes to the brightness of the morning. His head felt like it was going to split in half. He was sweating all over, but felt so cold at the same time. Realizing he was hungover, he soon became aware of the fact that Liam was sitting at the foot of his bed, and trying to talk to him.

“Are you ok?” Liam asked. “You were thrashing around.”

“Just a dream.” Louis mumbled, rising from his king size bed, which was way too big for just one person. He clutched his head in his hands.

“Another one?” Liam asked. 

“Yeah.” Louis said. 

“Thought those went away.” Liam handed him an advil and a glass of water. 

“Well, they didn’t.” Louis snapped, grabbing the medicine from Liam and gulping down the water to assuage his dry throat.

“Easy there, Tommo.” Liam held his hands up. 

“Sorry. I’m not feeling well.”

“Really? What’s wrong?” Liam held a hand to Louis’ forehead. 

Louis laughed. 

“Not like that.” He said. 

Liam sat down next to him on the bed. 

“Talk to me about it.” He said, wrapping an arm around Louis’ bare shoulders. 

Louis shrugged, trying to find the words to say how he felt.

“Will it ever stop hurting?” He asked, knowing fully that there wasn’t going to be an answer. 

“I don’t know.” Liam said. “All I know is that it’s been five years.”

“Exactly!” Louis exclaimed, jumping up. “Five whole fucking years! And nothing! Nothing at all. I mean, I’m losing everyone! Harry, my mum, Fizzy...”

He felt like sobbing as he remembered losing Johannah and Fizzy. That was a time he could’ve really used having Harry around.  
“Calm down, Louis.” Liam said. “Listen, I know it’s hard. It’s been hard on everyone, not just you.”

“I know.” Louis grumbled. 

“But you forget it.” Liam said. “You act all surly, but you never talk to any of us. You shut everyone out, and act like you’re the only one hurting.”

“He was my soulmate!” Louis yelled. 

“And he was our brother!” Liam said. “And we weren't the ones doing stupid stuff behind everyone’s back.”

Louis reeled back a little at the last comment. It felt like a slap in the face.

Liam must’ve realized his choice of words hit close to home, because he immediately said, “Sorry. Shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, it’s fine.” Louis said, sinking back down onto the bed. “I just need a wake up call or something.”

“No. That’s not how it works, Lou.” Liam said.

Louis looked up at him, confused. 

“There isn’t going to be some magical waving of a wand that’s going to make you fix your life.” Liam continued. “I would know. You’ve had countless wake up calls, Lou. You always ignore them. If you just saw what you’re doing to yourself…”

Louis felt tears prickling the back of his eyes. 

He knew deep down that Liam was right. 

But it was just easier to drown his sorrows in alcohol and cigarettes than deal with them every night when he was trying to sleep. 

“I don’t know what to do with you.” Liam said, hurt apparent in his voice. 

Louis bowed his head, trying to keep Liam from seeing him as he broke. 

His body began to shake against his will, and the tears were pouring out, and he was a mess. 

Liam noticed, and he stopped talking for a minute to pay attention to his sobbing friend. 

Awkwardly, he wrapped an arm around Louis, and pulled him into a hug. 

“Shh…” He said. “It’ll be alright.”

Louis shook his head vehemently, choking on his words as he cried, “No. No. It won’t be because he’s not here.”

Liam looked at his friend for a minute, not saying anything. He let Louis cry, just to get it out of his system. 

When Louis finally cried all of his tears for that morning, he sat up, and started breathing slowly, in and out, in and out, a technique his therapist taught him. 

“Listen to me for a minute, Louis.” Liam said sternly. 

Louis looked up at him with sad and weary eyes. 

Liam hesitated, wondering if he shouldn’t say what he was about to, but went on.

“I know you don’t want to hear this, but Harry’s gone, Louis.”

Louis stared at him blankly for a minute.

Liam continued, “We might get good news someday, but it’s been five years, Lou. I’m not saying to give up hope, but you should start thinking more realistically.”

Louis looked really confused for a minute.

“Think of the possibilities.” Liam said. “He could have hurt himself and gotten amnesia, and he wouldn’t remember any of us. Or he could be kidnapped and hurt, and traumatized. What I’m trying to say is that it will never go back to normal again. Even if, by some miracle, we manage to find him, he won’t be the same. It won’t be a happy ending instantly.”

Louis swallowed hard, then nodded. He got what Liam was saying. 

“And I know you loved him, but maybe it’s time to move on.” Liam added. 

Louis couldn’t believe what Liam had just said.

Him?

Move on?

Cheat on Harry?

“No.” He said firmly. “Not gonna happen.”

“Lou-”

“No!” Louis shouted. “It would be like betraying him or something- I couldn’t bring myself to do that.”

Liam shrugged.

“Or don’t.” He said. “It was just an idea. But you need to sober up, Lou.”

He gestured toward the empty bottles scattered around the room.

“It’s just sad.”

“I know.” Louis said. “But every time I try, I always fail.”

“How about this? You and I will clean this place up, and you can text me anytime you want to drink. That way, I’ll be able to talk to you and keep you distracted.” Liam offered. 

“Ok.” Louis agreed. 

After a minute of silence went by, Liam said, “Why don’t you go hop in the shower. No offense, but you reek of beer, and I’m sure it will help with the headache.”

Louis nodded slowly, walking towards the bathroom. 

He peeled off his trousers and pants, and stepped into the water, which was scathingly cold. 

He hissed as it splashed on his chest, but grit his teeth together and started rinsing his hair. 

His headache had started to ebb away. It still throbbed occasionally, but it was feeling better than it did a few minutes ago. 

As he washed his hair, he thought about what Liam said about moving on. 

Would he ever be able to do that?

He doubted it. Even the thought of it made him feel guilty. 

But then again, what if his friend was right?

It had been five years, after all. Liam was right when he said things would never return to the way it used to be. 

What if there was somewhere out there for him that wasn’t Harry?

The more he thought about it, the more it made sense. 

He could download a couple dating apps, or something like that. 

He could try and get out of the house, the way he did before everything happened.

The only problem was, the more it made sense, the more wrong it felt. 

He shook his head, even though he wasn’t talking to anyone. 

Maybe one day, he would reach a place where it felt right to date again. 

Today wasn’t that day.

He turned the shower off, and got dressed. 

In a few minutes, he was walking downstairs, wearing a black shirt, sports jacket and white trousers. 

Liam was seated at his table with two cups of tea in front of him. 

He pushed one over to Louis. 

“It’s Yorkshire.” He said. “I’m not sure if I did it right, but I tried.”

Louis took the mug in his hands, and sipped lightly at the hot beverage.

“It’s alright,” he said. “Don’t worry.”

Truth be told, it wasn’t great, but he wasn’t going to complain.

As he drank his tea, a thought occurred to him. 

“Liam?” He asked slowly. “What the hell are you doing here in the first place?”

He watched in amusement as Liam’s eyes grew in size and he slapped his forehead. 

“Shit!” Liam said. “We have a meeting!”

Louis dropped his smile.

“What the fuck?” He exclaimed. “When?”

Liam looked at his watch.

“It starts in ten minutes.” 

“Well, let’s get going then!” Louis practically yelled, grabbing his keys.   
____________

The two rushed into the room, out of breath, seventeen minutes after the meeting was supposed to start.

Everyone looked up at them.

Niall and Zayn were seated next to two empty seats, which Louis presumed were for him and Liam. 

“Where the fuck have you been?” One of their managers, Jackson, yelled.

“Sorry,” Louis said. “Be mad at me, not him. He was helping me.”

Jackson waved dismissively with his hand.

“Spare us the details, we haven’t got much time.”

Louis and Liam sat down next to Niall and Zayn as Jackson pulled out some documents. 

“Now, obviously, you’re about to take a break.” Jackson said. “But we want you to have some time set apart to focus on writing.”

Louis felt his heart skip a beat.

“Does that mean…” He trailed off.

“Yes. We want you to work on a fourth album.” Jackson said. “We think we’ll keep the original name, Four, seeing as that would be appropriate for this situation.”

“Wait, what?” Louis asked. 

Jackson looked at him directly.

“Louis, I’m going to be blunt.” He said. “You boys are losing relevancy. You don’t produce anything new, You don’t tour outside the UK, you might as well be broken up at this point.”

“What about Harry?” Louis asked. 

He could see practically everyone in the room roll their eyes, besides his bandmates. 

Liam tapped Louis’ shoulders and whispered in his ear.

“Remember what we talked about earlier? Think about what I said and apply it here.” He said. 

Louis took a deep breath, trying to control his frustration. 

“Go on.” He said. 

“Look. We’ve pushed back the release of this album for five years because of Harry. We’re losing money and fans, and soon, we might be out of a job.” Jacson said. 

Louis looked down at his feet. 

“You already have a few tracks for the album, like the one Ed Sheeran wrote for you, as well as Fool’s Gold, Stockholm Syndrome, and Night Changes, just to name a few.” Jackson continued. “We want you to focus on writing the other ten tracks for the album. As soon as you get back, we’ll record and shoot a music video for one of the singles.”

“Don’t you think this is all a bit fast?” Zayn asked. 

Jackson shook his head. 

“We want you to be able to tour with new material next year.” He said. 

“Tour?” Niall asked. 

“Yes, tour. We’re looking into booking venues around the world for this one.” Jackson said. “Any questions.”

Dead silence. 

Jackson looked over at Louis.

“Louis? What are you thinking?”

“It just feels wrong.” Louis said quietly. 

“Look, Louis, I understand that you miss your loverboy. I get it. We all do.” Jackson said. “But people are going to lose their jobs if we don’t start to work on this album. You get me?”

Louis nodded, feeling numb inside. 

“I believe that wraps up our meeting. I hope you lads have a happy Christmas. Enjoy your holidays!” Jackson said in a cheery tone that clashed horribly with the mood in the room. 

The boys mumbled their responses, but he didn’t care, walking briskly with the other executives, picking up their phones and answering calls and whatnot.

The boys turned to Louis. 

“You ok, Tommo?” Niall asked. 

“I’ll be alright.” Louis said softly. 

Liam wrapped an arm around his shoulder. 

Louis felt so empty inside, knowing that this was only the beginning. 

Happy Christmas, indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!
> 
> Please comment any ideas you might have for this! I love to hear suggestions.
> 
> All the love, 
> 
> ~bluehairedbaby~


	4. Breakdown

“C’mon, Lou, it’s not that bad.” Liam tried, reaching out to place his hand on Louis’ shoulder as he walked briskly across the parking garage. 

Zayn and Niall followed close behind, jogging in order to keep up.

“Don’t call me that.” Louis said coldly. 

He heard Liam sigh behind him.

“It’s not that bad, Louis-”

“So what?” Louis yelled, turning around to face his bandmates. 

They stopped in their tracks at the sound of his voice echoing throughout the entire parking lot. 

“Did you think I would be fine?” He asked quietly, in contrast to the shout he’d let out only a few moments before. “Did you think I would be fucking happy about this? What did you think, please enlighten me.”

Liam cleared his throat, not knowing which tone he should use to address his friend next. 

“Listen, Lou- Louis.” He corrected himself. “It’s been five years.”

“Yeah, exactly.” Louis said. “Five whole shitty years.”

“It’s been hell for everyone, not just you.” Zayn said. 

Louis cocked an eyebrow. 

“Really?” He asked, spitting out his words. 

He couldn’t believe his friends. 

He went quiet for a few moments, questioning how he would phrase this epic breakdown. 

“Please, Nialler, tell me how fucking hard your life is.” He said, moving closer to the Irish lad. 

Niall shifted uncomfortably, rubbing the back of his neck. 

“Nothing?” Louis mused, chuckling. “Yeah. Thought so. You wanna know how fucked up my life is?”

Zayn reached forward, trying to calm Louis down.

“Louis-” He started to say.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” Louis yelled, backing away from them. 

He felt anger burn where it resided in his throat, a familiar ache, usually accompanied by tears or guttural, choking noises. 

It clawed at his voice, causing it to shake as he continued to yell at them.

“To start, I couldn’t fucking touch the person I fucking loved.” He cried, feeling a sense of satisfaction in his gut as he watched their faces turn from unease to guilt in the matter of a few seconds. “But you wouldn’t know that, would you? No, because you can go and snog and date whoever you fucking please.”

Liam bowed his head, clearly uncomfortable with this monologue that Louis had yelled at them many times before when he’d had one too many pints.

“Isn’t that right?” Louis asked. “Until you wake up and he’s gone. He’s just gone.” He sobbed the last word, before quickly pulling himself together and continuing. “Then, I lost me mum. Then Fizzy. And that hurts more than anything.”

He felt tears prickling the backs of his eyes, but he shook his head, willing them silently to not fall out. The last thing he needed was to cry. 

“But it hurts more when the only person who knows how to help is gone.” Louis said, almost choking on his words. 

He looked around at his friend’s faces. 

Niall looked uncomfortable, pursing his lips and saying back and forth as he switched between resting all his weight on his right leg and all of it on his left leg. 

Liam looked upset. His eyes were rimmed with red, and Louis could clearly see the glazed, glossy look of tears, no matter how hard Liam tried to hide it. He’d seen it too many times in the mirror not to recognize it. 

Zayn… it was hard to tell. Unlike Liam or Niall, he looked directly at Louis, keeping his face as still as a mask, as to not betray any emotion he felt from within. 

But that didn’t matter. 

What mattered was that Louis won. Again. 

Pull the Harry card, or the mum card, or the sister card. 

And honestly, he fucking earned it. 

He’d been through so much shit, the least he should get in return was a little sympathy every now and then. 

Maybe Louis didn’t want sympathy. 

Maybe he just wanted to go back to when things were good. 

When Harry was there to kiss him goodnight. 

When his mum would tell him she loved him every time she called. 

When he could be trusted with keeping a razor in his bathroom drawer. 

When Liam didn’t call his therapist to make sure he was still going. 

When he wasn’t greeted with a hangover every morning. 

Those were the days. 

He thought life was hard before everything happened, but he was so wrong. 

Now, the injustice was not getting to see Harry, not getting to get lost in his beautiful emerald eyes or kiss his plump pink lips or run his fingers through his long chocolate curls. 

Louis didn’t even care that he wouldn’t be able to hold Harry’s hand, it would be enough to just know that there was a hand to hold. 

“I’m sorry if I’m not fucking fine.” He spat, before turning on his heel and marching right up to Liam’s car.

He opened the door and got into the driver’s seat, and without a second thought, he started the engine and began to pull out of the parking space. 

He almost swore he heard a yell from outside the car, but hey, it could’ve been his imagination. 

It was only when he got to the traffic light that he truly broke down. 

The rain was slowly pattering against the window, and he could see the neon lights blurred from the water as it pushed forced off the front window by the windshield wipers.

The sound was almost like music. 

It was soft, then loud, then soft again. 

It seemed to have a calming, sad chorus, a sound that reminded Louis of the things he loved. 

Tea before bed. 

Harry. 

Mum. 

The band. 

Harry. 

Harry. 

Harry. 

And that’s when he lost it.

Louis slammed the palm of his hand against the dashboard, crying out in a mixture of rage and sorrow and pain. 

He broke down in huge sobs, the kind that shook his entire body. 

He pulled himself together by the time the light had turned green, but only enough to drive further down the road.

The tears still flowed down his cheek, burning hot against his ice cold skin. 

“Goodbye hurt the most when the story was not over.”

Sure, Louis had never considered himself to be the smartest, but he sure as hell knew one thing. 

No matter what anyone said, or would ever say, nothing changed the simple truth that Harry and Louis’ story was far from over.

It was just cut off too soon.  
___________

It didn’t occur to him until later that maybe he should’ve waited for Liam to get into the car before driving off. 

And by later, he meant much, much later.

Like, say, when Liam walked into his house and told Louis Niall had to drive him over there. 

“Shit, I’m sorry.” Louis said. 

He was lying down on the couch, face towards the ceiling, beer in his hand. 

“Except you’re not.” Liam said, eyeing the beer clutched tightly in Louis’ right hand. “I thought we had an agreement.”

Louis glared at him. 

“That was before we have to write new music and perform overseas and everything went to hell, Li.” He said in a lofty voice, chuckling to himself.

“How many have you had so far?” Liam asked. 

“Just this one.” Louis said, sitting up and taking a swig from the bottle. “What does it matter anyway?”

Liam stared at him in shock, before throwing his hands up in exasperation. 

“I can’t believe you.” He said. “We literally talked about dealing with your problems this morning.” 

Louis thought for a minute, trying to think of a witty and scathing response to this. 

When he came up with nothing, he just shrugged. 

“You’re a fucking train wreck, Louis.” Liam stated clearly. 

Louis felt anger start to bubble up again in his mind. 

“Take that back.” He said. 

Liam shook his head. 

“No.” He said. “I won’t. Louis, we get it. And we get that none of us know what you’ve gone through. But we don’t want to lose you.” He said, crouching in front of Louis, so that their eyes were at the same level. “What if it had been you?”

Louis shook his head, refusing to hear anything more. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered. “I just don’t know what to do.”

Liam sat down next to him. 

“Maybe talk about it.” He suggested, wrapping an arm around Louis. “And don’t lie to me like you do with Dr. Glass.”

Louis curled his lip up in disgust at the mention of his therapist. 

He resented that bloke. 

“Talk about what?” He asked. “I’m sad.”

“Talk about that.” Liam encouraged Louis, pleading with his puppy dog eyes. 

Louis sighed, before letting his thoughts spill out.

“Well, it’s kind of like, you think something is gonna be forever, you know? And then it’s gone. And there’s no explanation, and you don’t know if you’ll ever be the same again. That’s what it’s like.” He said, voice wavering as his tears betrayed. “I miss him, Li. He’s everywhere. Every time I make a cup of tea, or sing one of our songs, and not the band’s songs, I mean our songs, I just want to cry. But I also don’t want to. I feel like if I start crying, I’ll never stop.”

Liam looked at Louis in a caring way, watching as a tear rolled down one of his sharp cheekbones. 

“You loved him.” He said. “You loved Harry with everything you had. And that’s why you miss him so much. Listen, Louis, I’m no expert, but if you’re waiting to die of a broken heart, I think it would’ve happened a long time ago.”

Louis chuckled a little at this. 

Liam smiled, seeing the humorous gleam in his friend’s blue eyes.

“Listen,” He said. “Maybe just start with the simple steps. We’ll get rid of the beer. Ok?”

Louis nodded, setting the half full bottle he was holding onto the floor by his ankles. 

“And Louis?”

“Yeah?”

“I think maybe you should go home.”


	5. A Dream About Nothing

“Are you nervous?” Harry asked Louis as they lay on the hotel bed. 

Louis looked over at his boyfriend. 

His curls had fallen in front of his eyes- again- and he was currently trying to blow them out, making cute little frustrated faces when he couldn’t.

Louis smirked with amusement as he watched Harry’s nose scrunch up in determination, even though he literally could’ve pushed his hair away with his hands. 

Though, to be fair, Harry’s hands were currently being held by Louis.

Both boys lay on their sides, facing each other. 

Their hands were clasped together in between them.

“Nervous?” Louis asked. “Nervous about what?” 

Harry returned his attention to his lover.

“The release tomorrow.” Harry said. “You know? That’s what makes you beautiful!”

Harry sang the last sentence to Louis, much to Louis’ pleasure.

“Eh. Not really nervous.” Louis said. “Besides, I don’t even have a solo.”

Harry’s face fell. 

“I wish they would let you have a solo.” He said bitterly. 

Louis sighed. They’d had this conversation before, and it was cute to see Harry stick up for him and for Niall, but they would have plenty of chances, right?

“Listen,” He said, catching Harry’s attention. “I don’t give a shit about having a solo. All that I care about it your beautiful voice, signing, making music.”

Harry smiled at Louis. 

“You have a pretty voice too.” Harry said. 

“You give me too much credit.” Louis said, leaning in for a kiss before Harry could protest. 

They prolonged the kiss for as long as they could, savoring the feeling of each other’s lips on their own. 

Louis eventually pulled away, and Harry immediately went into his whole monologue about how beautiful and underrated Louis’ voice was, and how he should have all the solos, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Louis only pretended to listen, nodding occasionally to give the impression he was. 

In reality, he was too focused on the beautiful emerald eyes in front of him. 

He’d heard eyes are the window to the soul. 

In that case, Harry had a very beautiful soul. 

And a kind one, at that. 

Soon, Harry went quiet, which meant his whole spiel was probably over. 

He focused his attention back to the stray curl, which had yet to budge. 

He inhaled sharply and blew against it, but the action was still ineffective.

After a few more minutes of this, Louis reached forward and brushed the curl behind Harry’s ear, locking eyes with him as he did so. 

Harry blushed, but didn’t look away. 

Louis smiled and leaned forward again, sealing their lips with yet another kiss. 

Harry smiled against his lips and reached his hand out, entangling his fingers in Louis’ hair. 

Louis leaned in further, deepening the kiss.

Harry moaned softly, tugging slightly on Louis’ hair. 

Louis also got his fingers in Harry’s hair, softly running the curls through his fingers. 

They had sealed the gap between them, as there was barely an inch of space between the two teenagers. 

Louis suddenly shifted, and Harry rolled over onto his back, allowing Louis to get on top and caress his face in his hands. 

He straddled Harry and kissed him, stroking his cheeks. 

He ran his tongue against Harry’s plump upper lip, and the younger boy opened his mouth, allowing entrance. 

Harry moved his hands from Louis’ hair to his shoulders, rubbing and massaging at his neck. 

Louis also moved his hands, lower and lower, until they brushed Harry’s hips. 

Suddenly, Harry squealed with excitement.

Louis pulled away, smirking. 

“What’s so funny?” He asked.

“Sorry,” Harry said. “Maybe we should take a break for a minute.”

Louis nodded, getting off of Harry. 

They both sat up now, taking deep breaths from pink lips and blushing deeply. 

Harry stared at Louis, almost in wonder, or admiration. 

They hadn’t taken their relationship much farther than innocent make out sessions when they were alone, seeing as they spent most of their time on the X Factor in a house full of other contestants, not to mention sharing a room with three other boys, but they’d managed to respect the other’s boundaries. 

Louis knew that when the day came that Harry would be ready, he’d be there, and it would be beautiful. 

Not to be cheesy or disgusting. 

Harry loved that about Louis- he was a gentleman. 

On top of being hilarious, smart, gorgeous, sexy- gosh, Harry should make a list. 

“I love you.” He said breathlessly.

Louis raised his eyebrows in surprise.

Not that he didn’t see it coming, but it was the first time in a long time that he’d heard that coming from someone other than his mum or one of his sisters. 

“I love you too.” Louis said, smiling. 

Harry giggled, blushing a deep shade of pink. 

“Now kiss me, you fool.” He laughed, and Louis obliged.

___________

“Louis, wake up.” 

Louis felt a hand against his shoulder. 

“Yes?” He asked Liam, wondering why they had to get up so early. 

“We have a radio interview today.” Liam answered. 

“What? Why?” Louis asked. “We’re leaving today.”

“Correction: we’re leaving this afternoon. We’re doing a BBC interview this morning.” Liam said. “Now put on some pants.”

Louis reluctantly got up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. 

He got dressed, as Liam had instructed, and went downstairs, where Niall and Zayn were waiting.

“Took you long enough.” Zayn joked. “Get your beauty sleep, Tommo?”

Louis ignored, and went straight to Niall, who held out a cup of tea for him, already made.

“What’d you dream about?” Zayn asked, trying to make conversation. 

“Nothing,” Louis lied, hiding the bitterness he felt inside. 

They didn’t need to know how much he was breaking within.


	6. A Good Idea

Louis sighed as he entered his bedroom. He flopped onto the bed, exhausted from a long day out. First the interview, which left him rather unsettled, then a meeting to songwrite with the other boys. All of them were pretty stumped, but Louis at least had the start to a song. He just needed to finish it. 

He pulled out his phone, and soon he found himself scrolling through Twitter. It was late afternoon already, and it felt like the day had gone by too quickly. He hated wasting time, but sometimes, even if he put in a lot of work, it always seems like he was wasting time. 

Online, people were mostly talking about their excitement for the new album, or the band’s upcoming appearance in The O2 Arena for the annual Jingle Bell Ball. Louis had been excited when they were told they’d be performing. He rather enjoyed watching the sets online, and it was their first time going in a few years, so that was always a plus. 

He paused when he saw one tweet:

Lily @awkwardadvaark

Honestly Louis just looked uncomfortable in the interview especially talking about his mum and sister   
wtf BBC?? He lost his family, don’t prey on his grief for your own gossip 

He let his thumb rest over the like button, briefly considering liking the tweet. 

The interview had been uncomfortable. That was true. But the consequences of liking this tweet in particular, including a frenzy of fans going crazy over social media, management getting angry at him, articles written about him, would be too much. 

In the end, he decided against it, but screenshotted it, just to remember someone was caring. 

He continued scrolling, seeing another like it. 

UNAGI @ihavestolenthyshoe

They are coming out with an album for the first time in forever, talk about that  
Don’t talk about Louis’ mum, sister, or Harry for your own personal satisfaction, they’ve talked about it enough  
Fuck you bbc

Louis laughed at the third point. It felt so nice to laugh. 

Thinking about it, he had been upset during the interview, though, at the time, he’d simply brushed it off as nerves. 

They had asked very insignificant questions about their album, and had name dropped Harry far too much for Louis’ liking. 

At one point, Louis had to remind them about their album. 

So yeah, that was a shitty interview. 

Louis sighed, turning off his phone. Twitter was toxic most of the time, and if he was trying to get better, he shouldn’t be dwelling on what he couldn’t change. That’s what his therapists had told him in the past. And now, Louis was actually going to make an effort to get better. And that included listening to their advice. 

He leaned across the bed for the notepad and pen he’d left abandoned on the side table the night before. He’d already written a few lyrics down on it, and scratched out some others, leaving a mess of black ink smudges and mediocre lyrics. 

There’s a lighting in your eyes I can't deny 

Without you I’ll never make it out alive

But I know, yes I know I’ll be alright

He hummed softly to himself, crossing out some words and changing others, but never writing down anything knew. 

He remembered that Harry used to have a notebook, or rather, several notebooks that he would write down lyric ideas in. 

Louis knew this because he was the one who got them for harry. 

It had been for their first anniversary, and Louis had bought him a nice, thick notebook, leatherbound and decorated with a sunflower design. Harry had loved it so much, he always carried it everywhere. And when he’d filled every page with his poems and thoughts and songs, Louis bought him another identical. 

It had become a tradition. There were seven of those notebooks in total that they’d had over the years, but Louis only had six. He’d never been able to find the last one. 

Maybe if he had it, he could write a better song. 

He shook his head suddenly. 

No, this wouldn’t do. He was supposed to be getting better. 

Sitting up, he rose from the bed and made his way across the room to his desk. 

His laptop sat on top of the mahogany table, and he opened it up, after remembering something James had suggested. 

He opened up the website he’d been looking for, using his right hand to type and his left to finger the ring on the chain around his neck, feeling the familiar cold curve of the silver metal. 

A few minutes later, he’d accomplished what he’d set out to do. 

Leaning back in his chair, he rubbed his forehead as the reality set in. 

He reached for his phone on the bed, and immediately dialed Zayn. 

He picked up almost instantly. 

Which, to be honest, Louis was kind of used to. Pretty much everyone picked up as quickly as they could ever since his incident a few years back. 

“Hey mate, what’s up?” Zayn answered. 

“I rented a house,” Louis blurted out, before mentally cursing himself for not giving any more context. 

He heard Zayn make stuttering noises on the other end. 

“Are you ok?” He heard him ask.

“Yeah.” Louis said. “I just rang to tell you I rented a house in Scotland. I’m going on vacation.”

He heard Zayn sigh. Whether it was with relief or disappointment, he didn’t ask. 

“Ok, then.” Zayn said. “Thought you were going to say something worse. Are you going alone, or…”

“Yeah, I thought I’d just have some time to think, and maybe catch a breath.” Louis said. 

“Are you sure you’ll be ok?” Zayn asked. 

“Yes.” Louis said firmly, believing it for the first time. 

“I just don’t want you to do anything stupid.” Zayn said. 

“I won’t. That’s a promise.” Louis said. 

“It was a promise last time as well, but that didn’t stop you.” Zayn said, a twinge of bitterness to his voice, as well as regret. 

“I’m not going to do anything stupid, Z. I promise.” Louis repeated himself, trying desperately to convince Zayn. He didn’t want to talk about it. 

“Well, ok.” Zayn said. “Is that all?”

“Yeah. Thanks.” Louis said. 

“I’m going over to Niall’s tomorrow to work on some music, wanna come?” Zayn offered. 

“Sure,” Louis said. 

Maybe now he could finish his crappy song. 

“Alright. Bye. Love ya.” Zayn said, hanging up. 

Louis lowered the phone to the desktop. 

Turning his wrists up to the ceiling, he traced the long white scars that lined his veins.

Reaching out to touch one of them with his finger, he couldn’t help but wonder how things would look had things taken a different turn that night. 

He really needed that trip to Scotland. 

Fresh air sounded like a really good idea right about then.


	7. Flicker

Louis knocked one the door. Within seconds, Niall answered the door with a bright smile on his face. 

“Zayn! Tommo’s here!” Niall smiled at the sight of his friend. “You look nice.”

It wasn’t a lie.

Part of getting better: make an effort to look like you’ve showered in the past week. 

So, Louis had traded in his black sweaters and sweats for something a little more colorful than he’d worn in the past few years. It was something he’d had long ago, a present from Lottie maybe, a light grey knit sweater with a red stripe across the chest. Paired with corduroy jeans and a pair of ADIDAS, and Louis was set for the day. 

He definitely looked better. And somehow that made him feel better, in a way he couldn’t understand.

“Thanks,” he said to Niall, stepping into the house. 

Zayn sat on the carpet, pen in hand, writing something down. 

“Hey Lou.” He said, not bothering to look up from his work. 

Louis came over and sat beside him, looking over Zayn’s shoulder to see what he was writing.

I’d rather be anywhere, anywhere but here. I’d rather be anywhere, anywhere but here. I close my eyes and see a crowd of a thousand tears. I pray to God I didn’t waste all my good years. 

“Nice start.” Louis said. 

“Thanks.” Zayn said, dropping the pen beside the lyrics he’d written. “Just an idea. I’ve had a lot lately.”

“Me too.” Niall said, sitting beside them, guitar in hand.

“I haven’t.” Louis admitted softly. 

Both his friends looked at him with sympathy. 

“Don’t worry about it.” Niall said. “You’ll get there eventually.”

Louis really hoped Niall was right. He loved songwriting, it was one of his favorite things to do. But without any inspiration, he felt useless. Like he couldn’t do even the simplest of things. 

“I’ve got one!” Niall said suddenly, picking up his guitar and strumming a chord quickly, making sure he was in tune. “Wrote it a while ago, so sorry if I forget the words.”

He began to pluck at the strings of his guitar, and a beautiful melody began to fill the room. Louis looked over at Zayn, who had closed his eyes, nodding along to the rhythm. 

“When you feel your love’s been taken, when you know there’s something missing, in the dark, we’re barely hanging on.” Niall began softly, a gentle husky sound to his voice. “Then you rest your head upon my chest, and you feel like there ain’t nothing left, I’m afraid that what we had is gone.” 

Louis perked up, taking in the words. 

“Then I think you’re the start, and it echoes a spark.” Niall crooned. “I remember the magic electricity.”

Louis felt something inside of him bubbling up. Something like sadness. But not sadness, because he also felt…. happy? 

Niall was undoubtedly a good songwriter. Louis always considered the best songs to be the ones that made him feel something. Songs that brought back memories. Like this one. It made him feel something that tasted bittersweet, reminding him of the times he would spoon Harry late at night, Harry always insisting on being the little spoon. Or the times Harry tried to convince him to bake something, and the only result was a half-assed excuse for cookies and a messy kitchen. 

“Then I look in my heart,” Niall sang, nailing the high notes effortlessly. “There’s a light in the dark, still a flicker of hope that you first gave to me, that I want to keep. Please don’t leave,”

Louis felt a tear roll down his cheek. 

“Please don’t leave,” Niall finished, setting down his guitar pick. Louis smiled at his friend, reaching up to wipe his tears away. 

“Are you alright, mate?” Niall said out of concern, suddenly noticing Louis’ red and puffy eyes. “Oh, yeah, I’m good.” Louis smiled. “Don’t worry about it.”

Zayn placed a hand on Louis’ shoulder, shaking his head. “You know, I’ve heard that it helps to talk.” He said, looking right into Louis’ eyes, amber meeting blue. “It’s definitely not the same thing, but when Perrie and I broke up, the thing that really helped was talking.” 

Louis nodded. “I don’t know where to start.” He admitted. “Harry is the love of my life. He’ll always be. And some days, I still wake up thinking he’s downstairs, or that he’s making breakfast, or that he’s coming home today. And he never is.”

He paused, sighing. 

“And I feel stupid.” He continued. “Like it’s all my fault. I haven’t felt alright in years, to be honest. First, it was Harry, then my mum, and then Fizzy. I’m fucking terrified. I feel like everyone I love is going to die.” He shifted uncomfortably. “Or, you know, go missing for years on end.”

Zayn and Niall nodded, encouraging him to keep going. “I always hear him in my dreams. Or I used to, anyway.” Louis said, feeling tears brimming his eyes. “I don’t hear him as much anymore. It’s terrifying.”

“How?” Niall asked. 

“I’m scared I’ll forget what he sounds like.” Louis admitted. “He always used to sing at night. Not to me, necessarily, but he always did it anyways. Even when we fought, I could walk downstairs, and there he was at the piano, or with his guitar, singing his heart out.”

“What did he sing?” Zayn asked, smiling at the memory as tears glistened in his eyes as well.

“He had this one song he wrote, I think he called it Golden or something,” Louis chuckled. “Golden, you’re so golden,” he sang, trying to remember how it went. “He said it was about me. I wish I’d had him record it before- well, you know. I don’t really remember how it goes nowadays.”

Tears were full on streaming down his face as he smiled now. Louis felt oddly joyful all the same. This was proof that he wouldn’t fully forget him. 

“Wow, Lou,” Niall said, in total awe. It had been years since they’d heard anything remotely intimate about the couple- or at least something they hadn’t already heard. But the singing at night story, that was new. “That’s beautiful.”

Louis nodded. “It feels good to say,” He said, laughing suddenly. Zayn and Niall chuckled with him, and for once, the room didn’t feel so tense. 

“See?” Zayn remarked. “This is what we’re talking about.” He touched Louis’ shoulder, rubbing it gently, letting him know he was there. “Hey,” He said softly, “Harry is your soulmate. We’ll always pray for a miracle.” He squeezed Louis’ shoulder. “But this is what we’re working with. It’s not pretty, it’s not fun, but it’s doable. You’ve opened up more in the past few minutes than you have in the past few years. Maybe one day, you’ll be able to find someone new, someone to love.”

Louis laughed, shaking his head. “Doubtful.” He said.

Niall looked him dead in the eye. “Louis- you’re a romantic.” He said bluntly. “You need someone to love. Trust me.” 

Louis thought carefully. Could he fall in love with someone else? The prospect was terrifying, but not unlogical.

“Maybe, Nialler.” He said. “Maybe.”

They looked around at each other, smiling and laughing, just like they used to. And for once, they felt lighter than air.


	8. Prove Them Wrong

It had been a long time since Louis had been in this position, genuinely excited about a show. The mic stood in front of him, amplifying his voice. This was it. The first night they’d sing some of their new music. 

But first, sound check. 

Niall, Liam and Zayn stood on the right side of Louis, all four of them facing out toward the empty audience. Each had a mic stand in front of them, altered to match their varying heights. Their crew bustled on the ground below the stage, shouting orders and changing the volumes. 

Louis hummed softly, trying to remember the melody of their first single. He turned to Liam, who gave him a thumbs up, smiling at Louis. 

Louis smiled back, fitting his hands into the pockets of his ADIDAS jacket. 

“Ok, let’s run Steal My Girl!” One of their tour managers announced. The boys nodded at each other as the track came on, the combined sounds of the piano chords and the beat filling the arena. 

Zayn leaned forward, grabbing the mic with both hands as he sang the opening solo. Louis closed his eyes, listening to his friend’s smooth voice introduce the song, followed by Niall and Liam, until it got to Louis’ part. 

He opened his mouth, singing his heart out. It felt odd, especially considering the boys’ last minute decision. 

“We want you to sing Harry’s part.” Liam spoke on behalf of the others. Niall and Zayn had stood behind him, nodding their support to this display of graciousness.

“Are you sure?” Louis asked, biting his lip nervously. Louis also thought he wasn’t the best singer, and any one of them besides Louis would do more justice to Harry’s memory. 

Still, they’d insisted, refusing to sing at all until Louis gave in. 

He wondered how Harry did this all the time. It was no secret Harry had numerous solos, but Louis never realized the effort his lover had put into his work. 

Harry really did love the music, didn’t he? 

It felt stupid to think like Harry was right there, but with the silver ring tucked beneath Louis’ shirt, he could imagine he was there. 

“Alright, that’s enough! Thank you, boys!” Their manager called. “You can take an hour and a half off before you need to get dressed.”

With that, she turned sharply, her heels clicking against the floor. The room wasn’t big, just enough for a couple hundred fans, but the perfect size for a smaller gig. Louis smiled as he looked around the room, seeing the crew up in the balcony and waving to them. 

He turned back around, seeing the other boys laughing at some joke Niall told. He walked up to them. “I’m going to head backstage.” He announced, before pausing, thinking quickly. “Actually, I’m thirsty. Do you guys want anything?” 

Niall shook his head. “Nah, mate, I’m good.” 

Zayn raised a finger. “Actually, can you get me a water bottle?” 

Louis nodded, headed off the stage. He entered one of the back rooms, where a table of assorted snacks and beverages had been set up. He grabbed two water bottles, opening one as he walked backstage. 

He took a large gulp of water. It was hot onstage, and Louis was parched. 

He turned the corner into a short hallway. He heard whispers. Pausing, he inches closer to the entrance to the backstage area. 

“I don’t get how he’s doing it.” He heard Niall said. Curious, Louis stayed still. 

“Me neither.” Liam said. “One day he’s piss drunk, the next he’s totally calm about it all.”

Oh. They were talking about Louis. 

“I mean, props to him, he’s been through shit, I just feel like maybe he’s lying to himself.” Niall said. 

Well, that was a low blow. Louis resisted the temptation to burst into the room. 

“I don’t think it’s sunken in for him yet.” Zayn mumbled. 

“What do you mean?” Liam asked. 

“He still thinks he’ll find Harry.” Zayn explained. 

Louis’ heart dropped. That was wrong. He was doing better, he was moving on. He didn’t need Harry to live. At least, not anymore. 

“Oh. Yeah, I’ve noticed.” Niall said. 

“Think he’ll ever move on?” Zayn asked. 

Louis heard rustling, someone was shaking their head. 

“Doubtful.” Liam said. “He’s got it in his mind that he’s going to live life for Harry.”

Did he? Louis hadn’t noticed, but now that he thought about it, it made sense that they would think that. 

“We were trying to encourage him the other day. You know, just like, saying he should try and move on. I don’t know, maybe find someone else?” Zayn said. “He deserves romance. And we can’t give him that.”

“As long as he thinks Harry might be alive, he won’t move on.” Niall said. 

Louis pursed his lips, shaking his at Niall’s comment. He prayed that Niall didn’t truly think that.

“You don’t think-” Liam started, but Niall interrupted him. 

“I don’t know what to think. All I know is that five years is a long fucking time to be alive and not come back.” Niall confessed. “I’ll admit I’ve been sugarcoating it for Louis, but I just don’t think we’ll see him again.”

Louis felt a lump in the back of his throat. Something that kept him from breathing properly. Niall really thought that? 

“I’m going with Niall on this one.” Zayn said quietly, taking Louis even more by surprise. Zayn, who had spent hours with him, comforting him, telling him he’d get through this, didn’t think Harry was alive? “I mean, think what you want, Liam, but this is real life.” Zayn said. “Harry probably won’t come home.”

Louis hoped, with everything he had, Liam wouldn’t betray him as well. 

“I suppose you’re right.” Liam said. If Louis’ heart wasn’t already broken, that would have been the final blow. “Should we tell him?”

“No.” Zayn said. “He’s already been in a funk. We don’t want him to relapse.”

“Plus, he can’t bring himself to write a song.” Niall said. “He’s been distant. I don’t want to be the one to make it worse.”

That hit hard. Louis reached into his pocket, pulling out the piece of lined paper, lyrics he’d been excited to show them. Now he wasn’t so sure. Maybe it would be better to keep this one to himself. He returned the beginning of a song to its place in his pocket. 

He’d finish it eventually. 

“Maybe we should check his bag.” Niall said. “You know for razors and stuff.”

“Shut up, Niall.” Liam defended Louis. “He has been making progress.”

“I’m just saying. I don’t want to lose two friends.” Niall defended himself. 

That’s it. Louis was getting uncomfortable. Yes, he’d been careless, getting drunk that one afternoon, but that was not something he wanted to be a point in somebody else’s conversation.

“Hey,” he smiled, rounding the corner. “Here’s your water, Zayn.” 

Zayn took the plastic bottle in his hands, mumbling a quick ‘thank you’ to Louis. 

Louis took a sip from his own bottle, all the while staring at the boys, who had no idea if he heard their conversation at all.

He’d prove them wrong. He’d write a song. He’d show them Louis Tomlinson could live life for himself. 

He’d show them he could move on.


	9. 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, idk how to write in italics on this site, so the flashbacks are in between paused in louis’ solo. i hope that makes it a little easier to understand.

Louis straightened the collar of his jacket, placing his microphone to the side. He gulped, hearing the screams of fans as they eagerly waited for them to come out on stage. 

It was a year since their last tour had ended, but then, they’d only sung their old music, usually with Zayn or Louis on Harry’s parts. They hadn’t performed since, save for the couple radio and tv interviews they did. But now, it would be different. 

They hadn’t released a track list yet or even the name of the album. They’d quickly shot the name Four down, pointing out that it was too insensitive to Harry’s disappearance. Jackson had rolled his eyes at their insistence, but relented. Now, they had to come up with another name, not to mention write the remainder of the album. 

No pressure. 

It was rather nostalgic to listen to the fans getting all hyped up for new music. The boys had a plan: excite the fans with the prospect of new music, tease them with the singles, then make them wait for the release. 

Louis smiled. It was an idea of his, actually, and he was happy it had actually gone through. That was the fun part of creating, he guessed, getting to put your ideas first. 

Liam walked over, placing a hand in his shoulder. “Hey,” he said softly. “You ready?” 

Louis nodded, grinning. “This is exciting, innit?” He asked. Liam laughed. “Sure is.” He clapped Louis on the back. 

Zayn and Niall walked over, mics in their hands, smiles on their faces. They formed a circle with Liam and Louis, all the boys with their arms around each other. 

“Ok.” Niall said. “This is gonna be weird. But it’ll get better and easier as we go along, and right now, there is a full audience of fans waiting for us.” He smiled proudly at his band mates. “So let’s go smash it!” 

Liam cheered, clapping his hands, and Zayn cracked a grin. Louis smiled at his friends. This night was about the friends, and they would go out on stage in a few minutes and give it their all. 

——

The night was going great. So far, they’d sung What Makes You Beautiful and Steal My Girl. It was amusing to watch the crowd go from from screaming the lyrics in their oldest song to listening in hushed silence as the boys sang their newest song, dancing along all the while. 

Hushed silence was a bit of a stretch. It was more like they sang loudly, the fans screamed when they had solos, and they did their best to sing over the fans.

Now it was time for Louis’ favorite song. Ed Sheeran has written 18 for him and Harry, and he remembered falling asleep listening to it, Harry curled up against his chest, soft curls intertwined between Louis’ fingers. 

Even now as they sang the song, it brought back memories for Louis. 

They were on stage during the UAN tour. Louis was sitting on the couch during the Twitter segment, one leg crossed over the other. The other boys were sitting around him, Harry behind the couch. 

“I got a heart,” Louis sang, “and I got a soul. Believe me, I will use them both.”

He felt Harry’s lips brush against his ear, making him squirm. “You look amazing.” He whispered. Louis smiled at the compliment as Harry leaned in even closer. 

“I wanna go all the way tonight.”

“We made a start, be it a false one, I know.” Louis continued as the crowd cheered quietly. He noticed one sign in particular, competent white except for two hearts, blue and green. He smiled and waved at the girl holding it. “Baby, I don’t want to feel alone.”

“Christ, Haz.” Louis gasped as Harry kissed his neck, pushing him up against the hotel door. Harry sucked at his pulse point, certain to make a mark. It didn’t matter if he did, it wouldn’t have been the first time. 

Louis finally managed to open the door, the two boys falling against it and into the room, onto the bed. 

“So kiss me where I lay down, my hands pressed to your cheeks,” he sang loudly, “a long way from the playground.” 

They were completely naked, Louis inching lower and lower, looking up at Harry the whole time. Harry grinned back cheekily. “You look absolutely gorgeous from down here.” Louis said in awe. 

Harry waved a hand in dismissal of the compliment, chucking the bottle of lube at Louis to shut him up. Louis chuckled, grabbing the bottle. 

“I have loved you since we were eighteen,” Louis stretched his arm out as the fans screamed. He felt a rush of joy, looking down at all their teary-eyed fans. “Long before we both thought the same thing.” 

Their sweaty bodies were pressed together, chest to chest. Louis looked into Harry’s eyes, searching for permission. Harry locked eyes with him, nodding as if the question was asked out loud. 

“Please,” he asked breathily, cheeks flushed. 

Louis nodded, pushing in while his eyes locked with Harry’s. 

“To be loved, and to be in love.” Louis sang. 

They lay in bed together under the duvet, Louis brushing a curl out of Harry’s face. Their eyelids felt heavy; both were exhausted post-orgasm high, eyes almost closed. 

“All I can do is say that these arms were made for holding you.” 

Louis kept his arms wrapped around Harry’s body, the younger boy curled up into his chest. His emerald eyes were barely open, their beautiful color only visible by the slightest of cracks. 

Louis smiled at Harry, pressing a kiss to his soft lips. “I love you.” He said softly, making Harry smile. “I love you, too.” Harry said, snuggling closer to Louis. 

“I wanna love like you made me feel when we were eighteen.” Louis finished his solo, looking back out at the crowd. Most of their fans were screaming. Some were in tears, some were smiling. 

Louis looked behind himself at Niall, wood raised the mic up to his lips to sing his solo next. 

Louis smiled, only feeling immense joy at the memory and at the song. The song would likely always bring back memories, but this was a good memory, so who was to say if the other ones wouldn’t be just as amazing? 

Maybe this wouldn’t be so hard.


	10. Let Go

“You killed it, Lou!” Niall shouted after they left the building. Louis smiled at his friend. “Thanks, Nialler.” He said. 

“Yeah, you sounded great tonight.” Liam smiled. Louis nodded at Liam, walking a little ahead of the group. He felt weird looking them in the eye after hearing their conversation. 

Why did he listen to them? Why couldn’t he have just walked back in to cut them off, or walked away? Why did he have to be so stupid sometimes? He should’ve just walked away when he could’ve. But no, as usual, he fucked things up for himself.

“Hey, Louis, look at this.” Zayn said, handing Louis his phone. Louis squinted at the screen, smiling as he read the tweet aloud. 

“18 is such a Larry song,” he laughed. “Nobody can change my mind.”

He chuckled, handing the phone back to Zayn. “Funny.” He said. Zayn looked puzzled. “That’s all you think?” He asked. 

Louis stared at his friend for a minute. Then it hit him. Zayn showed him that tweet for the sole purpose of seeing his reaction. Well, if Louis was moving on, then he wasn’t going to be thinking about Harry. 

“Yeah.” He shrugged. Zayn glanced at Liam and Niall, before speaking again.

“Anyways, you did really well.” Zayn said. Louis turned to him. “Thanks.” He said. 

“I really liked 18.” Niall said. “What’d you think, Lou?”

Louis plastered a fake smile to his face. Niall, too. Honestly, how many times was he going to have to dodge these questions to prove to them he’s over it?

“I liked the lyrics.” He said nonchalantly. He tried not to say too much, not wanting them to say he was making everything about Harry or being whiny and not caring about anyone else but his missing lover. 

Or dead lover. Maybe Louis should just start accepting reality. 

“Plus, I smashed that solo, so…” He trailed off, making Niall laugh. He smiled at his friend’s chuckles. He pulled his coat tighter around himself, the night air as cold as ice. 

“Hey, Lou, we were thinking of going out for a couple pints, do you wanna come?” Niall asked. Liam’s eyes widened. He nudged Niall with his elbow, and Niall was about to cry out, before he realized his mistake. All of the boys stared at Louis waiting for his response. 

This was another test. 

“Nah, I’ve been sober a couple of weeks.” Louis said. “Don’t wanna stop now.”

Liam sighed, relaxing. He smiled at Louis. “You seriously haven’t drunken anything?” He asked. Louis shook his head confidently. “Nope.” He said. 

“I’m proud of you, mate.” Liam said, putting his arm around Louis’ shoulder. 

Louis had to admit, he felt proud of himself, too. There were a few years he didn’t think he would ever be able to fall asleep with being drunk out of his mind. He was in a different club every night, dancing with different men and women. But never kissing. He never laid his hands on anyone, or the other way around. 

Maybe that was something he should think about. Sure, he wanked off and fingered himself every so often, but not a lot. It was hard to get off while being disturbed by the thought of Harry. It felt wrong to think of him in the act, but it was the only way Louis ever got off. 

After all, he was human. And humans have needs. 

Maybe he didn’t have to even get back into a relationship- he could just find someone to spend the night with, nothing serious, just a one night stand. That could work. 

“Thanks, Liam.” Louis smiled at his friends. “Well, if you’re going out, I’ll just head back home.” 

Liam nodded. “Alright,” He agreed with Louis. “Well, see you tomorrow.” 

Louis waved, walking away from his bandmates. He made his way down the street to the parking lot. It wasn’t a long walk, maybe two blocks. 

While he walked down the sidewalk, cold air chilling him to the bone, he thought about his idea. The more he thought about it, the more it made sense to find someone to hook up with. After all, sex was just a physical thing. It didn’t have to be romantic.

But then he thought about him and Harry. That was romantic. It had meaning. It was amazing, because they loved each other. 

And now he wanted something he could regret in the morning? Something without meaning?

He sighed, disgusted with himself. He was only kidding himself. 

What was Louis even trying to prove? That he could exist without Harry? What kind of bullshit was that supposed to be? 

He pinched the bridge of his nose between his index finger and thumb. He was hopeless. Not even a day in, and he was already ruining his whole plan. He thought about Harry, he failed at the simplest of tasks, why couldn’t he do anything right?

He probably should’ve just gone clubbing with the boys. God knows how long it would take for him to break his sobriety. 

Harry was the best part of his life. He was his everything. The first thing he saw when he woke up, and the last thing he saw before he slept. His voice of reason, his moral compass. The glue that kept him together. 

Louis never got to see him past twenty. 

He never got to spend their fourth Christmas together with him, when he was going to give him the ring he now wore underneath his jacket. He pulled it out as he thought about it, tracing the warm metal with the cold pad of his thumb. 

He looked down at it. It was supposed to signify a forever. Something that lasted your whole life. Something you could never get tired of. 

Now, looking down at that same ring, he felt empty. It felt like a broken promise. 

Closing his hand around it, he placed it in his pocket. 

He loved Harry. That was undeniable. But now, it was time to let him go. It was the only way to move on. 

So Louis did the only thing he could. He let go.


	11. a ring and a song

“Aww, Lou!” Harry cried. “It’s beautiful.” 

Louis smiled. “I knew you would like it,” he commented, sliding the silver band onto Harry’s finger as the younger boy blushed madly. 

They were sitting at their dinner table, after eating a lovely meal (which Harry had spent hours in the kitchen preparing as a surprise for Louis). It was a beautiful evening, golden sunlight streaming in through the windows, illuminating the whole room, giving it a soft, almost angelic glow. 

It was Louis’ idea to exchange gifts- it was their anniversary, after all. 

Harry’s gift was lovely- a ticket to a Script concert for Louis to go to. It was sweet, although Louis wished he could go with Harry. Management would never allow them. But Louis’ gift was more than Harry expected. 

After two years spent together, Louis decided to make a promise. He’d been at the store, and stumbled upon the ring section- it wasn’t by accident, nor was it the first time. Louis had been there several times before, dreaming of the perfect day. But this time, Louis got a simpler ring- it wasn’t going to be the ring he proposed with, but it was perfect for what he wanted to do. 

He’d pulled it out of his pocket, surprising Harry. Thinking about it, Harry must’ve had the shock of his life when he’d pulled it out, thinking Louis was going to propose or something. Louis planned to get there one day. 

But instead of asking Harry to marry him, he did something else. He used the ring to seal a promise he made to Harry: to get him a better ring one day, and when they were free from the contract, marry him with that ring. 

Harry had said yes, of course, and Louis slid the ring onto his finger, adding it to the many Harry already wore on his fingers. This way, the fans wouldn’t be able to tell which ring was significant or not. 

Harry smiled at his hand, lifting it in front of his face and wiggling his fingers around. He turned to Louis, grinning madly. “Thank you so much,” He said, pulling Louis in for a kiss. Louis placed his hand at the back of Harry’s neck as their lips connected, moving against each other softly.

When they pulled away, Harry’s lips kept moving, as if begging for more. Louis smirked, cupping his hands under Harry’s arse and lifting him up. 

Harry squealed, throwing his arms around Louis’ shoulders. Louis smiled up at Harry. 

Harry was getting very tall, yet somehow, Louis didn’t mind. He pressed his lips against Harry's again, and they kissed right there in the middle of the kitchen, Louis holding up Harry. 

They gasped for air when they broke apart, cheeks flushed and lips swollen. Harry looked straight into Louis’ eyes. “Bedroom. Now.” He whispered. Louis chuckled, carrying Harry out of the kitchen.

-

Louis sat at the kitchen table, the lights in the room off, the only light coming from the windows. Raindrops trickled down the glass of the windows. 

He’d set the ring down in front of him, staring directly at its silver gleam.

He still remembered the day he’d bought it, searching for the perfect ring for hours. He must’ve gone to at least nine different shops. When he saw it in the glass case, the sapphire and emeralds set in the silver, he’d known it was the one.

-

“How much longer until he’s here?” Liam asked, perched lazily on Louis and Harry’s couch. Louis swatted at his feet, forcing Liam’s dirty shoes off of the white couch. Harry would hate coming home to see the mess the other boys had made. 

“I don’t know, he hasn’t answered my texts yet.” Louis said, turning around to see Niall holding a bag of crisps. Louis sighed. “Nialler! Stop eating all of our food!”

“Can’t help myself!” Niall laughed, crisp flakes spraying from his lips. Louis’ lip curled up in disgust.

“Calm down, Lou.” Zayn chuckled, placing a hand on Louis’ shoulder. “It’s just Harry. He’s not going to care what the house looks like.”

“Are you kidding?” Louis asked. “He’s definitely gonna care.” 

Zayn sighed. “Lou, he’s not gonna. Trust me, he’s seen all this before.” 

Louis knew Zayn was right, but he also knew something the others didn’t know yet. The weight of the ring felt like a million bricks in his pockets. He had everything planned out- the bottle of wine in the pantry, chicken and parma ham in the fridge, ready to cook, the ring strategically placed in his right pocket, not in its velvet pocket, because Harry would instantly notice that.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. “That’s probably him,” he muttered, opening it up to reveal that it wasn’t a call from Harry, it was instead an unknown ID. He shook his head, answering it, knowing full well it was probably a spam call.

“Hello. Is this Louis Tomlinson?” A voice on the other end asked. “Yeah, am I in trouble?” Louis chuckled, a little nervous. 

“We need you to come down to the London Police Station to answer some questions in regards to Mr. Harry Styles.”

“Wait, what?” Louis asked, grabbing his jacket. “Is he in trouble?”

“We’re unsure. His car was found at the side of the road, totalled. We’re trying to locate his whereabouts.”

The voice continued to speak, but Louis didn’t hear. The phone slipped out of his hand, dropping onto the floor.

“Oh my God! Louis!” Zayn cried, rushing to his friend’s side. Louis shook his head, not smiling, not crying, just numb. 

-

Louis shut the velvet box, closing it over the ring. He opened his bedside drawer, placing it in the very back of the drawer, behind some tissues and an old bottle of lube. He sighed, rubbing his eyes. Falling back on his pillows, he picked up his notepad, looking at the words he’d written. 

one life for the two of us  
hope I make you proud  
you’ll never know how much I miss you

He thought to himself, hoping he could make a song from that.

-

Louis stared at the bottle in front of him. He’d almost drunk the whole thing the night before. It was almost half-empty now, almost taunting him to finish it off. 

He knew he’d just wake up with another hangover, but he was too lost already in another stupor, for what seemed liked the fifth night in a row.

He had never been a heavy drinker, but it was the only thing that numbed the pain. Ever since he’d had to spend New Years alone, he’d been drinking at night to help him sleep. A beer or two every other night turned into getting wasted every night too quickly. 

He knew it was stupid, he knew it wouldn’t help. But at the same time, everybody coped in their own ways, right? It wasn’t like this would become a permanent thing. Harry would be back soon. He would stop then. Everything would be better.

It wasn’t a good habit, but he could stop when he wanted to. He’d get sober after Harry was back. It wasn’t a big deal. 

He leaned forward, grabbing the bottle of whiskey with his hand. He twisted the cap off, before raising it with his hand. 

“Happy Birthday, Harry.” He said, his words slurring as he placed the bottle to his lips and tipped his head back, letting the liquid slide down his throat, burning like fire against ice.

-

Louis looked at what he’d written, almost satisfied. He didn’t have a melody yet, but he figured having piano to back this one would be a nice touch. He looked at the clock, surprised at how little time had actually passed. 

He’d done it.

He’d written a song, and pretty fast, too. 

So why did he still feel uneasy? What did he have left to prove?


	12. you win some, you lose some

“What do you mean it doesn’t fit the album?” Zayn asked, outraged. 

They were all sitting in the office, facing Jackson as he sat behind the wooden desk. Their manager sighed, rubbing his temples with his hands. His hair was slicked back with gel, which did nothing to compliment his hairline. 

Louis felt anger bubble up inside of him. Niall and Zayn had both played their songs, which they’d worked hard on, for Jackson and his team. And they were told no.

“Look, boys,” Jackson said. Louis rolled his eyes, already bored of the condescending tone Jackson always used when they talked to him. Imagine being almost in your thirties and still being called boys. “The theme of the album is meant to be light hearted. Your fans have already been through enough turmoil the past few years, what with Harry missing, they deserve something to lift the mood.” 

“What about what we’ve been through?” Zayn cried. “Are we supposed to pretend we’re alright with it?”

“Listen, your songs were good, they just don’t fit the genre we’re looking for.” Jackson said. 

“We wrote those songs from personal experience. And you don’t think that’ll get the best reviews?” Niall pointed out.

“It has nothing to do with personal experience, and everything to do with demographics.” Jackson countered. “A large portion of your fanbase is underage. And, referencing Zayn’s song, ‘too much drugs and alcohol’ isn’t going to fly by with the parents of these teenagers.”

“Our fans have also grown up! They’re fucking adults, man.” Zayn said. “You don’t think they’d love to hear a more mature sound?”

“You’ve produced music like what we’re talking about before, what’s the difference now?” Jackson asked. 

“We were teenagers!” Zayn cried. “Can you blame us?”

“Zayn, nobody wants to hear about developing addiction problems after tragedy.” Jackson said, with a glance in Louis’ direction that sent waves of rage down Louis’ spine. 

“The song isn’t even about that!” Zayn said. “There’s a video of me smoking pot on the Internet, the world knows I’ve done drugs, what’s the harm in owning up to it in the form of our music?”

“Zayn, for the last time, it will not benefit you in the long run.” Jackson said harshly. Zayn slumped in his chair. Louis fucking hated meetings like this- no matter how hard they fought, or how hard they tried to prove their points, even though they knew they were right, management always had the final word. “Moving on.” Jackson announced. “Louis, you’ll be doing a pap walk with Eleanor this week.”

Louis’ blood ran cold. “No, I’m not.” He said. “I’m going home this week.”

Jackson looked at him directly, furrowing his bushy eyebrows together. “Look, Louis, we can’t put up with your crap every time. You’re doing a pap walk with Eleanor, and that’s final.”

He looked back down at his papers. Louis felt overcome with rage, and before he knew it, his fist was slammed down on the table, and everyone in the room was staring at him. “Look,” He said. “I see my family only every so often. It’s less than I want to. I wished I could have spent more time with my mum, or with my sister, and now they’re gone.” He took a shaky breath. No tears this time. “I need my family this time of year, and I will be going down to see them this week. I think it’s much more important than whatever straight narrative you’re still trying to push on me.”

Jackson laughed in disbelief. “Don’t put the blame on us if you didn’t read the contracts properly.” He said. Louis had never wanted to strangle him more. 

“You need to do the pap walk with Eleanor, because people need to know you’ve been spending at least parts of the holiday together. You’ll be with your family over Christmas, that should be enough.” Jackson continued. “And after the whole debacle with Harry, this time of year, the focus is on you.”

Louis understood exactly what this sleazy, two-faced slimeball was trying to say. Every year, people analyzed the way he behaved, if he looked like he was grieving, or crying in public, or missing his ‘friend.’ 

He wanted to reach for the ring under his shirt, except it wasn’t there anymore- he put it away, not to be seen again. At least for a while. 

“Harry is gone.” Louis said. Liam, Niall, and Zayn all looked up at him in shock. It had taken five long years, and now, hearing Louis admit it, it almost felt like the last nail in the coffin of the memory of Harry Styles. “What is there to prove anymore?” 

Jackson sighed, removing his glasses. “You saw the fans’ reactions to 18. They believe it’s about you two.”

Because it is, Louis thought.

“They pick up on everything.” Jackson continued. “I hate to say it, but they’re clever. If you slip up in even the slightest way, they’ll catch it.”

Louis threw his hands up in frustration. “What could I possibly do to slip up?” He asked. “Stand on the rooftops, scream that I’m gay?” He rested his hands on the edge of the desk. “Harry and I were supposed to be the best of friends, right?” He asked, mocking their narrative. “We lived together, everyone knows that. We used to spend so much time together, we used to do so many things together, before you chose to restrict that. Tell me, how is it inappropriate to mourn a friend?” 

Jackson looked up at him, dumbfounded. Sighing, he made a mark in his papers. “This is the only time you’re getting off easy, son.” He said. “The pap walk will be canceled.”

Louis exhaled. Sitting back down, he felt the eyes of his bandmates on him. That was the first time he’d talked back to them in a long time. 

And damn, he forgot how good it felt to win.

“Continue to work on your music, hopefully when you all return from the break, you will have better results for your album.” Jackson instructed. “Have a Merry Christmas.” He said the last words bitterly. 

Louis rose from his chair slowly, walking out of the room liked he owned the place. For a moment, it felt like he did. 

“Damn, Lou!” Liam cried as soon as they were out of the building. “Didn’t know you had that in you!”

“Thanks,” Louis said. 

“That was fucking amazing.” Niall said. “Seriously, not even kidding.”

Louis smiled at his friends, who were clearly excited about Louis’ win. Except for Zayn, who hadn’t said a word. 

“Did you really mean it when you said Harry was gone?” He asked. Niall and Liam looked dead silent. Louis breathed in shakily, before replying, “Yes.”

The other three gave each other weird looks. Louis didn’t know why they were so surprised, it’s not like they weren’t saying the same thing just the other night.

“That’s… that’s quite the shock.” Liam said suddenly. 

“Why?” Louis asked. 

“No reason, just, I mean, you were so close,” Liam said. “I guess we never thought you ‘d say that.”

Louis nodded, almost shaking. “Ok, well, uh, see you later, I guess.” He said, turning quickly to get to his car without another word. 

Once he got into the driver’s seat, he couldn’t stop shaking. Didn’t they want him to accept Harry was gone? 

If so, then why were they so surprised when he finally did?


	13. Homeward Bound

Louis knocked on the door, careful to not wake anyone up. It was late, almost midnight, but he couldn’t bring himself to wait until morning to go home. He knew by the light in the kitchen that at least one of his siblings would be there to open the door for him. 

And, as usual, he was correct in his guessing, and it was Lottie who opened the door. “Louis!” She exclaimed. He smiled. “I didn’t know you were coming, it’s so late.” She reached out to hug him. He wrapped his arms around her, reciprocating the hug. “It’s been too long.” He remarked. “That it has.” She agreed.

They stepped inside, escaping the chilly night air. He’d get his suitcase out of his car in the morning. 

Two minutes later, the kettle was boiling and two mugs were set out on the counter. Lottie bustled around, grabbing the tea bags. Louis tried to help, but he didn’t know what more to do, as Lottie seemed to have it under control. He admired how she’d managed to put things right after their mother’s death. And she’d never faltered, even after they lost Fizzy as well. She helped Dan with Ernest and Doris, and helped Phoebe and Daisy and best she could. Louis wished he had half of her strength. 

“Alright, there you go.” She said, handing him the mug. He thanked her, sipping lightly as steam rose from the ceramic mug. 

“How are you doing?” She asked. He shook his hand in a way that said ‘not too good, not too bad.’ It had become a sign she’d learned to recognize over the last few years. “I’m doing better.” He said.

“That’s good.” She said. “I saw a video of your concert on Youtube. You sounded really good singing that one song, what was it called? Something about eighteen?” 

“18.” He answered, grinning. He knew she’d like it. 

“That was my favorite.” She smiled. “You all sounded good.”

“Thanks.” He said. “Who all is here?”

“Everyone but Anne and Gemma. They’re coming after Christmas.” Lottie said. Louis nodded, taking in the information. He rarely saw Anne and Gemma anymore, only on holidays. He meant to see them more, but it was hard to think of more conversation topics with the woman that you, at one point, thought would be your future mother-in-law other than her late son. 

“I started writing again.” Louis said. 

“Really?” Lottie asked. “What’s it about? Can I hear it?”

Louis chuckled. “It’s a song that’s addressed to someone you’ve lost.” He said.  
“Personally, I’ve lost a lot of people, so it’s about all of them, I guess.” He explained, not naming names. “I haven’t gotten a melody yet, so you can’t hear it yet.”

“That sounds really good, Louis.” Lottie said. “I’m proud of you.”

He smiled at her words. “Will it go on the album?” She asked. He shook his head. “No.” He said. “It won’t fit the theme.”

She frowned. “Sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah, and now I have to write more songs for this album.” Louis said, rubbing his temples. “I don’t know how we’re supposed to pull this off.”

“I’m always here if you need help.” Lottie offered. “And, if you’re in London, I’m just a phone call away.”

He smiled at her. “Thanks.” He said. 

“I remember when you used to come over with Harry, you two would just be spitting out songs like that.” She said, snapping her fingers for emphasis. He nodded, pursing his lips. Seeing his crestfallen face, she added, “I’m sorry if I brought up anything you didn’t want to talk about.”

He shook his head. “No, don’t worry about it.” He said. “I’m moving on.”

Lottie looked confused. “Are you happy?” She asked. 

“I am.” He lied. She smiled. “That’s good. As long as you’re happy.” She said. 

Looking at the clock, she turned to exit the room. “I’m going to check on the twins, and then I’m probably just going to go to bed.” She announced. He nodded. “Go on then.” He said. She left the room, chuckling.

He picked up his mug, which was half empty at this point, and turned off the kitchen lights. Making his own way down the hall, he opened the door to his childhood bedroom. 

It had changed since he’d moved, of course. Whenever he brought Harry home, they couldn’t share his old twin bed, so they got a full sized one to share. Other than changing random bits of furniture, it hadn’t changed dramatically. 

His bed was immaculately made, the posters were still on the walls, and the framed photo of Harry and him was still on the bedside table. 

He smiled at it, picking it up. He remembered that day. 

It was the first time Harry met his mother, and he desperately tried to make a good impression. He pulled out all his party tricks- jokes, juggling, etc.- and they seemed to impress Louis’ sisters more than they did Jay. But his mum always said that she liked him from the start, he just had that much charm. 

Louis closed his eyes. He could almost picture it. Trying to share his twin bed and failing. The way Harry snuggled up into his chest as he fell asleep. Louis, staying up after Harry fell asleep, just listening to Harry’s soft snores. 

That was a perfect day. 

He turned the photo over, making a mental note to put it away in the morning. He had to say goodbye to Harry if he wanted to get better. 

He stripped down to his pants, crawling into bed. 

As he fell asleep, he couldn’t help but feel like he was anywhere but home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short, but i wanted to get a double update in. hope you enjoy!


	14. Birthday

It was nice to be back home. Honestly, it was. Getting to catch up with Phoebe and Daisy, playing with Doris and Ernest, having tea with Lottie- this was what he needed. Now that he wasn’t surrounded by reminders of what he’d lost, he could finally start to move on. 

Not too mention, spending his birthday with his family was a huge plus. 

He woke up by being poked in the eye. He cursed as he shot up, only resulting in giggles from the culprit, Ernest. It took a lot of persuading for the young boy to promise not to repeat Louis’ words, but eventually Louis got up, walking into the kitchen to be greeted by a chorus of ‘Happy Birthday’ and a cake, even though it was early. Louis blew out his candles, but didn’t eat a slice quite yet, opting to cut it later in the afternoon, when the younger twins would be allowed to eat it as well. 

As he drank his tea, Lottie placed a box in front of him. He looked up at her. “It’s just a little something for your birthday.” She explained. “It’s not that big, but I thought it should at least look fancy.”

“Thanks, Lottie.” He said, unwrapping the box and opening it up. His eyes widened as he saw what was inside, and he cracked a genuine smile for once. Inside the small box lay two tickets to a Doncaster Rovers game, a week from that day. 

“I figured you and Stan would want something to do while you’re in town.” She said, sitting down in the chair beside Louis. 

“Thank you!” He said. “This is really nice.”

“You’re welcome.” She smiled. “So, what about that song you’ve written?” 

“I think I’ve got a melody. I want to sit down at the piano when I have time.” He said. 

“That’s nice.” She smiled. 

He picked up his spoon, scooping some sugar into his tea. It was a special day, after all, and he felt like he deserved a bit of sweetness. 

“So, have you written anything else?” She asked. He shook his head. “Why not?” She asked. “You’ve written some of the band’s best songs.”

He shrugged. “Have to be in love to write good songs.” He mused. Lottie stared at him in confusion. 

She wondered to herself, thinking of all the times he’d referred to Harry as the love of his life. People don’t just go from this to that in the span of a couple months.

She’d have to ask him about it later.

\---

“Man, that’s awful.” Stan said, shaking his head while Louis recounted Jackson’s demands of the new album. 

“Trust me, I know.” Louis muttered, taking a sip of club soda. Stan offered to buy him a beer for his birthday, but Louis refused him- he wasn’t going to break his sobriety now. Stan applauded him for his self-control and ordered two club sodas for them. He didn’t feel like it was necessarily fair that Louis would have to drive him home on his own birthday. 

“Anyways, have you been having fun back home?” Stan asked. Louis nodded.

“Yeah.” He said. “Lottie got us tickets to a game next week.”

“Nice.” Stan said. “She’s an angel.”

“She is.” Louis agreed, proud of his little sister. 

“Hey, do you remember when you were doing that charity match, and Harry watched?” Stan chuckled. “Your managers had a whole freak out after you hugged on camera. Innit funny?”

Louis did remember that match. Not that he wanted to. “Yeah,” He said, shifting uncomfortably. Stan continued. 

“Oh, and when you were in Wellington? Man, shit hit the fan after that.” Stan laughed. 

Louis pursed his lips, forming a thin line. That had been a fun night, and he was totally drunk, but he remembered clearly trying to kiss Harry in front of their fans. Luckily, the videos that were released weren’t the best quality, and management spared them- only slightly. 

He thought that if there ever was a day he was scared of their management, it was that day. Harry had cried after they left the room, and Louis practically had to smother him with kisses to get the tears to stop. Once they were home, Harry made some offhand comment about how life couldn’t get much worse. 

Louis hoped Harry was happy now, wherever he was. 

“So, how’s your family doing?” Louis asked, changing the subject. He listened to Stan as he talked about his family, kind of paying attention, but not really.

His birthdays were rarely something to look forward to, but part of him had really been hoping this one would be different than the rest. 

\---

The drive home was fairly boring. He and Stan didn’t talk too much, and when they did, it was pretty trivial stuff they talked about. 

He dropped my Stan’s flat to drop him off. They waved goodbye, and Louis began his solo drive home. 

Maybe he was being stupid. Everytime he tried to forget Harry, his memories forced him to relive their best moments together. 

And yeah, he’d done some stupid things. The scars on his wrist would testify to that. And he’d always be grateful to Niall for dropping by his house that afternoon he’d drunk himself into a stupor and stumbled across a razor. 

But the last thing he wanted right now was to be stupid. 

As he pulled into the drive, he sent a silent prayer, hoping to stop his endless track of stupid decisions. 

He stepped out of the car, pulling his jacket closer to his body, the chill of the night settling in. Per usual, there was one light on in the house, in the kitchen. Lottie was probably enjoying a midnight cup of tea. He smiled at the thought. 

But when he walked in, he was greeted with a different sight. 

Lottie was sitting at the kitchen table, stirring a cup of tea. She looked directly at Louis, staring him down. “Sit down.” She ordered. “We need to talk.”


	15. What's Going On?

Louis looked over at Lottie, who still stared at him. “Ok?” He asked, chuckling. “What’s this about?” She waited until he took a seat to answer him. She stopped stirring her tea, letting the spoon rest in the mug, a small clink! made as the metal hit the ceramic. She rubbed her temples with her fingers, sighing.

“What is going on with you?” She asked, not looking back up at Louis. He arched an eyebrow, confused. 

“What do you mean?” He asked, laughing nervously. 

She looked up at him with tired eyes. “What’s going on?” She repeated. “You’re not yourself.”

He threw his hands up in confusion. “I have no idea what you mean.” He said. 

“Ok, how about this.” She suggested. “Why haven’t you talked to me about Harry?”

He went silent. So this is what it’s about. Well, obviously, she was going to be confused for a while, so it wasn’t that much of a surprise. 

“I know you hid the picture of you two.” She said. “I was cleaning earlier and found it in the dresser. Why would you do that?”

He hesitated. “I’m trying to move on with my life, Lots.” He explained. “I don’t want to be reminded of what we had.”

She sighed. “That’s not how it works.” 

“What do you know?” He asked.

“I know so much!” She raised her voice. “Stop treating me like a kid!”

“Shush,” He said. “You don’t want to wake up the others.” She glared at him as she got up from her chair.

“Mum died, are we going to pretend she never existed?” She asked, voice hushed. “What about Fizzy?”

“Lottie, that’s not what I mean-”

“Then what do you mean?” She asked. “Because it sure seems like you mean that.”

“I was in love with Harry.” He said, also rising from his seat at the table. “I need to do it differently.”

“Oh, so you ‘were’ in love with Harry.” She used air quotations. “Did you use to love him, but you don’t anymore? Did you use to love Mum, huh?”

“Stop bringing Mum into this!” He whisper-yelled. “You and I both know that I love her.”

“So why don’t you love Harry anymore?” She asked. 

“I need to put him to rest in my mind if I’m going to move on with my life.” He said. 

“And you believe that?” She asked. He sighed, rubbing his eyes. “I’ve been told-” he started, before Lottie cut him off. “Who told you?” She asked, her voice threateningly soft. “Who?”

“I overheard the boys-”

“They don’t know shit!” She cried. “And if you overheard, then what you heard was a personal opinion and you shouldn’t take it literally!”

“But-” He tried again.

“No buts!” She cried. “You seem so insistent to forget him! You two were perfect for each other, you can’t just forget that!”

“Why shouldn’t I forget something that only hurts!” He cried, his voice cracking. 

She sighed. Reaching for her phone, she opened it up quickly, typing in a search. “What are you doing?” He sighed. “I was going to show you this earlier, but now seems like a pretty good time as well.” She said, holding her phone up in front of her face. “I saw this threadon Twitter a few days ago, I’ll read it to you.” She cleared her throat. “The time I met Harry Styles.”

He shook his head. “Please don’t.”

She ignored him, continuing. “When I was about thirteen, I came out to my mom and dad. My dad accepted me, but my mom didn’t know how to take it and left. I was made fun of at school, and at my worst, thought of ending my own life.”

Louis shut up, listening.

“I was obsessed with 1D. My dad promised to take me to a concert if I agreed to see a therapist.” Lottie continued. “On my fifteenth birthday, I finally got to see them in concert.”

Louis smiled a bit, glad the person telling the story finally got their wish.

“After the show, I ran into Harry at a coffee shop and got to talk to him for a while. It was one of the best conversations of my life. I told him about everything, and he told me how brave I was. I started to cry after that, so I don’t remember much, but I remember he hugged me and told me everything was going to be alright. That was the first time anyone ever told me that.” 

Lottie looked up, putting her phone away. “This is why you need to remember him.” She said, pleading. “He’s one of the best things this world had to offer, and yeah, we’ll miss him.” She put her hand on Louis’ shoulder, looking into his eyes. “There’s always going to be a hole in your heart for Harry as long as you two are apart. But with time, the lining around that hole is going to stop being so tender, and you’ll find a way to go on, remembering him.” 

Tears started to well up in her eyes as she went on, “You know, when Zayn called me, and told me you were in the hospital because you tried to kill yourself, I collapsed.” She cried. “I didn’t know what I would have done. I didn’t even know if things would ever be the same.” She hugged him suddenly, sobbing. “And you know, they won’t. But they can get better. With help, and time, and healing, things can get so much better. I promise. We’ll get through this.”

Louis wrapped his arms around her, his own tears streaming down his face. “You’re right.” He whispered. “You’re so, so right. When did you get smart?” 

She laughed. “I don’t know.” She said. “I guess I just went through a lot. You have to adapt sometimes.” 

“I’m sorry.” He said. “I fucked up, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, you did, kinda.” Lottie said. “But that’s alright. I just wanna help, and I hate it when you’re trying to be someone you’re not. You only end up hurting.” 

Louis nodded. “I’m sorry.”

“You said that already.” Lottie chuckled. “Do you wanna talk?”

Louis sighed. “Yes,” he said. “Where do I even start?” He rubbed his eyes. “You know, we used to talk about what we’d do after we could come out. We’d get married, buy a house in Essex, maybe adopt a baby after a few years.” He smiled. “He alway wanted a daughter. He’d talk about names constantly.” 

Lottie laughed a little, sitting down next to him. “What did he want to name her? Hypothetically, I mean?” She asked.

“He had a few he liked.” Louis said. “He liked Darcy and Olivia, but he always decided on Jane. He said it was like combining Jay and Anne, but where it made sense.” 

“That’s sweet.” Lottie said. “Mum would’ve had a kick out of that.”

“You know, I was going to ask him to marry me.” Louis said suddenly. Lottie shot up. “What?” She asked. “Are you serious?”

Louis nodded. “Yeah. Got a ring and everything.” He admitted. “No one knows. You’re the first I’ve told. Besides Mum and Anne. I asked Anne permission.” He explained. 

“Wow.” Lottie said, admonished. “Do you still have the ring?

“Yeah, but it’s back at home, in London.” He explained. 

“I’m sorry, Louis.” She said. “I know you loved him a lot.”

“I still do.” He said. “And you’re right. I’m never going to forget him, not even if I try. Not that I’m going to try,” He explained. “I wanna do better. I’m going to do better.”

Lottie nodded. “I believe you.” She said. “And I promise, I’ll be right here for you however long you need it.” 

Louis smiled, leaning back in for another hug. She wrapped her arms back around him, sighing. “You’re the strongest person I know.” She said. “And I love you.”

“I love you too.” He said.


	16. Two Of Us

It was the afternoon of Christmas Day. The family had woken up and shared breakfast, just like they always did for Christmas. Louis got up extra early to help Lottie prepare pancakes. They made regular ones, along with some with chocolate chips for the younger twins. Breakfast was nice and sweet (not just because of the pancakes.) The adults shared jokes over cups of coffee and tea, while the twins (both sets of them) sat down beside the tree, fully decorated, to open their presents, wrapped carefully by Louis, before Louis corrected it and made the wrapping actually look nice.

After sharing stories of the Christmases before, everyone had gone out to eat. Everyone except Louis. He had a lot of thinking to do. 

It had been nice to swap stories and memories. Their family had lost loved ones, but they still managed to get together when they needed each other most. Louis loved that. No matter how horrible he felt, even when he felt like it was the end of the world, one of his family members was always there to pick him up. Even if they were only there in spirit.

So there he was, sat at the piano, his notes in front of him. A pen inside his hand, he was finally ready to put his lyrics to a melody. Taking a deep breath, he placed his right hand on the ivory keys, testing out a few chords. He scourged his mind for the memories he had of his loved ones. 

•••

His mother drove him to the X Factor auditions so he could try out. He’d been so eager the whole ride, she was surprised he didn’t wear himself out with excitement. That day, from start to finish, she’d been his biggest fan. That was the funny thing- he’d always believed firmly that she was his biggest fan. Even Harry agreed with him. She was always there for him, whether she was watching him perform onstage or calling him over the phone. And after he’d lost Harry, she’d driven herself down to London to care for him amidst phone calls from the police and messages from distressed fans. She was always the one he could turn to for help. And when she passed, he felt an emptiness like never before- knowing that he would never get to call her for advice again, or hear her tell him everything would be alright, hurt like hell. But, at the end of the day, he knew that she always had an eye on him, watching out for him. 

•••

“It’s been a minute since I called you,” he sang, finally finding chords that suited the song. “Just to hear the answer phone. Yeah, I know that you won’t get this, but I’ll leave a message, so I’m not alone.”

He checked his notes, looking for what was next.

“This morning I woke up still dreaming, with memories playing through my head,” he continued, “you’ll never know how much I miss you. The day that they took you, I wish it was me instead.”

•••

Getting the phone call about Fizzy was such a shock. She was so young, she had so much life left to live. He’d had to sit down on his couch for a long time, sobbing his eyes out. Eventually, with a little time and a beer or two, he called management, asking for a week off from their revival tour to take time to mourn. The whole ride home, he couldn’t help but remember all the times they’d shared together while they were kids. Wondering and regretting every time he didn’t call her, or tell her how much she meant to him. He loved her so, so much. He hoped she knew that. 

•••

“But you once told me don’t give up, you can do it day by day,” Louis sang, switching up the melody a bit. “And diamonds, they don’t turn to dust or fade away.”

Slowly, but surely, he played the chords carefully, singing along. 

“So I will keep you day and night, here until the day I die, I’ll be living one life for the two of us, I will be the best of me, always keep you next to me, I’ll be living one life for the two of us,” Louis promised, “even when I’m on my own, I know I won’t be alone, tattooed on my heart are the words to your favorite song. I know you’ll be looking down, swear I’m gonna make you proud, I’ll be living one life for the two of us.”

•••

And then, there was Harry. There were so many memories. The best ones instantly came to Louis’ mind- jumping into his arms after they were placed into a band together, their first kiss outside of the X Factor house as they looked up at the stars, giving Harry the promise ring. He was truly one of the kindest people Louis had ever known. The world truly lost its biggest star. Harry had the biggest heart of anyone Louis had ever known. He was the sweetest lover, friend, artist, and above all, he was a role model to his friends and family. He treated people with the utmost respect, and there was rarely anyone who met him that instantly had a problem with him. No matter how the media chose to portray him as a womanizing playboy, it couldn’t have been further from the truth. And thinking back to the last time Louis had seen Harry, he remembered him being so quiet and reserved, as though he was trying to shelter himself from everyone, even Louis. No doubt, the things people said about him took their toll on Harry, and it was greatly reflected in his personal life. Louis did remember seeing Harry smiled one last time, as he drove off to visit his family for the weekend. They’d shared a kiss goodbye, and Harry waved, and then he was off, leaving Louis to himself for the weekend, preparing the ultimate proposal. He wished he’d known what was to happen in the coming days- he’d have gone with Harry, or better yet, convinced Harry to stay. He wished that wherever Harry was, whether he was alive or dead, he was happy. He hoped Harry wanted the same for him. 

•••

“We’ll end just like we started, just you and me and no one else,” Louis sang, “I will hold you where my heart is, one life for the two of us.”

He took his fingers off of the keyboard, writing down what he’d composed, before pulling out his phone, recording a quick, simplified version of it. He smiled as he sent the recording to Lottie, along with a message about the song. He hoped she enjoyed it.

A few minutes later, his hopes were confirmed by a sweet message from his younger sister, gushing about the song, telling him how she had to play it for everyone at the table. He smiled at the thought. 

He’d lost people near and dear to his heart, but that didn’t stop him from being able to be happy. Because that’s what he was feeling. He was feeling very, very happy, for the first time in a long time. And he knew, that he was finally, truly betting better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, so this was a pretty heavy chapter to write, so i hoped you enjoyed it. please, if you have any constructive criticisms, leave them in the comments. i'm always looking for ways to improve!


	17. Happy New Year's

A broom in hand, Louis was sweeping bits of glass off the floor. “Sorry, Lou.” Doris apologized profusely. “Don’t you worry about it, sweetie,” He said, leaning to brush the last pieces into the dustpan. 

Much to the little girl’s dismay, she accidentally pushed a glass off of the counter with the back of her hand when she was reaching for a cookie. Luckily, Louis was there to pull her away before she stepped on any shards with her bare feet. 

“Louis, Anne says she and Gemma will be here in ten minutes!” Lottie called from the other room. 

“Shit,” Louis cursed. He quickly turned around, pointing a finger at Doris, whose eyes had widened at her brother’s slip of tongue. “You don’t get to say that, ok?” He said. She nodded, her eyes still wide. 

Lottie came rushing in, wearing a slim black dress. “You’re not even dressed!” She cried. “People are getting here in less than half an hour, you’re still not ready.”

“It’s just New Year’s, Lottie, it’s not like the Queen is coming.” Louis said, sifting the shards of glass into the trash bin. 

“Easy for you to say, you’ve met the Queen.” Lottie retorted, flipping her hair over her shoulder. Louis sighed, returning the broom and dustpan to their spot in the pantry. “It’s just a party, Lottie, and it’s just our friends coming.”

“Still, it’s nice to look, well, for lack of a better word, nice.” Lottie said. “There’s a shirt I set out for you on your bed.”

“I saw.” Louis said. “And I ignored it.”

“Please, Louis?” She begged. “Just do this one thing for me?”

“What’s going on?” He asked, resting a hand on her shoulder. He could see her visibly tense up at his touch. “Is there a reason you’re so stressed?”

“I just want to make a good impression.” Lottie said.

“These are our friends. What impression do you have to make?” Louis reminded her. “Is there something else you wanna talk about?”

She sighed, relaxing for a minute. “It’s just- ever since we lost mum, I’ve tried to show that I can be the grown up and I can do things on my own and I don’t need any help or condolences or-”

“Lots,” Louis sighed. “Don’t worry about that. Nobody is going to judge you.”

She cried out slightly, rubbing her temples with her hands. “I know that,” She said, “but nothing stops me from feeling like this.”

“Hey,” Louis reassured her. “Look at me.” She turned to face him. “I get how you’re feeling; trust me, I’ve been there. But beating up on yourself- that’s not the answer to this. Just take it easy, there’s no pressure.” He grinned, adding, “And if me dressing up nice helps you at all, I will march up to my room and put on that damn shirt.”

She smiled at him. “Thanks,” She said, leaning in for a hug. “You’re the best.”

“I know.” He smirked. Lottie swatted at him with her free hand. “Shove off.” She said. 

“What about me?” Doris cried, and both Louis and Lottie were reminded of her presence. They looked at each other, smiling. 

“I’ll take care of it.” Louis said. “Try not to stress out too much.”

\---

Louis walked down the kitchen a few minutes later, wearing nicer trousers and the shirt Lottie had set out. It was nice, soft, with long sleeves that covered the scars on his wrists. They were fading, but still it didn’t take long to figure out what it was caused by. Most of their friends knew but didn’t bring it up, wanting to give Louis a little respect. 

He’d taken Doris and Ernest upstairs, and let Dan tuck them into bed. They were a bit too young for a New Year’s party, or at least staying up until midnight. 

“Louis, I need help!” Lottie called from the kitchen. He walked in to see what she needed him to do. She held a couple glasses in her hand as she walked across the kitchen, where’d she’d already set a few glasses onto the counter. 

“Anything you need me to do?” Louis asked, picking up two more glasses to set beside Lottie’s collection. “Um, let’s me,” Lottie pursed her lips. “Can you bring another chair in?”

Louis nodded, leaving the room to grab another chair for Lottie. He brought one in, placing it beside the table. 

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. “Oh, that’s probably Anne.” Lottie commented, moving a bowl of chips across the room. “I can get it if you want-”

“No, I’ve got it.” Louis said. He walked to the door, reaching out a hand to open it.

“Louis!” Anne cried, smiling. Louis grinned back, holding his hand out to help Anne with the bottle of champagne she held. He wrapped the other arm around her shoulders, embracing her. “Gemma’s getting some cookies, I baked them before we drove up, I hope that’s alright,” Anne said.

“No, don’t worry, we always welcome more desserts!” Louis chuckled. “So, how are you? How was your Christmas?”

“It was pretty good, actually.” Anne said. “We had a good time. You?”

“It was great.” Louis said truthfully. 

“Hey, wait up!” Gemma called, running up from behind them. “Hey, Lou!”

Louis smiled at her. They’d been pretty close friends at one point. Of course, they’d drifted apart over the last couple of years, what with Gemma doing her own projects and Louis constantly touring in an effort to keep One Direction alive. 

“How’ve you been?” She asked. 

“Tired,” He laughed. They walked into the kitchen, where Lottie promptly greeted the two women. “Hello!” She cried, hugging Gemma and taking the tray of cookies from her. 

“Louis was just telling us how tired he is.” Anne said, making everyone laugh. 

Yeah,” Louis sighed. “I suppose you’ve heard about the album?”

“Oh, definitely. It’s all over the Internet.” Gemma laughed. “I always get questions about it, I don’t even know why anymore. I don’t know anything.”

“Well, to put it simply, we don’t have a name, we barely have any of the tracks written, and they want this out in less than four months.” Louis sighed. 

“That’s awful!” Anne cried. “I know,” Lottie agreed with her. 

“I thought you had a few tracks written a long time ago.” Gemma commented. 

“We did, but they’re lost.” Louis groaned. “Wish I knew where they were. It would make things a lot easier.” He turned around to face the women. “But that’s not important right now. We have a party to throw.”

Lottie grinned. “That’s what we’re talking about! Let’s get to it.”

\---

Louis held a champagne flute in his right hand, hanging out in the back of the corner. He wasn’t usually one to converse at parties. Whenever the band was invited to the afterparties of award shows, he would usually just follow the boys around while not speaking. He only found enjoyment in alcohol at those parties. 

Now, he somehow managed to find enjoyment without drinking. The glass in his hand was full of sparkling cider, apple flavored. And he was still happy.

It was almost midnight, and his friends were grouping together, looking for their partners in order for a midnight kiss. Louis wasn’t surprised, nor was he going to complain. A few years ago, they would’ve all complained about him and Harry making out long after the new year had arrived. 

So he’d made up his mind. And his resolutions. He’d always said they were stupid before, but now he had valid ones, instead of the generic ones (eat healthier, go on walks, lose weight.) He’d made up his mind. He was going to remain sober and write those songs for their album. 

He heard people counting down from thirty, and he prepared his own New Year’s ritual. One that wasn’t abnormal, but he’d never done before. 

“Five…”

“Four…”

“Three…”

“Two…”

“One!” Everyone cheered, leaning in to kiss their partners and drink champagne.

Louis smiled, raising his glass to the air. “Happy New Year’s,” he said quietly, to no one in particular. He raised the flute to his lips, taking a sip of the cold, sweet cider. The new decade was here, and he could barely keep his excitement hidden. He just had this feeling inside that from here on out, things would be better. And he knew for sure this time that he was faking this feeling.


	18. Goodbyes and Airplanes

“Are you sure you can’t stay at least another week?” Lottie asked, helping Louis pack the rest of his things. “I’m sorry, but I already made the reservation. Don’t wanna be late.” Louis said, shrugging. 

“I just wish you could be around more often.” Lottie said, sitting down on the bed as Louis zipped up his suitcase. She traced her finger along the side of the picture frame, collecting dust on the tip of her index finger. Louis had returned the picture of him and Harry to his nightstand after Lottie discovered it stashed away in the dresser. “It’s nice when you come to visit.”

“I know.” Louis said. “I wish I could be here more often as well.” He turned to face her. “But I do have a job. And I have to do my part for that job, which involves writing songs. Which I find,” He added, “is done best when I can have time to myself.” 

Lottie sighed. “I’m gonna miss you,” she cried, getting up to hug him. He embraced her as well, patting her shoulder. “I’ll be back in a few months for your birthday.” He promised, reassuring her. “And I will bring a nice, expensive present.”

Lottie laughed. “You’d better.” She joked, making Louis laugh. “I’m just kidding. So long as you make it to my party.”

“I will.” He said. “That’s a promise.” He picked up his suitcase. “Well, I should be off. My plane leaves in a couple hours.”

She smiled weakly, her mouth forming into a thin line. “Alright.” She said, standing beside him, hands in her pockets. 

Entering the kitchen was harder than Louis thought, because now he had to say goodbye to the twins. He wished he was around to see them, because he knew that the next time he saw them, they’d be bigger. They might have grown a little taller, or their hair a little longer, but Louis didn’t think he could ever stop seeing them as babies.

“Bye Louis.” Doris said, wrapping herself around Louis’ leg. Louis smiled down at her, kneeling to give her a proper hug. “Bye.” He said, feeling Ernest wrap his small arms around both of them. 

“I’m gonna miss you guys,” Louis sighed, standing back up. “Me too.” Ernest said, sighing to copy Louis, who chuckled. 

He walked out the door, suitcase in hand, then turned around to see his siblings all lined up, smiling at him. He grinned back at them, waving as he closed the door.

\---

Louis took a sip of his tea, piping hot and barely tasting of anything more than water. That’s what you get for trying to get a decent cup of tea in a crowded airport. 

He was sitting in a dingy gray seat, waiting to board his flight, which should be taking off in a few minutes. His suitcase was checked, and his messenger bag sat beside his feet. His most important things were hidden inside his messenger bag, such as his notebook full of songs he’d begun to write, or his wallet. He wished that the ring could be in that bag, or better yet, around his neck. Leaving it behind was a horrible decision he wished he could’ve redone. He knew that he felt safer with it tucked safely under his shirt. 

“Um, hi?” He heard a voice behind him. He turned around, suddenly seeing two teenagers behind him. One was a teenage girl, long-haired and freckled, and she held her phone in her hand, along with a coffee cup. The other made Louis’ heart melt just looking at him. His hair fell in loose curls around his shoulders, and he too held a coffee cup in his hands, showing off his fingernails, painted a dusky pink.

“You’re Louis Tomlinson.” He said, blushing the same color as his nails. 

“That I am.” Louis smiled at them. 

“We’re huge fans.” The girl explained. “We were wondering if we could get a picture maybe?”

Louis smiled. “Of course,” He said. The two teenagers grinned, lining up beside him so the girl could take a selfie. 

“Thank you so much.” The boy said, smiling widely. “I love listening to your music. It really inspires me to be braver.”

“Be brave.” Louis said, smiling at the kids. “Don’t let anyone tell you to be otherwise.”

He never thought the boy’s smile could get wider. “Thank you so much!” He cried, taking the girl’s hand as they ran off to their parents. Louis smiled as he watched them leave. There was something about them that resonated with him. 

Maybe it was the boy. His curls, his knit sweater, his nails even. He remembered when Harry painted all of his nails for the first time. He was so proud of himself, and Louis couldn’t help but smile as he watched Harry show off his baby blue fingernails to the band. 

A meeting with their manager brought that all to a halt. Louis helped a tearful Harry to take it off per their management’s orders, and he held him as they fell asleep. 

Louis wished he could’ve been brave enough back then to stand up for him and Harry. He wished he could be brave enough now. But he couldn’t. There was too much at stake then, and there was too much at stake now. His reputation, he didn’t care about so much. But his career, his credibility, his songwriting achievements… that would all be thrown away. Modest! would ruin him, he just knew it. 

He thought about this the whole time, even as he was sitting back in his seat on the airplane, after they’d taken off, after they were well on their way through the flight. 

Exhausted, Louis pulled his phone out, as well as his headphones. He scrolled through his music to find the perfect song- the one that always helped to clear his mind, or get him to sleep. He’d often played this song throughout the years, with or without Harry. 

Listening to “You’re Still The One,” the soft vocals helped him to calm down, and before he could think anymore about the things he regretted not doing, Louis was asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i forgot to mention, next chapter will be VERY important, so you'll want to keep an eye out for that.


	19. The Storm

“Lou! Stop!” Harry squealed as Louis wrapped his arms around him, tickling his sides and making Harry giggle. Louis gave in, removing his fingers from Harry’s sides. Harry immediately sighed in relief, turning around to look up at him from where he sat on the piano bench. 

“You writing something?” Louis asked, leaning over Harry’s shoulder to peer at the music he’d lain out in front of him. “Yeah, not so sure about it.” Harry said nervously. “Well then, play it for me.” Louis said, pulling an armchair closer to the piano and slouching in it, legs crossed over each other so that his feet were dangerously close to the piano. Harry sighed, pushing Louis’ feet to the ground as Louis smirked. 

He placed his fingers on the key, playing a couple chords in a cheerful progression. Louis smiled, listening to Harry play the piano.

“Golden, golden as I open my eyes, hold it, focus, bring me into the light,” Harry sang softly, letting his confidence build up. “I knew you were way too bright for me. I’m hopeless, broken, so you wait for me in the sky, browns my skin just right.”

Louis cracked a grin as he and Harry shared a glance, and he nodded, gesturing to Harry to keep going. “You’re so golden, you’re so golden,” Harry sang loudly for everyone to hear. “I’m out of my head, and I know that you’re scared because hearts get broken.”

“I don’t wanna be alone,” He sang, “I don’t wanna be alone, when it ends, don’t wanna let you know. I don’t wanna be alone, but I, I can feel it take a hold, I can feel you take control of who I am and all I’ve ever known. Loving you’s the antidote.”

He stopped abruptly, taking his hands off the piano’s surface. “That’s all I have right now.” He said, blinking. “Are you okay, love?” Louis asked, sitting up so he could focus on Harry’s  
expression, searching for a tremble or quiver of the chin, anything that betrayed his emotion. 

“I’m just tired.” Harry sighed. Louis placed a hand on his forehead. “You don’t have a temperature.” He remarked, feeling the sides of Harry’s throat to feel for any swelling. “Do you wanna lie down? Maybe you shouldn’t go to your mum’s, we don’t wanna get you sick.” 

“No, I’ll be fine,” Harry said, rising from the piano bench. “I just wanna go to bed.”

“Ok, that’s alright.” Louis, standing up beside Harry. “I’ll come with you.” Harry nodded, then held Louis’ hand. Louis felt a spark at the touch, as he normally did. It wasn’t uncommon for them to just hold hands around the house, Lord knows they weren’t allowed to in public. 

They walked into the bedroom, and Louis instantly peeled off his shirt, stepping into their closet to find his pajama pants. When he stepped out, clad in his plaid flannel trousers, Harry was already curled up in bed, wearing a T-shirt and shorts. Louis smiled sadly at the sight. Harry usually loved to just sleep in the nude, or just in boxers. But for whatever reason, he had begun to grow more insecure, sleeping fully clothed and not changing in front of anyone, not even Louis. And they hadn’t been physically intimate in a couple months, which Louis didn’t mind, it wasn’t something they had to do all the time, just confusing. He wished he knew all the words to tell Harry how beautiful he was, and yes, he’d already thought of singing their first song to him, but he knew it wouldn’t work nearly as well as a heartfelt speech. 

But he’d decided that the best time to give a heartfelt speech would be a proposal, something he’d had his mind on for a long time. And while he originally wanted to ask Harry after they were allowed to come out, he thought that there wouldn’t be a better time than now, after they were officially allowed to get married in England, so they could have their whole family there. It was a day both of them had dreamed of in remarkable detail.

He turned off the lights before getting in bed next to Harry, who faced the other way, eyes already closed. He smiled at him, placing his hand gently on his shoulder. Harry shuddered at the touch, and Louis quickly retracted his hand. “Sorry,” he said quickly. 

“No, it’s fine, just cold.” Harry said. Louis sighed, lying back down with his arm around Harry. He felt the cotton of Harry’s T-shirt against his own warm chest. He let his eyelids droop, almost letting sleep overtake him when he felt shaking. He opened one eye, seeing Harry’s figure trembling in the dark. Very faintly, he could hear the sounds of sniffling. 

“Harry?” He asked, sitting up and reaching for the lamp. As the room was suddenly illuminated, Harry turned back to face him, eyes red and puffy. “Oh, baby,” Louis sighed, wrapping Harry in his arms and kissing his head. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m just tired of everything.” Harry cried. “Sorry, I just got worked up.” 

“Ok,” Louis nodded, “but you know that you can tell me anything, right?” 

Harry nodded. “I know.” He said. “Sorry to bother you.”

Louis leaned forward, kissing Harry, feeling his lover’s tears on his own cheeks. “You could never bother me.” He promised. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Harry said. Louis kissed Harry again, before reaching to turn off the lamp. He held Harry close to his chest as they slept, spooning each other. Harry was the little spoon, as he always insisted to be, despite his height over Louis. Louis prayed that he could make this boy realize how wonderful he was.

\---

“Attention, passengers, we have landed and you are now permitted to exit the plane.” The pilot’s voice announced over the intercom. Louis stretched, rubbing his eyes groggily.

He grabbed his bag, making his way out of the airplane. 

He walked to the baggage claim, seeing his suitcase pretty quickly before grabbing it and heading outside. 

It was raining. Heavily. Perfect. 

He sighed, looking up the nearest car rental. 

\---

Louis peered through the windshield, trying to drive his way through the dirt road without getting stuck in the mud. He thought England had bad storms, but this was awful. He watched as flashes of lightning shone through the dark clouds. 

He tried to scan outside, but all he saw was dull green fields and the faintest glimpse of the ocean. No houses in sight. Honestly, it would be just his luck to get lost on a remote island, wouldn’t it? 

He glanced back down at his phone, looking at the map he’d pulled up to get where he needed to go. He groaned in frustration upon realizing that he still had two hours left to drive. He wasn’t going to make it in time. 

So, change of plans. Instead of driving to the rental house, he had to find a place to wait out the storm. And the last place he’d seen was an hour’s drive away. 

He kept muttering to himself, trying to push himself to keep on driving. 

And after thirty long minutes of driving, he finally spotted a small house in the distance. Sighing with relief, he found a safe place to park the car, before getting uot, leaving his things inside. It wasn’t worth getting them wet. He stashed his wallet and phone under the seat, doubting that anyone was around to break in. Still, it was best to play it safe and hide his valuables. 

The second he stepped out, he was drenched. The rain fell heavily against him, chilling him to the bone in the January weather. 

Pulling his arms in, he walked toward the house, caking his boots with mud and God knows what else. He could hear the squelching sounds as he picked his feet up, walking towards the house as quickly as he could without falling. 

Finally, he made it under the porch of the cottage, and he knocked on the door, teeth chattering. He shivered, feeling his wet clothes around him. 

He glanced through the tinted windows, seeing a figure come towards him to answer the door, undoubtedly confused as to why someone would be knocking on their door in the middle of this weather. He stood up in front of the door, preparing his speech to convince them to let him at least stay until the storm was over. 

But everything he’d prepared flew from his mind as soon as the door opened. His jaw dropped, seeing the beautiful green eyes that had haunted his dreams for years in person for the first time in forever.


	20. Truth At Last

Harry's hands trembled as he poured the boiling water into the mugs he'd set out on the granite counter. Louis watched from his seat at the kitchen table. He was still soaking wet, with only a towel draped over his shoulders to keep him warm. Both of them were too shocked to say anything. They'd barely spoken more than three words since Harry grabbed Louis' wrist, pulling him into the cottage.

They'd both gaped at the sight of each other, and there was a hushed exchange of the other's name, and Harry mumbling that he would get Louis a towel. Other than that, complete silence.

Louis didn't quite know how to react. He sat, completely still for the first time ever, in total shock. He felt numb, and guilty, because he should probably have been feeling happy, but there was nothing happy about this situation. Harry really hadn't grown much. His hair was shorter, and he was certainly taller, but other than that, he was still the fresh-faced, clean cut boy Louis had fallen in love with. He'd abandoned his mostly black wardrobe for simple comfy clothes, adorning a knit blue sweater and grey joggers. He wore slippers (bless him) that were bright yellow, popping against the dulled white tiling of the cottage floor.

Honestly, it was everything Louis had wanted. Harry was there, right in front of him, appearing to be healthy, at least physically. But Louis had so many questions that he needed to ask. 

Harry was stirring the tea now, remembering to put milk and no sugar in Louis' cup. Louis felt a little touched that he'd remembered after all this time, but he was too confused by everything going on to thank Harry for it.

When he'd finished, Harry picked up the two mugs by their handles, bringing them over to the table. A little bit of tea sloshed over the side of one cup as his hands still shook with fear, or nerves, or maybe even both. He held out one cup for Louis, who took it in his hands, quietly thanking Harry. He nodded in return, bringing the other mug to his lips and taking a sip.

Louis didn't take a drink quite yet. Instead, he set the mug down on the wooden table, staring at the steam rising from the surface of the beverage. "So." He muttered. It wasn't a question or a statement. Just something to get conversation started.

Harry sighed, looking down at the floor and shuffling his feet. "Lou- I'm sorry." He whispered. Louis' gaze snapped towards the younger man. "Sorry?" he asked incredulously. His voice was barely higher than a whisper, but somehow, that only made Harry shake harder. "You're sorry?" Louis hissed. "Well, that fixes everything, doesn't it?"

Harry shook his head, a teardrop falling onto his lap. "No, it doesn't," he agreed. Louis rose suddenly, his chair scraping against the floor. Harry flinched, startled, as Louis began to pace the room, rubbing his temples. "Are you even going to try?" Louis asked, facing the other half of the room, where the couch and guitar were. "Are you going to try and explain all of this?"

Harry shook his head. "I don't know." He cried. "I don't know, Louis." He began to breathe rapidly, clutching at his chest. Louis rushed to his side, his instincts screaming at him to make sure Harry was alright. "Hey, love, breathe." Louis instructed. Harry did as he was told, inhaling deeply, making sure to pace himself. Louis felt tears prick at the back of his eyes, knowing he was the cause of this. He wrapped an arm around Harry's shoulder. The other boy was startled at the touch, but didn't try to pull away. Instead he leaned against Louis, forehead pressed against his neck as Louis wrapped his arms around Harry's shaking figure. He rubbed his right hand between Harry's shoulder blades. "Shh," he soothed Harry, trying to get him to stop trembling.

"Do you at least have an explanation?" Louis asked, teary-eyed. Harry nodded against the crook of his neck. "You'll hate me." Harry whispered. Louis shook his head. "No." He said. "I promise I won't."

Harry pulled away, wiping at his red and puffy eyes to dash away the tears that had gathered there, and the ones that had trailed down his face to his chin, where they dripped off onto his sweater. "Promise?" He asked, sounding as innocent as a child. Louis nodded. "I promise." He repeated.

Harry sighed. "I never actually thought I'd see you again." Louis pulled up a chair, facing Harry as the other man continued speaking. "I mean, I wanted to, I- I just couldn't."

"What do you mean?" Louis asked. Harry looked up at the ceiling, biting his lips as he searched his mind for answers. "I was terrified." Harry admitted. "What were you scared of?" Louis asked, placing a hand on Harry's knee. Harry stared at Louis' hand for a moment, before answering, "Everything."

Louis stared at him intently as he went on, "Management, the paps, the fans, you-"

"Me?" Louis exclaimed, pointing to himself with his index finger. "Why me?" Harry bowed his head. "I thought you didn't love me anymore." Harry said quietly. Louis went silent after that.

Was he remembering things differently? He hated that he could make Harry feel unloved.

"And Modest! was always making you go on dates with Eleanor, and I barely saw you." Harry said. "I thought you wouldn't care." Louis sighed, placing one hand on Harry's shoulder and the other in his hair, running his fingers though the silky curls. "I cared that you disappeared, Harry. Everyone did. Have you seen the news in the past five years?"

Harry shook his head. "I wasn't meant to disappear." Louis looked at him, puzzled. "What do you mean?" He asked cautiously. Harry didn't answer. "C'mon, you can tell me. I won't hate you." Louis promised.

Harry looked up and directly into Louis', green meeting blue for the second time that night. "I was trying to die." He said softly.

Louis emitted a small gasp as he gathered the younger man into his arms, hugging him as tight as he could, never wanting to let go again. He was scared that if he let go, he would wake up, and this would all be a fever dream, and he didn't think he could deal with that. He was finding it hard to deal with the fact that Harry had wanted to kill himself. He couldn't help but think he was one of the leading factors for Harry's accident. Harry wrapped his arms around Louis' waist, resting his head on his shoulder. "Oh, baby." Louis whispered. "I'm so sorry."

He let go of Harry, reaching under the cuffs of his sleeves, pulling them up to reveal the long pale scars hidden beneath. "I guess that's something we share." He said as Harry gasped, reaching down to stroke the length of the scar. Louis felt goosebumps arise just from the tip of Harry's index finger.

Harry looked up at Louis, before pulling his sweater aside to reveal a jagged pink scar on his collarbone. "This was from the car." He explained. "Hurt like hell, and it's still healing." He moved the sweater back over. "Why the car?" Louis asked. Harry shrugged, laughing dryly as he wiped away another tear. "I thought it would be the least amount of scandal. You all had great careers ahead of you, I thought if it looked less like a suicide, the media wouldn't pester you too much."

Louis put his hand on Harry's shoulder. "I was so scared." He said. "They said they couldn't find you, and I thought someone had taken you. Fuck, I was so terrified." He held Harry's hands together in between his own. He pressed a kiss to Harry's hands. "I love you so much, you know that, right?" He asked, and Harry bowed his head.

"I haven't told you everything." Harry said. Louis cocked an eyebrow in confusion. "What do you mean?" He asked, scared of what came next from Harry's lips.

Harry began to shake again, looking around in fear, as if there were anybody there to overhear their conversation. "You'll think I'm disgusting." He said. "I promise I won't." Louis said. Harry shook his head. "You keep saying that." Harry cried. "I'm not sure you'll mean it after this one."

Louis reached his index fingers under Harry's chin, pulling his face up towards him, so green met blue for the third time that night. "I promise that, whatever it is, I won't think you're disgusting. I know, for a fact, that you are the single best person I have ever known." Louis said, tears brimming his eyes. "Nothing will change that."

Harry nodded, biting his lip. "It was at an afterparty, when we were together." Harry started, trembling at the memory. "I went for a drink, and soon I was dancing, and this guy- he pulled me into a back room, and started getting really close and stuff."

Harry wiped his nose. "I didn't want it." He cried, voice cracking. "But he kept touching me, and doing stuff I didn't want and he was trying to kiss me- I told him no!" He whispered the last four words, a chilling sound to Louis. "And he didn't care. And he was on top of me, and pushed himself into me, over and over and over."

Harry had closed his eyes tight, shaking his head at the memory. "I was crying. And there was blood, and there was never blood with us." He sobbed. "He made me cheat on you, Louis. I'm so fucking sorry."

He bowed his head, sobbing into his hands. Louis pulled him in for another tight hug, rubbing his back. "Is this ok?" He asked carefully. Harry nodded. He got back up to face Louis, tears streaming down his beautiful face. "I'm sorry. I don't even know who it was. I'm sorry." He repeated himself.

"Don't be." Louis said, cupping Harry's face and pressing their foreheads together. Harry put his hands on Louis', wanting something to hold onto. "What that man did to you was awful, Harry. Nobody deserves to be used like that. But trust me, please," He said, pulling back a little, where their faces were only a few inches apart, "you didn't cheat on me." Harry let out a muffled sob. "Listen." Louis said. "You're perfect. You're so perfect. I forgive you, a million times over."

Harry nodded, looking into Louis' eyes with his own teary green ones. He smiled his contagious smile, the one Louis had missed and longed for all these years. Louis couldn't help but smile as well, feeling tears slipping down his cheeks.

"Is it ok to kiss you?" Louis asked nervously. "Are you ok with that?" Harry nodded, leaning in to connect their lips together. Louis placed a hand at the back of Harry's neck, feeling the sparks fly between them as they kissed. It wasn't that long, it wasn't that passionate, but by God, it was mind blowing. When they pulled apart, they stayed seated for a minute, silently, foreheads pressed together. Their mugs of tea still sat on the kitchen table, long forgotten and gone cold. They didn't care. It didn't matter.

"I love you so much." Harry said.

"I love you, too." Louis answered.


	21. Kisses in the Morning

Louis woke up when he felt a slight stirring next to him. He opened his eyes, one after the other, blinking away the sleep. Focusing, he could make out Harry, shirtless opening a near-empty orange bottle. He shook out a small white pill, before raising it to his mouth, swallowing it down with a sip of water. Louis frowned, confused about why Harry would be taking a pill and if he should be concerned, but then he remembered the course of last night’s events. 

It had stopped raining halfway through the night, but there was no way Louis was just going to leave like that. Not after everything. He and Harry had so much to talk about, but they didn’t do much talking. They just kinda held each other as long as they could, before it was too late to stay in the kitchen and Harry offered for Louis to come and sleep in his bed. Louis had offered to sleep on the couch if it made Harry more comfortable, but Harry said he just wanted to be held. 

So that’s how they ended up trying to cuddle in Harry’s small bed in the back room, which failed, so they just spooned in the end. Harry was, of course, the little spoon, which brought back a lot of memories for the both of them. Louis was tentative to wrap his arm around Harry, not wanting to trigger a flashback or anything, but Harry told him it was alright. He didn’t sleep for a while, he just listened to the soft, breathy sounds of Harry’s snores. He felt like he belonged like this. And now, all the memories were happy again, and he didn’t feel sad remembering them. He was right. Things were going to get better.

He smiled. “Hey love,” Harry said, sitting back down beside Louis, who was already sitting up. “Good morning.”

“Good morning.” Louis said, rubbing at his eyes. He still couldn’t believe this was happening. Harry was sitting in front of him, looking into his eyes with his own green ones, looking just as beautiful as the day Louis saw him last. God, Louis missed him so much. He missed his curls, and his eyes, and his love handles, and everything about him. “You look gorgeous.” He smirked, making Harry blush. “I could say the same.” He said to Louis, tracing his ‘It Is What It Is’ tattoo with the tip of his finger. 

“I still can’t believe you’re here.” Harry murmured, leaning in to kiss Louis. He let his tongue trace along Louis’ bottom lip as their lips moved together. He pulled back after a minute, grinning. Louis shook his head, smiling. He shoved the blankets off of him, swinging his legs over the side of the bed in order for him to stand up properly. 

The room was bright, but unmistakably Harry's. It was painted a cheerful yellow, and the window shutters were open, letting the sunlight stream in. In every corner of the room there was some form of potted plant, save for the corner the brass-framed bed was in. The bedspread was a light green, and the whole room just looked cosy. There were little clay figurines on the windowsill of differently colored butterflies, all twisted into different positions. 

“How did you get here even?” Louis asked, picking up his shirt from yesterday, frowning when he realized it was still damp. 

“Don’t worry, you can borrow one of mine.” Harry offered, taking the shirt from Louis’ hands and picking up the rest of his wet clothes and exiting the room. “As for your question, well, I woke up from the crash and just bolted. I got on a ferry, didn’t know where it was going, and ended up on the island. I bought the cottage under a fake name, and I’ve been here ever since.” 

“Wow,” Louis said, processing the information. He followed Harry into a small room where a washing machine and a drier had been set up, watching as Harry deposited the wet clothing into the washing machine. “You've just been alone?”

“Oh, no, I have neighbors.” Harry said. 

“Do they know who you are?” Louis asked as they walked into the kitchen. 

“No, only a couple.” Harry explained. “I go out occasionally, but nobody really knows who I am, or has ever heard of the band, really. There’s not a lot of younger people around. None, actually, except for the couple I was talking about. I just say my name’s Edward.”

“That’s… smart, actually.” Louis remarked, plopping into one of the chairs. 

Harry pulled out a carton of eggs and a skillet, turning the burner of the stove on. He placed the skillet on top of the burner, before dropping a generous amount of butter into it. “Do you want any eggs?” He asked, turning to look at Louis. 

“Uh, yeah, that’d be nice.” Louis said. 

“I should ask you how you ended up here, now, shouldn’t I?” Harry mused. 

“Yeah, funny story.” Louis chuckled, shaking his head. “It started with having to write songs, so I booked a rental house to have some time to myself- actually, I need to call and cancel that,” He said, suddenly realizing. “My phone’s in my car, just give me a minute, please?”

Harry nodded, and Louis turned to walk to the door, before it went flying open. Louis jumped back to keep from getting hit. “Oh, sorry,” a voice said. Luis looked up, locking eyes with a brown-eyed man who stared back at him in shock. His hair was combed back in a quiff, and he had a very bashful innocent look on his face. 

“Oh, hi, beau!” Harry called from where he was standing at the stove. Louis felt his heart sink. This couldn’t be happening. “Hullo, Harry!” The man called back. He turned to Louis, holding out his hand and cracking a grin. “Hi, who are you?” 

Louis tentatively shook his hand slowly. “I’m Louis,” he said, glancing back at Harry to see his facial expression, which remained unbothered. 

“Oh, you’re Louis!” The man said, glancing at Harry with his eyes widened. “Is this…?”

“He came in the middle of the storm, I told him everything, don’t worry.” Harry explained. The man nodded. “Well, I just wanted to drop these off,” he said, pulling a small package from his coat pocket. 

“Thank you so much,” Harry said. “Would you mind leaving them by the door. I’ll get them later.” 

The man nodded, setting them down on the side table. “Do you wanna stay for breakfast?” Harry offered. “I’m making eggs.”

“I can see that.” The man said, glancing at Louis, who was trying to will him to go away with his mind. “Sorry, but I’ll have to pass, I already ate. Plus, I’m sure you two have a lot to talk about,” he added with a grin, pointing at the two of them. “Bye!” He called to Harry. “It was nice to meet you, Louis!”

And with that, he left as quickly as he came, leaving Louis in a state of confusion and jealousy. Yeah, five years had been a long time, but Louis hadn’t been with anyone, and that was when he didn’t even know if Harry was alive. Harry, on the other hand, knew for a fact that Louis was alive this whole time, so was he justified? They needed to talk about this, definitely. Were they together, or broken up, or what?

“So,” he said casually, picking up the package and bringing it into the kitchen “You and him? Anything going on there?”

Harry looked at him in confusion as he stirred the eggs, before he realized. Suddenly, he laughed. “What’s so funny?” Louis asked. 

Harry shook his head. “You’ve got it wrong, Lou,” he giggled. “His name is Beau. With a capital B.”

It took a moment, but then it clicked. Louis laughed loudly, facepalming in embarrassment. “He’s just a friend, don’t worry,” Harry said, scooping the eggs onto two different plates. “And if that doesn’t convince you, he’s got a fiancé at the moment, her name’s Calli, and she’s pregnant. They’re the couple I was talking about.”

Louis chuckled. “God, I’m such a dumbass,” He cried, sitting back down on the table. “I was a little worried.”

“Why? Surely you were with other people.” Harry commented, setting the eggs down in front of them and sitting down himself, picking up a fork. 

“Nope.” Louis said, shaking his head. 

“Really?” Harry asked bashfully, blushing a bit. 

Louis shrugged. “What can I say? You’re my one and only.” He said. Harry blushed madly, waving his hand to shut Louis up. “You’re making me blush.” 

“I can see,” Louis said, “and I love it. You look beautiful.”

He set the package down on the table, and watched as Harry caught sight of it, lips pursed. “Though, I have to ask what’s in here.”

Harry nodded, folding his hands together in front of him. “Those are paroxetine tablets.” He said. 

Louis furrowed his eyebrows, frowning. “Why?” He asked. 

Harry sighed. “To put it short, I have PTSD.” He admitted. “I used to get horrible nightmares all the time and flashbacks, until I met Beau and Calli. Beau’s a licensed psychologist,” he explained. “Anyways, he told me that I have these flashbacks and anxiety attacks because of it, so he got me a prescription to help with them. And don’t worry, doctor-patient confidentiality, he can’t legally tell anyone.” 

Louis made a clicking noise with his tongue, reaching out to hold Harry’s hand. “I’m so sorry.” He said. “I’ll help to make things better. We can tell the boys and-”

“No.” Harry said suddenly. Louis looked up, seeing Harry’s green eyes flash with terror. 

“Why?” Louis asked. “We don’t have to, I just want to know why.”

“I just- I can’t go back.” Harry said. “I know it’s been a long time, but I can’t even process going back to that yet. Touring and writing and contracts and everything, I just can’t. I’m still a fucking mess going outside in public. And the nearest neighbors live three miles away. I couldn’t go back to London, not now. I just need time.” 

Louis nodded. “Ok, ok.” He said. “I won’t make you go back.’’ He squeezed Harry’s hand slightly. “But we can’t keep this a secret forever.”

Harry nodded. “I don’t wanna keep it a secret forever.” He said. “I’m just not ready to go back.” 

Louis nodded, glancing down at their hands, entwined with one another. Noticing something, he brought Harry's hand closer to his face as he squinted. “Did you do your nails?” He asked, breaking into a huge smile. Harry nodded, blushing. “Do you like them?” He asked nervously. 

“Like them? I love them.” Louis said, kissing Harry’s hand and marveling in the beautiful light purple color of his nails. “And I love you.” Harry smiled, leaning in to kiss Louis lightly on the lips. 

“You keep telling me that.” He said. Louis shrugged. “Just thought you should know. Haven’t gotten to say it in a while.”

Harry grinned. “Well, in that case, I’m not complaining.” He said, kissing Louis again. “Now come one, the eggs are getting cold.”


	22. Writing A Song

Louis sat on Harry’s couch, notebook in hand, trying to think of something to write. Finally getting it, he placed his pencil onto the paper, writing down the song playing in his mind. All of a sudden, he felt arms around his shoulder, and he looked up to see Harry, placing a kiss on Louis’ forehead. 

“Hello,” Louis smiled. “Did you miss me?”

“Of course,” Harry grinned, walking around the couch to come sit beside Louis. “You were gone for three minutes.” Louis laughed, leaning into Harry’s arm. “What are you writing?”

Louis showed him, and Harry took the notebook into his own hands, reading carefully. “I like that,” He said, smiling. “Here we go again, another go round for all of my friends, another non stop will it ever end.” He read from the paper. “That’s really nice.”

“Thanks,” Louis grinned. 

“So, how many are they making you write?” Harry asked. 

“A lot, more than I can count,” Louis sighed. Harry sighed as well, making a little clicking noise with his tongue. “Management never stopped being bitches, did they?” Louis laughed, shaking his head. “Nope.” He said. “It’s in their blood.”

“Which ones do you already have?” Harry asked. Louis counted off on his fingers. “Steal My Girl and 18.” He said, holding up in index and middle finger. “That’s literally it. You liked 18, if I remember right.”

Harry chuckled. “I know,” He said. “I saw your performance on YouTube. You sang very well. I cried.” Louis smiled. “I’m sorry, didn’t mean to make you cry.” He said, pushing a stray curl out of Harry’s eyes. “No, don’t worry. It was a good kind of crying. A cool kind of crying,” He added. Louis laughed. “A cool kind of crying?” He echoed, making Harry laugh and blush with embarrassment. “It sounded better in my head.” Harry explained. 

They kept giggling for a minute, before they managed to pull themselves together. Louis loved feeling like this, like he was young. It was a good feeling. It reminded him of when they were living together in the X Factor house, and kept sneaking off to make out in the bathroom or outside, under the stars. It was very romantic. 

Louis sighed. “I just wish we had more time to write. Or less songs to write, that’d be great.” He snorted derisively. Harry hummed curiously. “What if I gave you some of my songs?” He offered. Louis turned to look at him, jaw dropped. “Really?” He asked. 

Harry nodded. “I have a lot, and, well, people kind of think I’m dead, so they’re just going to waste at the moment?” He said, getting up and crossing over to his shelf of books. “Just give me a minute.” He pointed through his collection, before finding the one he was looking for. “Here we go,” He said, holding the book in his hands before returning to the couch besides Louis. He dropped the heavy notebook into Louis’ lap. 

Louis let out a little gasp when he recognized it. The same hardbound leather, the same yellow sunflower design, brightly contrasted against the black leather. “You kept it?” He asked Harry, turning to see Harry smiling and nodding, leaning on his hand, elbow propped up on the back of the couch. Louis traced the design. He couldn’t believe Harry kept the anniversary book after all this time. 

Carefully, he opened it, flipping through the various pages. “Two Ghosts,” He read aloud. “Just A Little Bit Of Your Heart, Night Changes, Stockholm Syndrome, I Love You, If I Could Fly….” He trailed off, stopping on one page. “Golden.” He read, turning to look at Harry. “I remember that one,” He said. “I love that one.”

Harry nodded, bowing his head. “It’s about you, you know.” He said. Louis had assumed, but he didn’t know for sure, so it was nice to have the clarification. “To be honest, it was kind of me trying to say goodbye.” 

Louis frowned. “How?” He asked. Harry swallowed hard. “Well, I wasn’t going to write a note, as selfish as that sounds, but I wanted to say goodbye to you in a special way, so I just wrote it.” Harry admitted, voice breaking slightly. “I didn’t ever think I would finish it. Then, I found it a few years ago, and it was just incomplete, so I knew I had to do something about it. I’m sorry,” He added, seeing Louis’ crestfallen face. “Don’t be,” Louis said, turning his whole body so he could face Harry. He set the notebook down on the coffee table, keeping it open on the song. “Listen. It’s good that we’re talking about this. It’s better than not talking about it at all.” He said, taking Harry’s hands in his own. “Look. You’re one of the strongest people I know. And I’m not even saying that just to flatter you. You’ve been through so much shit that shouldn’t have happened to you. I blame the media. I blame management. I blame myself. We should be sorry, Harry.” He said emphatically. “But please, don’t feel like you need to apologize. It’s not your fault.” 

Harry nodded, looking back up at Louis. “I’m so happy.” He said, wrapping his arms around Louis suddenly, almost tackling him off of the couch. “I wish I’d never left.”

Louis sighed, embracing Harry and burying his face in his soft green sweater. “We all wish we could go back in time.” He said. “Nobody can.”

They hugged for a minute more, before breaking apart. “Is it ok to play the song for you?” Harry said. “I want you to hear the finished version.” Louis nodded. “Of course. I’d love to hear it.” He said, smiling a little. Harry got up, walking over and picking up his guitar. He came back, sitting on the couch at an angle that allowed him to face Louis. He started to pluck at the strings, and Louis let the familiar tune bring back waves of nostalgia. 

“Golden, golden, golden as I open my eyes, hold it, focus, hoping, take me into the light,” Harry sang, and Louis closed his eyes, taking in the sensation. Harry’s voice had deepened slightly, but still was very beautiful, effortlessly perfecting the notes he’d written. “I know you were way too bright for me, I’m hopeless, broken, so you wait for me in the sky, browns my skin just right.”

He glanced up at Louis before going on. “You’re so golden, you’re so golden, I’m out of my head and I know that you’re scared because hearts get broken,” He sang. “I don’t want to be alone. I don’t wanna be alone when it ends, don’t wanna let you know.”

Louis realized what Harry meant about the song being his way of saying goodbye. Harry sang about how he didn’t want to be alone when it ended, he didn’t want Louis to know, he knew that Louis would be scared and have his heart broken. 

“But I, I can feel it take a hold, I can feel you take control of who I am and all I’ve ever known,” He looked directly up at Louis, “loving you’s the antidote.”

Louis felt his eyes brim with tears. 

“Golden, you’re so golden, I don’t wanna be alone, you’re so golden, you’re so golden, I’m out of my head I’m out of my head and I know that you’re scared because hearts get broken,” Harry sang the chorus again, his own voice faltering as tears started to betray him. “I know that you’re scared because I’m so open. You’re so golden, I don’t wanna be alone, you’re so golden, you’re so golden, you’re so golden, I’m out of my head and I know that you’re scared because hearts get broken.”

He finished the song by playing a single chord, letting the sound linger in the air as he set the guitar down carefully on the coffee table. Louis clapped, smiling and rubbing away his tears. “That’s lovely, Harry.” He said. “I want you to keep that one.”

Harry’s face dropped. “Why?” He asked. “Did you not like it?”

Louis shook his head. “No. I loved it. But I know that I want you to keep this song between us for a while.” He explained. “It’s about us, and I’ll be damned if it puts a single coin into Modest!’s filthy pockets. They’ve taken so much from us, but they won’t take that.”

Harry nodded, understanding. “Well, we should look through these.” He said, picking the notebook. “I’d rather like to hear I Love You. Definitely sound like us.” Louis said, and Harry chuckled as he picked the guitar back up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'd love to hear your feedback, so please leave a comment if you have any constructive criticism!


	23. Dinner With Friends

Louis stirred the pot while Harry stretched his arms to reach the glasses on the highest shelf. He set four glasses on the counter, then came back over to watch over Louis' shoulder as he stirred the pasta.

Beau and Calli were coming over because Harry had deemed it time for them to be properly introduced to the love of his life (Louis had blushed at Harry's phrasing) and Louis agreed. It had already been a full week since Louis had arrived, it was far past time in Louis' opinion. Harry had arranged for them to come over for a casual dinner, so Louis didn't feel like there was any pressure. Other than the fact that he'd assumed Beau had been sleeping with Harry for five minutes, but he never confronted Beau about it to his face, so what he didn't know didn't hurt him, right?

But then again, Louis' sharp tongue usually got the best of him. So now he was worried. "Louis, can you add a little oregano to the marinara sauce?" Harry asked, carrying four plates to the table. Louis scanned the counter for the little tin marked 'OREGANO,' and when he saw it, he grabbed it with his free hand. "How much do you mean by a little?" Louis asked.

"A teaspoon." Harry called.

"I don't know what that is!" Louis called back.

"There's one on the counter!"

"There's lots of spoons on the counter, Haz, it's pretty hard to narrow down." Louis shot back. Harry sighed, coming up beside Louis and handing him the teaspoon. "Thanks," Louis said as Harry rolled his eyes. "Cooking is hard!" He said, trying to justify his lack of skills in the kitchen.

"Maybe you need to spend more time in the kitchen!" Harry said, setting the table. "I know how to cook! Don't you remember?" Louis asked. "I can make chicken, why couldn't we have just made that?"

"One, I taught you how to make that, two, there is nothing wrong with pasta and meatballs. It's easy enough to make." Harry said, counting with his fingers.

"Easy for you to say, you got to make the salad." Louis grumbled.

"Salads aren't necessarily easy to make!" Harry said. "Sure they are!" Louis cried. "You throw lettuce and tomatoes in a bowl and call it a day!"

Harry gave him a look. "You haven't eaten healthy in a long time, have you?" He asked. Louis rolled his eyes. "You need to learn how to cook!" Harry cried, coming up from behind him to wrap his arms around Louis. "I can't take care of you if you're gone."

Louis sighed in bliss, letting Harry sway him from side to side. "I think the pasta's done." Louis said, turning the burner underneath off. "Alright, I'll grab a bowl." Harry said, reaching down to get one from the drawer below. He set it on the counter, and Louis poured the pasta into it. "What next?" He asked Harry. "The sauce?"

Harry nodded, and Louis grabbed the saucepan, pouring the marinara over the pasta. Harry brought the meatballs over, dropping them into the bowl. Then taking a big spoon, he stirred it up, mixing everything together.

They took a step back, admiring their work. "Looks good," Harry said, turning around to grab the salad bowl. Carrying their creations to the table, they suddenly heard the door open. "They're here!" Harry said to Louis, going to greet the couple.

"Hi!" Louis heard Beau say as he followed Harry. He held the hands of a young woman, dark-skinned and doe-eyed, wearing a black dress, with fabric clinging to her enlarged belly. She smiled bashfully at Louis and Harry, running her fingers through her short curls.

"You must be Louis!" She said warmly, holding out her hand. Louis shook it, smiling back at her. "That I am." He said. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Calli."

She beamed at him. "Come in!" Harry cried cheerfully, directing the four of them into the kitchen. They all took seats around the table. "This smells amazing." Calli said, easing into her chair with Beau's help. "Thanks." Harry said. "Louis made it."

"Aww, thanks!" Calli said, smiling at Louis. He and Harry shared a glance, smiling. "Well then." Louis said. "Let's eat!"

They helped themselves to portions of the pasta, passing around bowls and salt shakers and things. Louis took a bite of the pasta- it was hot, but definitely worth the effort.

"So, how did you three meet?" Louis asked, pointing to the three others. Beau clasped his hands together. "Well, Harry came to me to ask for help with his panic attacks, and so I invited him for dinner. I didn't know who he was, but Calli recognized him, and there was a whole freak out over at our place."

Harry laughed at the memory. "Oh, yeah!" He chuckled.

"I was speechless." Calli said. "My hero literally just walked into my kitchen, I didn't know how to react. I'm a big fan of One Direction," she explained to Louis, who nodded in response. "Anyways," she continued, "It was just such a shock. And to think about everything the media was saying about him... it just broke my heart."

"I was a nervous wreck those first couple of years," Harry said. "It got better once I adjusted to my medication." Louis squeezed his hand sympathetically. "I don't think I told you two much at first."

Beau shook his head. "No, I think you told us about the car accident and that you needed to stay hiding, but you didn't tell us why." He said. "I don't think you told us why until last year, actually."

"Then you told us about your contracts and everything, and having to hide your relationship," Calli sighed, shaking her head. "I don't understand bearding. Never have, never will. Personally, I think contracts like that are horrible and you should try and break out of it. I used to study law," she added, "and if you ever decide to take it to court, call me for advice."

Louis smiled at the woman, whom he had decided, along with Beau, was his newfound friend. "Thank you," he said. "Who knows? Maybe one day, we'll give you that call."

Calli smiled. "I always had an inkling that you two were together." She said, pointing back and forth between Harry and Louis. The couple smiled at each other, holding hands beneath the table. "I don't know what it is exactly, but there was something about the way you two looked at each other. I didn't understand it until I met Beau," she beamed at her fiancé, reaching for his hand, letting her left hand, bedazzled with a beautiful pearl ring, rest on her bump. Harry and Louis pulled their hands up on the table as well, for good measure. "When he looked at me for the first time, it just felt right. I'm sure you know," Calli said, gesturing to their hands. "It's one of the best feelings in the world, but I can't seem to find the words to explain it. I just feel it, and I'm damn lucky to have found someone who makes me feel this way."

Harry squeezed Louis' hand slightly, and they both knew that the "I love you's" went unsaid.


	24. The Phone Call

“Something wrong, Boo?” Harry asked, sitting down beside Louis, who was already lying down under the covers, shirt off. He smiled up at Harry. “No, just thinking. You?” He asked. 

“I’ve been thinking too….” Harry trailed off, biting his lip nervously. Louis sat up. “What is it?” He asked, slightly concerned by Harry’s tone of voice. 

“I was wondering if I’m doing enough for you.” Harry admitted. Louis frowned. “Of course you are, love, don’t worry,” he said, reassuring Harry.

“I meant sexually.” Harry blurted out, covering his mouth with his hands. His rosy cheeks were tinged with his embarrassment. Louis’ eyes widened, realizing what Harry was getting at. “Well,” he started, “that doesn’t matter to me. As long as you’re alright.”

Harry looked down. “But I know we haven’t done anything, and I know that you haven’t been with anyone since before- well, you know.” He muttered. 

Louis’ face softened. “Harry, you were raped. And that affects you and your mental health. You will always come first for me.” He said. “And yeah, I want to have sex with you. But only on your terms, and at your pace. I don’t want to hurt you, ever. And if that mean we never have sex again,” he shrugged, “I’m fine with that. I don’t want to push your boundaries, or make you do something you’ll regret.” He reached out to touch Harry’s hand. “I love you, and I want you to feel safe.”

Harry nodded, but his facial expression remained the same. “What if I don’t know?” He asked. “What if I think I want to do something, but I don’t know that I’m not ready?”

“Then we’ll stop.” Louis said. “There are safe words we can use, or you could just tell me to stop, and I will.”

“I’ve tried a few things on my own.” Harry said softly. “I've tried wanking, and I’ve fingered myself a couple of times. I cried the first time I tried to put something in me. All I could think of was him.”

Louis felt his heart sink. “Oh, baby,” He sighed, squeezing Harry’s hand. “I wish I could kill that man.”

Harry shook his head. “You wouldn’t really.” He said. 

“I might.” Louis retorted. 

“You know, I went home and showered,” Harry muttered, disgusted with himself. “A fucking shower, of all things. I wish I’d gone to the police, or the hospital, like everybody tells you you’re supposed to. But I didn’t. I took a shower.”

“Nobody blames you.” Louis said. 

“I don’t even know who it was.” Harry said. “I can’t take it to the police, because it’s five years too late.” He looked up at Louis sadly. “I wish I’d told you then.”

“It doesn’t change a thing to wish,” Louis said sadly, wrapping his hands around Harry’s. “But I promise to help you heal, and to help you readjust, and to help you see how fucking beautiful you are.” Louis kissed Harry’s knuckles, sealing his promise.

“I’m not beautiful.” Harry scoffed. Louis arched an eyebrow. 

“I beg to differ.” He said, leaning in closer to Harry so that their lips were mere inches apart. “You are the most beautiful person ever, and that’s all I could think about when you were gone. I missed your curls,” he sat up so he could press a kiss to the top of Harry’s head, “and your neck,” he leaned down to place an open-mouthed kiss on Harry’s throat, listening to Harry’s fluttery moan, “and your belly,” he made Harry giggle as he pressed little quick kisses all over Harry’s tattooed stomach, “and your lips,” he said, rising rising back up to kiss Harry’s soft pink lips. When he pulled back, he asked, “Do you believe me now?”

Harry nodded, smiling and blushing a deep shade of pink. 

It was a picturesque moment, only to be ruined by the noise of Harry’s ringtone. Harry glanced down at his phone screen. “It’s Beau,” he sighed, standing up to answer it. He walked out of the room, phone pressed to his ear. 

Louis sighed, grabbing his own phone and seeing multiple texts and missed calls from Liam, alarming him. Louis dialed him, holding the phone up to the side of his face. “Louis! Man, I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for ages!: He heard Liam say. 

“I saw.” Louis said, keeping an eye on the door. “How’ve you been?” Liam asked him. 

“I’ve been pretty good. Glad to have time to be by myself.” Louis lied. 

“Sure you’re not lonely?” Liam asked. 

“Oh no, definitely not.” Louis said, biting his tongue to keep from laughing. 

“Have you written anything?”

“Yeah, a couple.” 

“What are they called? I’ve written a few myself.”

“Um, Stockholm Syndrome,” Louis thought quickly, “and Night Changes.”

“Oh, those sound cool! You’ll have to send us recordings of them,” Liam said. 

“Yeah, I should, shouldn’t I?” Louis chuckled. Liam started talking about his songs, and Louis earnestly listened- for a while at least. He suddenly heard the sound of footsteps outside of the bedroom, and as soon as Harry walked in, Louis held up a finger to his mouth, saying, “Yeah, Liam, that sounds great.” 

Harry’s eyes widened, and he nodded, not making a sound as he walked over to sit beside Louis. “How’s Bear?” Louis asked. 

Liam chuckled on the other end. “Aww, he’s doing well.” He said. “Fell asleep a while ago, but we went on a walk earlier.” Louis watched Harry’s facial expression soften, and he realized that this wasn’t only the first time Harry had heard Liam speak in years, but the first he was hearing of Liam’s son. “He’s almost three, I can’t believe it,” Liam said cheerfully. 

Louis smiled. “Well, I’m glad that you lot are enjoying yourselves. Well, I’ve got to go, it’s late. Send my regards to Bear,” he joked. Liam laughed heartily. “Ok.” He said. “Bye, Louis.”

Louis smiled as he ended the call, looking over at Harry. “He sounds different in person.” Harry said. “Not like watching a video.”

Louis rubbed his shoulders. “Maybe one day, you’ll talk to him again.” He reassured Harry. “What did Beau have to say?”

“Calli’s water broke.” Harry smiled. “They went to the doctor’s, he said they’ll probably be there for a while.”

“Wow,” Louis said. “They’re having a baby.” Harry sighed, resting his head on Louis’ lap. “Let me guess, you want one?” Louis smirked. 

“I mean, yeah.” Harry said as Louis played with his curls. “I get that it wouldn’t be an ideal situation, but I just really want one.”

Louis smiled, leaning down to kiss Harry’s forehead. Harry closed his eyes, sighing in contentment. “Someday.” He promised, making Harry smile. “Someday.”


	25. A January Baby

“This is Rowan,” Calli said, gently passing off the small baby into Harry’s arms. She made sure to help Harry hold her daughter in the crook of his elbow, supporting her neck. Her eyes were closed, but her tiny fingers moved around slightly, and she made a tiny little noise as Harry held her, looking down at the small baby in his arms. 

Louis was standing near Beau, taking in the scene in front of him. Calli watched Harry carefully with tired brown eyes, a proud smile on her face. She lay in the tiny hospital bed, arms rested on her belly. 

Beau had proudly called Harry and Louis that morning, gushing about Calli and his newborn daughter, talking about how happy he was. He’d invited them both to come down to see them at the small hospital on the other end of the island. 

Getting ready, Louis found that he was still discovering things about Harry, who grabbed a hat and large-framed sunglasses to hide his face, just in case there was anyone there to recognize him. He handed a pair of glasses to Louis as well, to reduce suspicion, despite the heavy rain clouds threatening to pour. They’d removed them upon entering Calli’s room, but it made the feeling of having to hide this sink in even more for Louis. 

He respected Harry’s wishes, but at the same time there was nothing he wanted more than to be able to tell everyone how much he loved Harry Styles. 

However, there was another part of him that kept holding him back. The part that understood why Harry was hiding. Why he didn’t want to be found. That part understood Harry, knew him, and what was best for him. Even now, as Louis looked over at Harry, looking down at his friends’ baby, his green eyes half-glazed over with exhaust from another restless night, he knew that this was such a blessing. It was fate that brought Louis to this island, back to Harry, and he knew that he would do anything to protect Harry now. He never wanted to see him hurting again.

Harry looked down with adoration at the tiny little girl, her cute button nose peeking out from her swaddled blanket. It wasn’t even his baby, but he still looked at Rowan lovingly. If only she was old enough to understand how lucky she was, having Harry’s love. Louis could relate to that, although a different kind of love. Calli and Beau had asked to make Harry her godfather, to which he’d agreed almost instantly. Louis felt a burst of pride for his lover, knowing just by the expression on his face how happy he was to meet Rowan. 

To be completely honest, Louis had been half teasing Harry when they’d been talking about babies the night before. He’d been honest in his promise, though, and the more he thought about it, the more he really wanted it. Even if it wasn’t their baby biologically (that couldn’t physically happen, no matter how hard Harry wished) he still wanted a family with him, by any means. 

He could just imagine it: Harry and him, sitting together, looking lovingly over their own baby, button-nosed and everything, tucked in their blanket and wrapped up in Harry’s arms. Louis wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world. He knew (he just did) that he would be the happiest man alive. 

The memory reminded him of when he took Harry to meet his siblings, Doris and Ernest, who were still only babies at the time. 

•••

“He kind of looks like you, Boo.” Harry said, holding Ernest carefully in his lap, balancing him while his chocolate curls fell in front of his eyes. Louis smiled, reaching over to brush Harry’s hair out of his face. It was getting long, falling a little past his shoulders. Louis had to admit, he liked Harry’s longer hair. He looked like a prince, especially when he was all dressed up for an awards show or a party. He’d also taken to tying it back with a headband or pairing it with a hat, or even tying it up in a little bun. All three were options that Louis loved. He loved how Harry had been dressing lately, with slightly opened shirts, colorfully patterned and showing just slight glimpses of, and wearing his bandanas tied around his neck. 

“You think so?” Louis asked, lying on his stomach, propped up on his elbows as he tried to catch Ernest’s attention with a noisy toy. His brother cooed, reaching out for the brightly colored toy. “Yeah,” Harry said, laughing as Ernest tried to lean forward and grab the toy. “You share the same eye color.” 

“Hmm… same eye color, you say?” Louis said, humming a familiar tune, one that he remembered his mum singing to him. He didn’t know the words, but it seemed to catch his brother’s attention. Ernest’s blue eyes lit up at the song, blinking softly. 

“Yeah,” Harry said, “Same blue.” He smiled a little, blushing. “It’s a pretty color.”

Louis smirked. “Your favorite, innit?” He asked, making Harry blush even harder as he nodded. “Well, it’s not mine.” 

Harry frowned. “Why not?” He asked. Louis shrugged. “I dunno. Why have blue eyes when you could have a more interesting color?” He mused. “Like purple. Or green. Green’s my favorite.”

“I have green eyes.” Harry said. Louis sighed, shaking his head. “I know,” He said, gently tapping Harry’s thigh. Harry thought for a minute, before his lips formed a small ‘o’ shape, realizing what Louis meant. “Aww,” he cried, “thanks.” 

Louis smiled up at him, leaning toward him to give him a little peck on the lips. Ernest stared up at both of them, not pleased with the slight feeling of being squished between them. He cried out, reaching again for the toy. Louis laughed, picking his brother up and helping him sit up in his own lap, finally handing the toy to Ernest, who took it in his hand, instantly bringing it to his mouth to chew on it. Harry sighed in contentment. 

“I want one.” He said. Louis smiled to himself. “Someday,” he promised Harry, although he was thinking soon. Unbeknownst to Harry, he’d already been looking at rings. And after all, who was going to stop them from starting their own family once they were married?

•••

It was a good memory, making Louis sigh in contentment. Harry laughed, and he looked up, watching Rowan’s little hand reach up, little fingers splayed out, moving around for the first time. Louis smiled. It was really mind blowing to think about. Only just the night before, she was still in her mother’s womb, but a day later, here she was, ten fingers, ten toes, cute as a button, born January 10, 2020. It was the miracle of life, really. 

That got him thinking. Life really is a miracle. And it pained him to think about Harry in this way in particular, but it was a miracle that he was getting to see this. Louis could’ve gone anywhere for his break, but he came to this island. And Harry, he could’ve died. Then, Louis would’ve never gotten to see him, and hold him, loving him with every ounce of his being. And that was why he would protect Harry from here on out. He couldn’t lose him again. 

And so this time, Louis prayed that when he said he’d be with Harry forever, he could really mean it. 

“Do you want to hold her, Louis?” Calli asked, looking at him with weary eyes. He smiled. “Sure,” he said, getting up to sit closer to Harry. 

Harry carefully helped Louis hold Calli, one hand beneath her neck to support her as he laid the small baby down in Louis’ arms. She felt only slightly heavy, and warm, breathing in peacefully. Louis smiled, looking up at the proud mother and father. “She’s really beautiful.” He said. 

“Thank you,” Beau said, reaching over to hold Calli’s hand. Harry smiled, resting his head on Louis’ shoulder. Louis blushed at his touch, knowing the inevitable “I want one’s” to come. He didn’t mind, though, because as long as he could feel loved like this, he would do anything for Harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy May Day!!!
> 
> if you have any constructive criticism, please tell me in the comments, i love hearing feedback from my readers :)
> 
> love, Lili


	26. Showering Together

warning: smut ;)

It was really rare that Louis let Harry out of his sight. Call him obsessed, but he just loved the thought of knowing they were in the same room, and understanding what a complete blessing it was for them to even hold hands again, let alone kiss. After all, they’d spent five years apart, they had a lot to make up for and catch up on. 

But he wasn’t actually a psychopath, and there were times of the day Harry would go off and do his own thing, mainly watering the plants in his room or tending the garden out back. Sometimes he would get up off the couch to go cook in the kitchen, or he would be tidying up in the bathroom. Louis took the advantage to do some songwriting whenever they took little breaks. 

During one of these breaks, however, Louis had a huge scare. 

He’d been sitting on the couch, carefully writing out his own, original lyrics. All this time reflecting on his relationship with Harry and making new memories had gotten him in a songwriting mood, and he hummed happily to himself as he wrote in his notepad with his pencil, the soft scratch of graphite against paper calming him. 

Hearing a noise, he stopped, putting his notepad and pencil down. He sat up, listening closely, wondering what the sound was. He heard it a little louder, and he got up, frowning and walking in the direction of the noise. 

It was a husky breathing he heard, rapid and sounded distressed, coming from their bedroom. He picked up his pace, running in to find Harry, sat on the bed, hands pressed to his head and fingers entangled in his hair. His elbows were propped up on his knees, and he was breathing very fast, making tiny little cries as he did so. Louis could feel his heart sink as he watched Harry from the doorway. 

He ran to his side, unsure of what to do or where he should put his hands or whether or not he should grab the phone to call Beau. “Are you ok?” He asked, placing a calming hand on Harry’s back. “What’s happening?”

Harry shook his head, looking up at Louis with red-rimmed eyes that were tearing up as he tried to slow down his breaths. He gestured to his throat, and Louis nodded, getting the message. He ran from Harry, bursting into the bathroom and rummaging through the shelves. Harry had told him he kept his inhaler around there somewhere, he just had to find it. 

And there it was. He reached forward, closing his fingers around the device, running as quickly as he could back to Harry’s side. He pressed it into Harry’s hand, and Harry nodded his thanks, raising the inhaler to his lips and pushing down, breathing in as slowly as he could. He held his breath, then exhaled, using the inhaler again two more times. Louis watched as he did, rubbing his back, feeling the way his body shook with each shuddery breath. It broke his heart to see Harry in pain like this, knowing that this wasn’t the first time this had happened, nor would it be the last. Harry took one last deep breath, letting in out in a raggedy exhale. He sighed, turning to Louis. 

“Was that a panic attack?” Louis asked. Harry nodded, still breathing in and out, concentrating on just that. “Do those happen often?”

“Kind of.” Harry sighed. “Not so much anymore, but they just come. Like nothing.”

Louis looked at him sympathetically, squeezing his shoulder. “I’m sorry.” He said. “Are there any triggers? Just so I know.”

“I don’t know.” Harry said. “They’ve never really had a reason for coming, they just do. I hate them.” He sighed, rubbing his thumbs under his eyes, where tears had collected, threatening to fall down his flushed cheeks. “I hate them so much.”

“I’m sorry, baby.” Louis sighed, hugging Harry. “Is there anything I can do? Do you need water, or should I get something else for you?”

Harry looked at him. “I just want a shower,” He sighed. Louis took his hand. “Here, let’s get you in the shower,” He offered, and Harry followed him into the bathroom, not letting go of his hand. Louis leaned over the faucet, turning it to a warmer temperature, hearing the spray beat against the tiled floor. He squeezed Harry’s hand, smiling at him as he turned to leave and give his lover some privacy. 

“Wait.” Harry said, not letting go of Louis’ hand. Louis turned back around, frowning in confusion. “Please don’t leave.” Harry pleaded. “I don’t want to be alone.” 

Louis hesitated. He didn’t want Harry to feel weirded out or uncomfortable by him being there after everything that had happened to him. But at the same time, Harry was asking him to stay, and, on top of that, they’d loved each other for years. It shouldn’t be any different, should it?

He smiled, making up his mind. He resolved to stay, but as soon as Harry needed him to look away or leave, he would. “Ok,” he said, giving Harry’s hand another squeeze. Harry smiled weakly at him, his lips meeting to form in a line. He let go of Louis’ hand, turning to face the shower curtain as he reached to pull his sweater off. Louis had seen this much, and he leaned back against the counter, unsure of what to do. 

Harry leaned down, hooking his thumbs beneath his trousers and pulling them down, revealing his smooth skin beneath. Louis could feel his throat dry up as he swallowed, wetting his lips. Harry pulled back the curtain, stepping into the shower. He looked back at Louis, who was still fully clothed. “What are you waiting for?” he said, chuckling. “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before” 

Louis nodded, all of a sudden feeling dumb as he reached to peel his own clothes off, until he was as naked as Harry was. He followed him into the shower, stepping into the warm spray as it hit the back of his neck, running down his back to his spine, pooling around their feet. 

They stood together for a while, Harry leaning against Louis, who was being Harry’s rock, as always. Water droplets dripped off the tip of Louis’ nose, trickling down onto Harry shoulder and down all the way to the floor. 

Eventually, they did move, Harry reaching for the shampoo with his right hand. He poured some into his hands, rubbing them together to work up a lather. His back turned to Louis, he started rubbing the soap into his wet curls. Louis reached up to help him, massaging his head. Harry smiled a little, remembering whenever Louis would do that before everything happened. He stepped back into the spray, rinsing the shampoo out. He closed his eyes, letting it run down his back. Louis reached for his shoulders, gently kneading the skin between his fingers, feeling Harry’s shoulders become less tense beneath his hands. 

Suddenly, Harry let out a small, breathy moan. Louis removed his hands, afraid of hurting him, but Harry shook his head. “Please,” he said. “That feels good.” Louis nodded, placing his hands back onto Harry’s shoulder blades, working the skin beneath with his fingers. 

Harry turned around, placing a hand on the back of Louis’ neck, crashing their lips together. Louis was taken aback, but soon melted into the kiss, closing his eyes and moving his lips against Harry’s. He felt Harry open his mouth slightly, letting Louis slip his tongue into his mouth. Louis ran his tongue along Harry’s bottom lip, and he heard Harry’s soft whines, rubbing up against Louis, who could only feel a familiar ache between his legs as his cock hardened from the friction. 

He opened his eyes, looking down for the first time, seeing that Harry was just as aroused as he was. He looked up into Harry’s eyes as his hand inched closer to his cock. “Is this ok?” He asked, gently stroking Harry’s hard cock. 

Harry whimpered at the touch, knees buckling. He nodded frantically, and Louis wrapped his fingers around Harry’s length, moving up and down slowly, teasing Harry. He enjoyed hearing the sound of Harry’s breathy moans and whimpers. He couldn’t even remember the last time they did this- it had been too long. But this was meaningful- they were making new memories, washing the old, bad ones away. 

Louis’ thumb ghosted over the tip of Harry’s cock, and Harry didn’t even try to hide his reaction this time, gasping loudly as he gripped Louis’ shoulders. “Lou-” He choked out. “I’m gonna-”

“Don’t worry,” Louis said soothingly. “I’ve got you.” Harry nodded, closing his eyes and biting down on his bottom lip, now a deep shade of red, almost like a ruby. He let out one last shuddery moan as he came into Louis’ hand, leaning against him for support. It was a miracle he didn’t collapse as he came down from his high. He still rubbed up against Louis, desperate to get him off as well. Louis felt a warm feeling build up, and he closed his eyes. His hips jolted as he came as well, waves of pleasure racking his body. He moaned against Harry’s shoulder, practically shaking after the experience. 

The water fell against their backs, still warm, although Louis doubted how much longer it would remain that temperature, it felt like they’d been in there for ages. A couple drops trickled down from his forehead, dripping off of his chin.

It took a couple minutes for them to catch their breath, but Harry finally leaned down, kissing Louis again. “God,” he sighed. “That was fucking amazing.”

Louis laughed. “Yeah,” he agreed, “fuck, you’re so beautiful.”

Harry blushed, saying, “Thanks. You’re pretty handsome yourself, has anyone ever told you that?” Louis chuckled. “We should wash up.”


	27. Zayn's Surprise

Making breakfast in the morning together was fun, not to mention, different. Louis had never actually been up early enough to make himself breakfast, usually he was too tired to even get up. He would normally have just opted to grab a bite to eat from some greasy fast food restaurant. However, it was nice to spend more time with Harry. They felt even closer than before after last night’s experience in the shower, but on top of that, Louis really just loved getting to talk. And not even over a phone, but in person, and that made it even more meaningful. Plus, he was actually learning something new, and from someone he loved, not like those stupid Youtube videos he’d watche da few years ago to try and learn how to cook, producing only meals that tasted like cardboard. 

But right now, they were eating the omelette Harry had taught him how to make. Louis had painstakingly poured time and effort into trying to perfect it, wanting to actually impress Harry with his cooking. Sure, he might’ve won his heart over with his chicken and homemade mash, but that was ten years ago. 

He watched eagerly as Harry took a bite of omelette. He closed his eyes while chewing it, smiling happily. “Very lovely, Lou!” He cheered, making Louis grin. “And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.” 

“Thanks,” Louis chuckled, grabbing his own fork and digging into his omelette. “Means a lot.” He had to admit, his cooking was getting better day by day. “No problem,” Harry said, smiling at Louis. 

Louis smiled back, shoveling his omelette in his mouth. There was never much to do, since he wasn’t actually going to meetings, or going out much at all anymore. However, today, he had two very important things to do. First, he needed to finish the song he’d started. Second, he needed to call Zayn. He hadn’t had any contact with him since he’d left London in the first place, and after all, it was the man’s birthday, it was only courtesy. Plus, Louis never missed the chance to make his mate’s days a little brighter. 

So, as soon as breakfast was over, the dishes were in the sink, and Harry had gone to water his plants, Louis pulled out his phone, stepping onto the porch to dial Zayn. It only rang three times before his friend picked up. “Hello,” Zayn said cheerfully. “How are you?” 

Louis smiled upon hearing his friend’s voice. “Pretty good, how about you, lad?” He asked, looking out at the dewey fields, the sun reflected in each droplet. 

“I’m doing alright, thanks.” Zayn said. 

“Happy birthday, by the way,” Louis chuckled. “Probably should’ve started out with that.”

Zayn laughed, then sighed in happiness, Louis could tell he was smiling on the other end. “What’s got you all happy?” He asked curiously, a sly hint in his tone. Zayn chuckled a bit, before taking a deep breath. “Well, actually, now’s a good time to tell you…” Zayn said, teasing Louis.

“What?” Louis laughed, sitting down in one of Harry’s chairs. 

“Gigi told me she’s pregnant.” Zayn said. 

Louis nearly fell out of his seat. “Wait, what?” He asked excitedly. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah,” Zayn laughed, barely able to control his happiness. “Wow,” Louis said incredulously. “Man, that’s amazing.”

“Thanks, man, I can’t tell you how excited I am,” Zayn said. 

“I believe you,” Louis chuckled, rubbing his forehead. “Well, all the love to you and Gigi. I’m sure you’ll be great parents.”

“Thanks, man.” Zayn said. 

“Anytime.” Louis said, smiling. 

He let Zayn talk a little bit about how he and Gigi’s lives were going, smiling the whole time. Honest to God, he was just stunned that now two of his best mates were going to be dads. And man, once this hit the news outlets, their fans would be shocked. Louis himself was shocked. 

Man, it felt so weird to think about it. They were all grown up now, not teenagers anymore. Even Harry, the baby of the band, he was all grown up too, he’d even managed to finally grow a beard. In fact, Harry probably grew up the most, at least emotionally. But they’d all changed so much in the past ten years, it was insane to even try and process it. They went from teenagers with bad haircuts to adults with slightly better ones (except Harry, his hair was always great, at least in Louis’ opinion.) And they were writing their own songs, dealing with bigger issues than “she just broke up with me.” 

And now, two of them were dads. The thought warmed Louis’ heart. Bear and this new baby, the new additions to their family. 

He talked to Zayn a bit about his songs, even going into depth about one he was excited for, one that Harry had written, but he didn’t mention that. All Zayn needed to know was that Louis had a song that their management would deem more “appropriate” for their album. Which, to be fair, still didn’t even have a name. They’d have to actually come up with one soon, wouldn’t they?

“It was lovely to talk to you, mate,” Zayn was saying, “I’ve got to go, but catch you later? Good luck with that song.”

Louis smiled as he said goodbye, hearing the sound of the beep as the call was ended. Boy, would Harry be surprised by the news he had for him. He grinned as he got up to walk inside. 

Harry was sitting at the table, his laptop in front of him, playing a video. Louis came over behind him, wrapping his arms around Harry and resting his chin on his shoulder. He squinted, trying to see what Harry was watching. 

It was a One Direction performance, funnily enough. The first one after Harry’s disappearance, actually. Louis remembered how long it had taken for him to pull himself together and let Liam drag him onstage. There they were, singing Midnight Memories like it was nothing. You wouldn’t have been able to ever tell how much the boys were hurting that day, they’d learned how to act by that point. But it wasn’t the same, and none of them could quite get Harry’s note in the bridge just right, so they just had Zayn do an adlib there, wowing the crowd all the same. 

Harry smiled as he watched them dancing around the stage on screen. “That was a really good performance.” He commented. 

“Would’ve been even better if we had you.” Louis sighed, kissing Harry’s neck. 

“I’m sorry,” Harry said, eyes falling to his lap. 

“No, don’t be.” Louis reminded him, leaning over to press a kiss to his lips. He sat down in the chair beside Harry. “Boy, do I have news for you.” He said eagerly, watching Harry’s green eyes flicker with excitement. 

“What?” Harry asked. Louis grinned. “Zayn just told me that Gigi’s pregnant.” He said excitedly. 

Harry’s face formed an ‘o’ shape as his jaw dropped in surprise. “Really?” He asked. Louis nodded. “I can’t believe it!” Harry cried, laughing. He reached over, squeezing Louis’ hand. “I’ll have to meet Gigi sometime.” 

Louis had to do a double take at Harry’s last statement, which seemed to him more like a promise than anything else.


	28. Ready To Run

Harry reached over, playing with Louis’ hair. Louis smiled, swatting at Harry’s hands. “Stop,” he whined, looking up at Harry, who only smirked in response. “You should grow your hair out, Lou,” he said, twirling it into a curl with his finger. 

“I had it grown out for a while, a couple years back.” Louis said, returning his gaze to the notebook in his hands. He’d written what he had going on in his mind, all the emotions he’d experienced over the past few weeks, which was quite an extensive range. All the ups and downs of the past few years seemed to lead to this very moment in time, Louis leaning against Harry’s chest, and Harry twisting his hair into little curly shapes. 

They sat like that for a while, Louis finishing what he was writing, and Harry even attempted to see if Louis’ hair was long enough to braid. Finally Louis satup all the way, getting up and grabbing Harry’s guitar. Harry watched in curiosity as Louis sat down on the coffee table, strumming out a few chords. He hummed a line of the melody he wanted, glancing down at his lyrics. 

He cleared his throat, looking back up at Harry. “Well, this is all very ad libbed, but here we go,” He said, strumming a few different chords in a repeated pattern. 

“There’s a lightning in your eyes I can’t deny, then there’s me inside a sinking boat, running out of time,” He sang, and Harry leaned forward, listening intently. “Without you I know I’ll never make it out alive, but I know, yes I know we’ll be alright.”

Harry smiled at that. 

“There’s a devil in your smile that’s chasing me, and every time I turn around it’s only gaining speed,” Louis continued, grinning slightly as he sang. “There’s a moment when you finally realize, there’s no way you can change the rolling tide, but I know, yes, I know I’ll be fine.”

He paused, glancing over at his words. “This time I’m ready to run,” he sang loudly, changing up the chords a little. “Escape from the city and follow the sun, ‘cause I wanna be yours, ‘cause you wanna be mine, I don’t wanna get lost in the dark of the night,” He looked down at Harry, who was grinning. Louis was happy he liked the song. 

“This time I’m ready to run, wherever you are is the place I belong,” Louis continued. “‘Cause I wanna be free, and I wanna be young, I’ll never look back now I’m ready to run, I’m ready to run.” 

“There’s a future in my life I can’t foresee,” Louis sang, increasingly becoming more comfortable with the melody as he got used to it. “Unless of course, I stay on course and keep you next to me. There will always be the kind that criticize, but I know, yes, I know we’ll be alright.”

As he sang the chorus again, Harry joined in, humming along and drumming on his kneecaps. Then, Louis came to the bridge, and changed the chords once more, singing loudly, “This time I’m ready to run, I’ll give everything I’ve got for your love.”

He paused, returning to just simple strums. “This time I’m ready to run,” he sang, softly this time. “Escape from the city and follow the sun,” he suddenly burst into full volume, singing, “‘Cause I wanna be yours, ‘cause you wanna be mine, I don’t wanna get lost in the dark of the night.”

Harry looked over at the paper, singing along, “This time I’m ready to run, wherever you are is the place I belong, ‘cause I wanna be free, and I wanna be young, I’ll never look back now, I’m ready to run.”

Louis finished off with one last strum of the guitar, listening to the sound reverberate. Harry smiled. “That was really good,” he said. “Can’t wait until it’s on the album. Then,” he said slyly, fingers tracing over Louis’ thigh, “I can listen to it all day.”

Louis snorted. “Surely you’d get bored.” Harry shook his head. “Never,” he promised. 

Louis laughed, setting the guitar down carefully beside Harry on the couch. Harry picked it up in return, plucking a few chords, looking down soulfully at his beloved instrument. A curl fell in front of his face, hovering just over his eyelashes. Louis smiled. 

“Can you play a song for me now?” Louis asked, and Harry looked up at him, green eyes twinkling with delight. “Sure,” he said, sitting up and pushing his stray curls behind his ear. “Any song in particular?”

Louis thought for a minute. “Can you do Night Changes?” He asked. “I don’t think you’ve played it yet.”

Harry sighed. “I haven’t played it on guitar for a while, I’m not sure I remember how.” He said sadly. He reached into his pocket, pulling out his phone. “I have an old recording of it, though, just give me a minute or two.”

“How old?” Louis asked, curious. Harry laughed a bit. “Pretty old. Like, I wrote it in 2014, I think, and recorded it as soon as I could.” He explained. “Here,” he placed the phone down on the coffee table, pressing the play button. 

“Hello, I’m Harry.” The younger Harry said on the recording. Louis smiled, hearing his boyfriend’s voice like he remembered it, so long ago. “I wrote this, it’s called Night Changes, so I’m just going to give it a go.”

The Harry on the recording cleared his throat, gently strumming the guitar. “Going out tonight, changes into something red, her mother doesn’t like that kind of dress, reminds her of a missing piece of innocence she lost,” Younger Harry gently crooned. “Driving too fast, moon is breaking through her hair, she said it was something that she won’t forget, having no regrets is all that she really wants.”

Louis looked over at Harry, already impressed with the ballad. “We’re only getting older, baby, and I’ve been thinking about it lately, does it ever drive you crazy, just how fast the night changes?” Younger Harry sang, his voice sounding as sweet as sugar through the recording. “Everything that you’ve ever dreamed of, disappearing when you wake up, but there’s nothing to be afraid of, even when the night changes, it will never change me and you.”

The recording stopped there, with only some more background noise as Harry fumbled with ending the recording. Harry shifted nervously, looking over at Louis for appraisal. “It’s so good.” Louis said. Harry smiled, blushing slightly. “I do have more written, I just didn’t record it then and-”

Louis cut him off, leaning over to kiss him. Harry smiled against Louis’ lips, sighing in contentment. “Thanks.” He smiled at Louis. “I love you.” 

Louis grinned, caressing the side of Harry's face, running his thumb over his cheekbone. “I love you too.”


	29. Sweet Baby, Our Sex Has Meaning

warning: more smut ;) 

•••

Harry appeared in the doorway after turning the rest of the house lights off, his shadow cast on the wall behind him. Louis glanced up from his place in their bed, where he was busy reading one of Harry’s books. He smiled, pulling the covers down to allow Harry room to sit beside him.

Harry bit his lip nervously, before walking over to the bed. He sat beside Louis, leaning in without a word and pressing a kiss to Louis’ lips. Louis sighed into the kiss, dropping the book to the floor, where it fell with a small noise as it hit the ground. He held his hands up to Harry ‘s face, cupping his cheeks in his hands. Harry tried to deepen the kiss, opening his mouth to let Louis’ tongue in. 

Louis smiled against Harry’s lips, getting used to the feeling of his tongue gliding over Harry’s bottom lip, sucking gently, drawing blood to the surface and making the color a bright red. Harry sighed breathily, drawing in air as he caught his breath. He moved over Louis, straddling his waist and wrapping his legs around him. Louis sat up to make the new position more comfortable, placing his hands behind Harry’s back and fisting his shirt in his hands. 

His eyes had been closed, but as soon as Harry began to move- and really move- against him, his blue eyes shot open, his mouth trapped in a silent “oh.” Harry began to grind against Louis, their crotches rubbing together. Louis could feel his pants becoming tighter and his pants becoming more raggedy and breathless. To his own surprise, Harry began to tug at the bottom of Louis’ shirt, eyes pleading for more. 

“Wait,” Louis gasped, cheeks flushed. Harry stopped, pulling back and looking over Louis with his green eyes, darkened by arousal. “Are you ready?” Louis asked.

Harry nodded frantically. “I’m ready,” He confirmed, “Please, I’ve been ready for a while, and I want to do this with you. I love you so much.”

Louis smiled, glancing down at Harry’s erection, visible through his plaid pajama pants. “I love you too.” Louis said, “I never get tired of saying that.”

“Me neither,” Harry said, leaning back and pulling his shirt off. Louis glanced over his chest, tracing his tattoos, all the way down to the butterfly near his belly button. He let his fingers tease gently over Harry’s pants, before bringing them back up, running his thumb over his nipple. Harry sighed, a guttural sound emerging from his throat, as Louis leaned down, licking around his nipplie, flicking it with his tongue. “God, Lou,” he cried, entangling his hands in Louis’ hair. 

It hurt a little at how Harry pulled at his hair, but Louis didn’t mind. Tonight was about Harry. This would be a big deal to him, and Louis wanted- no, he needed it to be perfect for Harry. He let his fingers circle another one of Harry’s nipples, pinching it slightly between his thumb and forefinger. 

Harry let his hands wander as well, tugging at the hem of Louis’ shirt again. Louis pulled back, reaching his arms up so Harry could pull his shirt off. Before Louis could lean back in, Harry was peppering his neck with kisses, some lingering longer than others, some sure to make a mark. Louis could feel himself grow in his sweats as Harry sucked at his neck, whimpering at the overload of sensations. 

His hand slipped down, rubbing Harry through the thin layers of fabric, making him gasp at the feeling. He pressed a little harder, and Harry moaned aloud, crying out. He leaned back as Louis moved further and further down, getting off of the bed and onto his knees as he pulled Harry’s pants and boxers down in one motion. 

Harry watched eagerly as Louis took him into his mouth, swirling his tongue around the head of his cock. Louis closed his eyes, his senses taking over him. He lapped at the pre-come gathering in beads at the tip, little kitten licks that he knew drove Harry crazy. He gripped Harry’s hips with his hands, fingernails digging in slightly, but not enough to hurt him. 

Harry twitched beneath him, and Louis could tell he was close by the way his hips wanted to buck up into Louis’ mouth. He pulled off with a popping sound, Harry’s cock glistening with spit. 

“Do you have lube?” He asked Harry, wiping his mouth with his hand. Harry nodded, pointing to the drawer in the bedside table. After a little rummaging around, Louis managed to find the lube. He sat back up on the bed, twisting the bottle cap off with his right hand. 

“Do you want me to bottom?” Louis asked. Harry bit his lip nervously. “Actually, I want to.” Harry said. “I’m clean, I got tested a few months back, I cleaned myself out and everything, I just really want to. If that’s ok.”

Louis’ gaze softened, placing a hand on Harry’s shoulder. “Of course.” He said softly. “Whatever you want. But if you want to stop and switch, that’s perfectly fine.” Harry nodded his understanding, lying back against their pillow, propping himself up so he could see what Louis was doing. 

Louis started by removing his own pants and boxers, until he was completely in the nude. Then he grabbed the bottle of lube again, pouring some over his fingers and slicking them up. He leaned down, positioning himself between Harry’s legs and looking up as he placed a lubed finger near his entrance. He looked up at Harry, locking green and blue eyes together and he pressed in. He felt Harry’s rim stretch to accommodate the intrusion of his index finger, and he saw the tiny furrow of his eyebrows. 

“How are you feeling?” He asked Harry, moving his finger around slightly. Harry licked his lips. “That feels good.” He said offhand. Louis smiled, waiting a few minutes before adding a second finger, pausing to let Harry stretch before he scissored them, working in and out of Harry, who was emitting little pleasurable noises, gasps and moan and whines. 

Soon, Louis was pressing near Harry’s prostate, making him cry out every time he hit it. “God,” Harry cried. “Please, Lou, need you in me.” 

Louis grabbed the lube bottle again, pouring some over his hardened cock, jerking himself off to slick himself up. Lying back down over Harry, he positioned himself near his entrance, pressing against his rim. He locked eyes with Harry again, leaning down to kiss him as he pushed in. Harry made a sharp noise at the sudden stretch. “Are you ok?” Louis asked frantically. Harry nodded. “I’m fine, don’t worry.” He whispered. “Just been a while.” Louis nodded, thrusting slowly, rocking their hips together. He was barely even moving, so scared of hurting his lover. 

Slowly, Harry began to move as well, bucking his hips up against Louis, who started to pick up in pace. Harry started whimpering again, squeezing his eyes shut in an expression of pure bliss and euphoria, crying out every time Louis brushed against Harry’s prostate. 

Louis angled his hips, trying to hit it dead on, hearing Harry cry, “Fuck! Fuck, Lou, right there!”

It was an overwhelming feeling. Harry was so tight and warm, and Louis could feel his own orgasm building up as Harry suddenly cried out louder than before, his fingernails digging into Louis’ back as he came in spurts on his chest. “Fuck, Haz, feels so good,” he gasped as Harry’s walls clenched around him. It only took a couple more thrusts for him to come as well, inside of Harry. He almost collapsed on top of Harry, but he managed to hold himself up, catching his breath in rapid, staggery gasps. He pulled out slowly, falling beside Harry. 

“Fuck,” Harry said a few minutes later, Louis’ arm draped over his chest. “That was perfect.”

Louis turned over facing Harry. “Are you sure that was ok?” He asked. Harry nodded, smiling. “It was better than ok,” He said, leaning over to caress Louis’ cheek. He kissed him softly. “Thank you,” he whispered. Louis smiled, closing his eyes in contentment. “You’re welcome,” he whispered back. 

Harry chuckled, leaning over to turn the lamp’s light out, but neither fell asleep for a while. They were too breathless, and there were so many unspoken things, but they didn’t say a word. They just held each other, not even spooning, naked, physically and emotionally. And Harry didn’t tell Louis that night, but he felt like he could’ve cried with joy. He almost did. The feeling of being used had finally been washed away, all thanks to Louis. And for the first time in five years, Harry actually managed to forget the face of the man who’d abused him, the one that haunted his worst nightmares. 

And Louis had done everything to make him feel safe. Treating him delicately, making sure he was good with everything going on. Harry nuzzled into Louis’ embrace, wondering why he ever left in the first place.


	30. Waking Up Beside You

Considering it was only mid January, Louis figured he was doing exceptionally well. After all, he had several things going for him. 

Harry was truly the love of his life, and it still blew his mind that he was getting to spend every day with him. He dreaded the day that he would have to leave and everything would return to the way it was before, except now he knew about Harry being in hiding, and he would have to keep that a secret from the boys, and he didn’t honestly know how he would do that. But for right now, he focused on the present. He had a happy, healthy boyfriend, they were finally reunited, they finally were beginning to have a healthy sex life as well, which only helped Harry’s recovery. His anxiety still showed up in certain situations, but Louis was there to help him through it, reminding him to take his meds and breathe slowly whenever he felt a panic attack coming on. Louis was finally in a healthy mindset, coming away from the situation with only more understanding of grief and how it takes time to heal. It was weird, now that he’d finally come to terms with his own feelings, but he felt like now, he could get past them.

Another thing going well: his songwriting. Usually, if he had an idea, he would write it down in his notepad to look at later. If it was a good idea, he would expand on it, buzzing with excitement until the song was finished. As of the last couple years, he couldn’t say that inspiration came too often, or at all, but lately, he just had this new energy when it came to songwriting. Maybe it was Harry. Actually, yes, it was Harry, his muse and partner in crime. He and Harry always used to sit down together, sharing song ideas or playing their ideas for one another on the piano or guitar or whatever other various instruments they had scattered around their house. 

However, most of their songs were kept private, to themselves only. Some were just too vulnerable or obviously about one another for management to allow on the album, so they didn’t even bother pitching them. Louis was sure that between him and Harry, they had some songs that were good enough to pitch for the album, but he still wanted a couple more. 

So there he was, sitting on the couch on afternoon, staring up at the ceiling, hoping inspiration would hit him if he lay still enough. Harry sat in the chair opposite him, hunched over his hand with a bottle of yellow nail polish. He gently brushed the polish onto his fingernails in quick little strokes, paying close attention to his work. Louis smiled, watching him from across the room. 

“Harry,” he called. Harry didn’t look up at him, continuing on with his nail polish. “Harry.” Louis called again, waving a hand this time. 

“What?” Harry asked, barely glancing up at Louis to answer. 

“I need help.” 

“Do I need to get up for this?”

“No.”

“Good, ‘cause otherwise the answer would’ve been no.” Harry said, pausing to look up at Louis. “What do you need help with?”

“I need to write but I don’t know what to write about.” He said, tapping his pencil against the notepad. 

Harry arched an eyebrow, smirking. Louis grinned, knowing by his expression that Harry had an idea. “What?” He asked Harry, chuckling a little. 

“Well, you know the songs the fans go crazy over.” Harry explained. Louis nodded. “It’s all the ones with the innuendos,” Harry said slyly, and Louis smirked in response. “So, you give the people what they want. Dirty enough for them to understand, but clean enough to fly over management’s heads.”

Louis nodded. “You’re a genius,” He gushed, blowing a kiss to Harry, who only rolled his eyes in response. “I know,” he muttered, like it was obvious. 

A few minutes later, after extensive thinking and searching for words in his mind, Louis looked up triumphantly. Harry still sat in the same faded green chair, gently blowing across his fingertips to dry them off so he could add another coat of polish. “I got it,” Louis announced, and Harry looked up, grinning slyly. 

Louis cleared his throat. “Stained coffee cup, just a fingerprint of lipstick’s not enough,” he read from the paper. “Sleep, where you lay, just a trace of innocence on the pillowcase.”

He pursed his lips, trying to hide his sly grin as he read the next part, which was admittedly the best part of the song. “Waking up beside you, I’m a loaded gun,” he read, and he heard Harry stifle a giggle. “I can’t contain this anymore, I’m all yours, I’ve got no control.”

He looked up at Harry, red in the face. “Powerless, and I don’t care, it's obvious,” he continued. “I just can’t get enough of you, the pedal’s down, my eyes are closed, no control.”

He smiled cheekily up at Harry, who was quite flustered at hearing the lyrics to the song. “Wow,” Harry said, laughing. “That’s quite the song.”

“Thank you.” Louis said, walking over to sit in the same chair as Harry. “And it’s all thanks to my wonderful genius of a boyfriend.” Harry blushed an even deeper shade of pink at the compliment. “Aww,” he cried, smiling up at Louis. “You’re sweet.” 

Louis ruffled his curls. “Of course.” He said. 

Harry smiled. “I finished my nails,” he said, holding his hands up so Louis could inspect the cheerful yellow shine on each of them. “Hmm,” Louis hummed, holding one of Harry’s hands and bringing it close to his eyes. “Very lovely work. You’ve gotten better.”

Harry smiled. “Thanks.” He said, “Now let’s get up, we should make dinner soon.” He walked into the kitchen. “You coming?” He asked, turning around to face Louis, who smirked. 

“Sure,” Louis pretended to complain, making a show of dragging himself out of the chair and following Harry, who arched a brow. 

“Very amusing.” He said, not laughing at Louis’ antics. “Now come on, we have chicken to make.”


	31. Something Red

All good things must come to an end. Louis knew this better than anyone, it was something he’d heard said a lot, mostly by people trying to comfort him. It always stung to hear it, but now it stung to think about it, as the limited days of his vacation drew closer and closer to an end. He’d tried to ignore it as long as he could, and just stay in blissful paradise with Harry, but there wasn’t any point in playing pretend. 

So with a week left on the island with Harry, they tried to make the best of it. They went on walks around the island, occasionally going over to Beau and Calli’s, dropping off dinner and offering their help with the baby. Some nights, they even ventured down to the shore of the ocean, never further going further in its frigid waters than their ankles, icy cold waves lapping at their feet. 

They didn’t waste a minute of their time. Louis even stopped writing songs for the time being, only transferring the ones he was going to pitch for the album onto newer paper, revising lyrics and chord progressions. Otherwise, he did no more new writing. 

Besides, he wanted to do something a little more special than just write a song for what was coming up. After a whole month spent in Scotland, Harry’s birthday was coming around the corner. Louis didn’t know what the past four birthdays had looked like for Harry, although he was told Calli baked a cake and the three friends would share dinner and a couple glasses of wine. But he wanted to make Harry feel special. It had been so long since he’d been given the chance, and he just wanted everything to be perfect. 

So, after enlisting the help of Beau and Calli, he made a plan. It was a cool evening, gusts of wind blowing over the grassy fields. The sun was sinking into the ocean, making the water seem like liquid gold. Louis and Beau had set up a nice surprise: a picnic dinner, checked blanket and everything. He’d set out two glasses and a bottle of wine for Harry, bringing a tinier bottle of sparkling cider for himself, not wanting to break his sobriety when he’d been doing so well. He borrowed a basket from Calli, hiding a loaf of bread and a block of cheese inside. 

He didn’t keep the picnic a total secret from Harry, only leaving some parts out, as to add an element of surprise. He just asked him to dress up nicely, their first fancy date in years. 

Louis looked in the mirror himself, straightening his collar. He wore the nicest thing he’d packed, his knit sweater, striped white and blue, and he wore his coat over it, to keep out the cold. He felt oddly nervous, for no reason in particular. They’d been on a million dates like this before, dressed even nicer and at even more expensive prices than a cheap bottle of wine and a borrowed blanket cost. 

He heard the door open behind him, and he turned around, taking in a sharp breath as he saw Harry in all his glory. He wore a silky red blouse, almost the color of mulled wine, trimmed with lace the same color. He wore his black jeans, his black coat over everything, and he’d made an effort to brush his curls out of his face, revealing his blythe smile and blushing cheeks. He extended his hands, turning around to show off his outfit. “What do you think?” he asked Louis, biting his lip nervously. 

Louis released his breath, not realizing he was holding it in the first place. He approached Harry without a word, just gazing at him in awe. “You’re gorgeous,” he finally said. Harry blushed even more. “You look pretty breathtaking too.” Harry said, playing with the collar of Louis’s coat. 

Louis smiled, reaching down to take Harry’s hand. “Well,” he said, squeezing Harry’s hand slightly. “Are you ready?” Harry nodded, letting Louis lead him outside. The wind blew, chilly on their faces, but they wrapped their coats around them closer, walking out to the picnic blanket. 

Harry sat down first, as Louis leaned down, reaching into the basket and pulling out another blanket, large enough to cover the both of them. Harry smiled at the gesture, helping Louis to unfold it, draping it over their shoulders. They faced the sunset, watching as the sun dipped closer and closer to the horizon line. Louis pulled the picnic basket closer to them, pouring their glasses, red wine for Harry and sparkling cider for himself. They made a toast to Harry, drinking to his twenty six years of life. 

“This is amazing.” Harry said, spreading cheese onto his slice of bread. “I can’t believe you had time to do all this.”

Louis smiled. “Thanks.” He said. “And happy birthday, love.” Harry blushed, before his face grew solemn. “You know, the first few months were the loneliest.” He trailed off. Louis nodded, listening intently. “I didn’t know anyone, and I was just in the house all day.” He looked over in Louis’ direction, his gaze faltering. “I honestly considered trying to end it all again.” Louis rubbed his shoulders, wrapping his arms around Harry. “But I got to thinking about why I made it out of the crash alive. I don’t even know how. I always said it was just my luck, but maybe it was a sign.”

“And what would that sign be?” Louis asked as Harry took a bite of his cheesy bread. 

“Just… hold on.” Harry said, staring off into the sunset. “Life gets better, and there’s so much to look forward to, even at rock bottom.” 

Louis smiled, feeling himself tear up. He couldn’t agree more, especially since he’d had his own struggles, even if his were by drunken accident. “I hope you know, Harry,” he said, resting his head on Harry’s shoulder. “I’m so grateful you didn’t die. I used to try and tell myself that the best case scenario would be you, well, I don’t know, being out of pain, I guess, but I always wished I’d see you again.” He kissed the side of Harry’s neck. “And now I am. And I can’t believe I get to say that. You are the love of my life, and I never, ever want to make you feel any less.”

A tear rolled down Harry’s cheeks as he leaned down, pressing a kiss to Louis’ lips. It was such a perfect moment, really, Louis wished he would have proposed on the spot. It was just such a shame that he was the world’s biggest dumbass, leaving it at home in the drawer. But that was alright. He’d get his moment eventually. 

And he knew that when he did get the chance to propose, it would be perfect. Probably years overdue, but perfect all the same. He loved Harry, and he was sure Harry loved him. And nothing would ever change that. After all, here they were, after five years apart, still every bit as in love as they were when they were teenagers. And if that wasn’t a true love story, Louis didn’t know what was.


	32. The Last Night

“I wish you could stay for longer,” Harry pouted, sticking out his bottom lip. Louis smiled sadly as he folded one of his sweaters in half, before tucking it into his suitcase. “Me too, Haz,” He sighed, grabbing another shirt to pack away. “Trust me, I’d stay forever if I could. 

Harry sighed, helping to pack Louis’ clothes up. “At least we have tonight.’ He said, placing a neatly folded pair of pants next to the two shirts. “Are you sure you don’t need me to wash anything before you go?”

Louis laughed. “I think it would be more believable if I just showed up all messy,” he said, “but thank you for the offer.” Harry smiled only slightly, his lips forming a thin line. It was an expression he’d always reserved for when Louis was about to leave. It used to be for only two weeks at a time, but they both knew it would be a long time before they saw each other in person again. After all, there’s not really a sane reason for needing to go to a secluded island off the coast of Scotland frequently, especially in the middle of an album release or tour. 

Louis made sure he had Harry’s number, written safely on the inside cover of his notebook.It was also saved in his phone, in a contact just labeled with a heart symbol, just in case one of the boys saw it. Harry had actually insisted upon doing it, picking up Louis’ phone and altering the contact.

“What are you doing?” Louis had asked. “Just changing it from my name.” Harry had replied, typing it out. 

“Why? Management won’t see.” Louis said. 

“It’s not management I’m worried about, it’s more Niall,” Harry said absentmindedly, handing the phone back to Louis. 

Which made sense, as Niall was known to be a bit nosy, looking over shoulders and such. Louis chuckled to himself as he packed away the last shirt, leaning over and closing the top, zipping it up. He picked it up, setting it on the ground. He let it go, and it rolled around an inch or two from the force. 

“Well, you’re packed.” Harry said forlornly, sitting down on the end of the bed. Louis sighed, sitting down beside him and wrapping his arms around Harry. “Baby,” he said, nuzzling into Harry’s neck. “Don’t worry. I’ll call you every night, and every time I get a break from the band.”

Harry sniffed. “I know, it’s just…” He trailed off, struggling to find the right words. “This last month has been the best. And I don’t want that to change, but now life is just going to be the way it was before.”

“But it won’t.” Louis reassured him, rubbing circles on his shoulder blades. “Trust me. Even if i’m not here, I’ll always be looking out for you, and thinking of you. You’ll’ be in my dreams,” he promised, leaning up to kiss Harry tenderly on the lips. “We’ve survived separation, we’ll do it again. And who knows?” He asked. “I might be back before you know it.”

Harry smiled. “You better mean that.” he said in mock warning, wagging his finger, before his face softened again. “I’ll miss you.” He said, sighing.

Louis cupped his face. “Me too.” He said. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Harry said, leaning forward and touching noses with Louis. They both smiled at the action, their foreheads touching.

“Is there anything else you want to do?” Harry asked, biting his lips. Louis thought for a minute, before smiling cheekily. “Well,” he started slyly, “I noticed that you have a nice bathtub, don’t think we’ve tried that out yet.”

Harry blushed, his smile identical to Louis’. “Let’s go run a bath, then.” he said, grabbing Louis’ hand and pulling him into the bathroom. Louis headed over to the tub, fumbling around with the faucet handles, trying to find a good temperature. He tested the stream of water several times, burning himself once by accident. But finally he found a good temperature, not too hot, not too cold, but just right for a shared bath. 

“I think I have some bubbles around here somewhere.” Harry commented, searching through the cabinets. “Ah, here we go.” He produced a small glass bottle, labeled Lavender Foaming Bath. 

“What do you have bubbles for?” Louis asked, not out of disgust, but rather, curiosity. Harry giggled. “It was a Christmas present,” he said, and Louis took the bottle, unscrewing the top off. He poured some of it by the pouring water, creating foamy bubbles within seconds. 

Harry started to unbutton his shirt, jokingly swaying his hips as he did. Louis snorted, reaching down and pulling his own shirt over his head. When he looked back up, Harry’s was shirtless, fumbling with his belt buckle. Louis let his eyes drift over his torso, taking everything- the rippling muscles, the tattoos, the long, jagged scar trailing from his rib cage to his collarbone. He wanted to lean forward, press little kisses over every inch of Harry’s body. 

He pulled his pants off, letting them drop to the floor, gathering around his ankles. He stepped out of them and into the bathtub, dipping a toe into the steaming water. He sighed in relaxation, sinking into the bubbly water. 

Harry joined him, sitting opposite Louis. He grinned at Louis, showing off his pearly white smile. The flowery smell of lavender filled the room, making both of them sigh in comfort, relaxing. 

These were the moments Louis would remember when he lay in his bed alone, late at night, remembering how happy he felt when they were happening. Despite being worlds apart, he always carried a little piece of Harry with him, in his heart. 

And even as they reluctantly got out of the tub, getting dressed again, sharing soft kisses that tasted of sugar and honey, Louis did his best to remember every little detail. The way Harry’s painted nails dug into his skin as they made out in their bed, how silky soft his plump lips felt against Louis’ tongue. How Louis wanted to reach out and wrap his arms around Harry forever, holding him until the end of time, keeping him safe from every danger thrown his way.


	33. Separated Again

Louis closed the trunk of the rental car on his suitcase, his messenger bag slung around his shoulder. He sighed, stepping back, and felt Harry’s hand on his shoulder. He turned to face him, knowing this was it. This was where they would say goodbye, and they were both praying life wouldn’t go back to being as miserable. Harry sniffed, rubbing his nose. 

“Well, you should probably get going.” He sighed sadly, swallowing hard. Louis nodded pursing his lips. “Yeah, I probably should,” he agreed, not moving an inch. 

“You’ll call, right?” Harry asked nervously. 

“Of course.” Louis said. “Every day.” Harry nodded, bowing his head. He blinked frequently, trying to dash away the tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. “Hey,” Louis said softly, placing an arm around Harry’s shoulders. “It’s going to be fine. I promise.”

Harry nodded, smiling in the midst of his tears. “We’ll be alright,” he said, messing one last time with Louis’ hair. Louis didn’t bat away his hands this time, letting Harry run his fingers through his hair, in desperate need of a cut, pulling the strands to the front in a faux fringe, making Louis smile. He reached up his own hand, playing with Harry’s curls, which fell past his ear at this point. He’d announced the other day he wanted to grow it out a bit, which made Louis very happy. According to Harry, his hair had grown past his shoulders a few years ago, so he tried to cut it, and it ended up being too short. Ever since then, he’d asked Calli to help him make it more even. Louis wished there were pictures of Harry with his extra-long hair, he would have loved to see them. 

Louis sighed, sinking into Harry’s arms and patting his back. “Ugh,” he cried. “I’m going to hate sleeping alone again.”

“Me too.” Harry said, rubbing Louis’ shoulders. “You could always bunk with one of the boys but I don’t think they’d like that.” 

Louis laughed. “Yeah, I think they’d prefer sleeping with their girlfriends. Not in the dirty sense,” he clarified. “Will you be alright?” He asked nervously, brushing his fingers against Harry’s forehead as he twirled a curl within between his index finger and thumb. 

“Of course,” Harry smiled, “we’ll make it through.”

Louis nodded. “And just so you remember,” he said, taking Harry’s hand in his own and kissing over the top of it, “if you feel down, or like you might try to do something to hurt yourself, I’m one call away.” He promised.

Harry smiled, leaning down to press their foreheads together. “Same goes for you,” he said, their noses touching. “I want you to be happy.”

“Me too.” Louis said, bringing their lips together to meet in a soft, slow kiss. They moved their lips against each other, and Louis let himself melt into it, wanting to make this last kiss count. 

“I love you.” 

Louis squeezed Harry’s hand one last time, walking around to get in the car. He sat in the driver’s seat, feeling abnormally cold, and started the ignition. 

As he pulled out, and Harry got further and further away, he could only watch as Harry waved, a tear streaming down his face. The wind blew his curls all around, covering his eyes, but he made no move to brush them away, not stirring until Louis was completely out of sight. 

The whole drive back to the airport, Louis had his phone plugged in, playing the voice recordings Harry had sent him. It calmed him to hear Harry, almost like he was sitting right next to Louis, strumming his guitar and singing his songs. 

The same songs that Louis had transferred into his notebook, safely tucked into his messenger bag, which sat on the passenger seat of the car. He had a jittery feeling in the pit of his stomach, wondering if he was doing the right thing. Well, Harry had given him permission to take the songs and pass them off as his own, in fact, he was the one who’d suggested it. So did that make it ok? Louis didn’t know, but he did know that Harry did not want to come back at the moment. As much as it pained Louis to lie, he would do it, as long as it kept Harry safe.

It was a sunny day, light reflecting off the ocean and wind whistling through the grassy fields. The drive ended up being much more cheerful than Louis remembered, but then again, the last time he’d been struggling to even see through a heavy storm, so this was a definite upside. Clouds drifted across the sky, and all in all, it was quite a beautiful scene. At least Louis could find some beauty in even a sad moment. 

He laughed suddenly, having the idea of coming out here to do a video shoot. He shook his head, smiling. Never. It was too close to where Harry was staying, too risky, plus, if the fans found out they shot the video on the island, they’d be swarming it, which would put Harry at even more of a risk. 

The whole drive to the car rental, he listened to Harry’s songs. When he got there, after returning the car, he walked into the airport central, checking his suitcase and passing through security. 

It was only once he’d visited the cafe for a much-needed cup of coffee and used the bathroom that he checked his phone, only to find a message from Harry. 

I miss you already -H

He smiled, typing his response. 

I miss you too. Love you

He sighed, tucking his phone back into his pocket as he waited for his flight to be called over the intercom. This was going to be a tough couple of months, but he’d survive.


	34. Back In London

Louis walked out of the airport, weary from his flight. He blinked several times. Clearly the coffee he had earlier had no effect on his energy levels, he felt like he could fall asleep in the car. Yawning, he rubbed his eyes. His hand instantly flew to the strap of his messenger bag, slung around his shoulder. He pulled on it slightly, walking out into the crowded London airport. He scanned the crowd, searching for a very certain Irish lad. 

He saw Niall waving frantically at him, his wide smile reaching from ear to ear. Louis smiled at the sight, waving back. He walked up to his friend, promptly wrapping his arms around him. 

“Ah, Tommo!” Niall cried, clapping his back. “You’ve been gone so long!” Louis nodded, chuckling. 

“Yeah,” he said in agreement as they walked together to the baggage claim. Niall kept his arm wrapped around Louis’ shoulders, flashing his bright smile to every passerby. 

“So, what have you been up to?” Niall asked as soon as they came to a stop in front of the conveyor belt, waiting for Louis’ suitcase to appear around the loop. “Written any songs?”

Louis nodded. Now would be the start of all the lies. He took a deep breath, hoping he didn’t get in any trouble for this. He wouldn’t want to go down in history as a lying musician, after all. There were plenty of those already. “Quite a few, actually,” he said. 

Niall’s eyebrow raised as he nodded, impressed. “Wow.” He said. “You’ll have your chance to play them for us at the meeting today.”

Louis arched an eyebrow. “What meeting?” He asked. 

“Management sent an email about it,” Niall explained. “Honestly, don’t you ever check your phone?”

Louis frowned, pulling out his phone. He opened his email, seeing that there indeed was a meeting scheduled for them in about an hour. He sighed in frustration. He only just got back, but he was just thrust back into the “all work, no play” mindset of the managers who not only made their lives a living hell, but also made sure they never caught a break. Even when they were hurt, sick, or worse. 

He was about to put his phone away when he saw a message from Harry come in. Blushing slightly, he opened it, forgetting for a moment that he was in front of Niall. 

Have you landed yet? Call me as soon as you can, I’m bored and alone xx

Louis smiled. “What’s got you all happy?” Niall asked in confusion. Louis suddenly shut his phone off, shoving it into his pocket as he looked up sharply at his friend. 

“Nothing,” he blurted out, cursing himself internally for being too quick. “Just excited for the all, s’ all.” 

Niall smiled. “Me too,” he said. “Can you believe it? It’s been years.”

Louis nodded. “I think I know better than anyone.” He said. 

Niall stopped suddenly. “Oh, sorry,” he apologized quickly. Louis shook his head, raising a hand to silence him. 

“Don’t,” he said. “I’m fine.”

“You sure?” Niall asked, unsure. Louis nodded. “Trust me,” he said. “I’m doing great.”

Niall smiled. “That’s good to hear.” He said, suddenly crouching and pointing. “Is that one yours?” 

Louis turned to the direction Niall was pointing in, narrowing his eyes. Squinting, he could see his suitcase on the conveyor belt, moving at a slow pace. He nodded, walking forward and grabbing it, his fingers hooking underneath the leather handle. He turned back around, wheeling it behind him. 

“Ready?” Niall smiled. 

Absolutely not. 

“Yeah!” Louis said.

\---

Despite his initial reservations, Louis tried to make light of the situation. After all, this was his regular, everyday life. The whole of the past month had been paradise, but that was an exception. Now it was back to meetings and being a celebrity and trying to put an album together in only a matter of months. 

But, try as hard as he might, it was unsurprisingly hard to actually enjoy the meeting while he was seated at a table, his bandmates all around him, Jackson sitting at the head of the table, several large folders of paperwork laid out in front of him. Louis sighed, leaning forward. He had Harry’s songs carefully tucked into the bag at his feet, and as soon as they started, he planned to pitch them.

“Well, boys,” Jackson said, setting his pen down and addressing them. “I hope you enjoyed your break, now it’s time to get down to business.” He leaned forward, and Louis could practically smell the strong scent of mouthwash wafting from Jackson’s breath, his mouth slightly ajar. Louis figured he must’ve just eaten, considering how strong the stench was, and his manager was trying to mask it with extensive amounts of mouthwash. 

“Now, we want to know if any of you got down to any writing.” He said, glancing around them. Louis raised his hand, before dropping it. He wasn’t a kid anymore, there was no reason to do that. “I have.” He said instead. 

All the eyes in the room turned to him. Really? Liam mouthed. Louis nodded, leaning down and grabbing the bag next to his ankles. “Just found a lot of inspiration, I guess,” He said, pulling the songs out. 

His hand shook slightly as he handed one over to Jackson, who snatched it up with his greasy fingers. The manager pulled his glasses down from where they were sitting, perched on his graying hair, letting them rest on the bridge of his nose. “Where do broken hearts go,” he read, squinting. He remained silent as he read the lyrics, before handing the paper back to Louis. “Nice work.” He said, cracking a rare smile. Or at least in Louis’ case, Jackson had only smiled at him once before. “I definitely want to have that produced. Any more?” 

Louis nodded, pulling out all of the songs. His bandmates gaped at him, sharing glances with one another. He hesitated, knowing exactly what was running through their minds. They couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this inspired, and to be honest, neither could he. 

Taking a quick breath, he put the songs out on the table for everyone to read. Niall picked up one, skimming over it. “Wow, Louis. This looks great!” He said. 

Louis smiled. They hadn’t seen through his lies. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.


	35. We'll Get Through This

Three days later, and things were actually running smoothly. Management had approved the songs he'd pitched for the album, and a couple of the other boy's songs. He'd gotten a chance to play a couple on the guitar for the boys, per their insistence on hearing them. He'd also talked to Harry a lot, via secret texting when the boys weren't looking over his shoulder and making secret phone calls in the middle of the night.

The first time they'd tried to call, Louis fell asleep while on FaceTime with Harry. Harry said he looked very adorable, and he even sent Louis a screenshot, and Louis had to admit, he did look pretty damn cute.

The second time, Harry was the one to fall asleep. Louis chugged a glass of coffee before the call, which he regretted, since he stayed up until at least three before he finally managed to sleep. To make things worse, he had to get up at five for a video shoot of Steal My Girl, and he was constantly taking breaks in between shooting so he could lay down for a few minutes.

The third time was the first time Louis had ever attempted phone sex. Well, the second time. They'd tried back when Louis went to his mum's for the weekend, but Anne almost ended up walking in on Harry, prompting him to end the call abruptly, confusing a very flustered Louis mid-wank.

It was late and rushed, but mostly just wanking and hushed dirty talk, not much like everything Louis had thought it would be. They still managed to get off, but conversation was slightly awkward afterwards. But just like all their calls, they ended by telling each other just how much they loved each other, before fighting a little over who would hang up.

But now, it was late in the afternoon, and they were in the recording studio. Louis sat outside, watching Niall record his solo in Spaces, a song Liam had written. He sang beautifully, headphones on and his mouth nearly against the mic.

The lyrics were beautiful, as well the melody. Louis thought the song reminded him of his and Harry's situation. Their little teasing arguments over who would hang up first, Louis having to drive away first. But it was kind of happier than the song was. It wasn't like Louis was going to break up with Harry anytime soon, and he was sure Harry thought the same. After all, Louis had the ring back around his neck, vowing to find the perfect time on his next visit to Harry's cottage.

Niall finished his solo, and came back to sit with the. "Alright," he said, clapping his hands together as he sat down. "Which one are we doing next?"

Louis smiled, answering, "Night Changes. It's my favorite." He added, grinning.

"Why's that?" Zayn teased. "Is it about someone in particular?"

Louis hesitated. This would be the time to lie, wouldn't it? But why did he have to lie?

"No," he said. They looked at him curiously. "Actually, um, I didn't write it."

"What?" Niall asked. "Why would you tell us you did?"

Louis sighed, biting his lip nervously. "Because Harry wrote it." Dead silence.

"What?" Liam asked, paling. "What do you mean?"

"I found an old recording of his a while ago," Louis lied quickly, and slight relief spread through their faces. "I figured out what the words were, and wrote them down."

"Can we hear it?" Zayn asked, his voice sounding cautious, like he was scared. Louis nodded, pulling out his phone and looking for the recording Harry had sent him. "Here," he said, pressing play and setting it down on the table in front of them.

"Hello, I'm Harry," Younger Harry said on the recording. Liam made a small gasping noise, covering his mouth and his hands. Niall blinked, clearly surprised that it was actually Harry they were hearing. Zayn said nothing, only closing his eyes, squeezing his hands together so tightly, his knuckles went pale.

"I wrote this, it's called Night Changes, so I'm just going to give it a go."

Zayn sighed shakily, not opening his eyes. "Going out tonight, changes into something red, her mother doesn't like that kind of dress, reminds her of a missing piece of innocence she lost," Younger Harry sang.

Louis studied his friend's reactions as they listened carefully. For once, they were speechless. Emotion betraying their hard shells, their faces shaking, chins trembling slightly. Harry sang beautifully on the record, and it was like they were hearing it in a totally different way. Especially considering that they all firmly believed Harry was dead. Like this would be their last time to hear his voice.

"We're only getting older, baby, and I've been thinking about it lately, does it ever drive you crazy, just how fast the night changes?" Younger Harry sang, and Louis couldn't help but feel sentimental himself. It was a beautiful song, and Louis loved it a lot.

He looked over at Zayn, who had finally opened his eyes after the chorus started, only to reveal his brown eyes brimming with tears, one slipping out and rolling down the side of his cheek. He said nothing, just shook his head, not bothering to brush the tear away.

The recording ended, and Zayn suddenly sighed loudly, his breath shaking. He swallowed as he reached up to wipe his tears away. "Fuck," he cried. "Just-"

Louis nodded, understanding. To be honest, he hadn't imagined such a strong reaction from Zayn, who was usually the most chill out of the whole band. Even when Harry first disappeared, he'd only cried once, at least that Louis knew of. He was their rock, the one to keep things calm.

"You ok?" He asked Zayn, wrapping an arm around him. "Yeah, man," Zayn said, laughing dryly. "I'm good, it's just, well," he struggled for words.

"I know," Louis said. "You don't have to say it."

He looked over at Niall and Liam, smiling sadly. "Look, we lost Harry," he said, trying to play his part convincingly. "But we can do this. We have each other, and we'll get through this. Not even management can drag us down."

He put his hand in the center of the table. Zayn placed his on top of Louis, and Niall and Liam soon followed suit. "Promise?" Louis asked. The other boys nodded.

"Promise," they said in unison.


	36. Caught

Louis bit into his cheeseburger, savoring the taste. He hadn’t had fast food in over a month, even the past few days he’d ventured into cooking on his own, texting Harry and asking for various recipes. Personally, he was rather proud of himself. The lasagna he’d made just last night tasted decent, and he texted Harry a picture after he finished the meal, and received compliments from his boyfriend in return. 

But he had to admit, while home-cooked food was amazing, there was nothing like a classic old burger to lift the mood. Even if that burger was greasy, cheap and tasted like cardboard. It was an old tradition of the boy’s, long before everything that happened with Harry. Louis thought it started while they were on the X Factor, really. They’d gone to Harry’s dad’s house to rehearse and bond, and Niall got hungry while the parents were out of the house. He made the suggestion to find a place to go eat, a suggestion which Liam and Zayn had backed up with enthusiasm. Louis and Harry, who still hadn’t told anyone they weren’t straight, much less dating, managed to put their personal feelings aside for them all to have a good night out. 

Thinking about it, this was one of Louis’ best memories. 

•••

They were all walking down the street, Louis and Harry lagging behind the group so they could hold hands without drawing attention to themselves. They shared clandestine glances, hidden smiles, secretly sneaking off behind everyone’s back to share sweet kisses and quick make out sessions. 

Louis was in a constant state of worry. He was terrified someone would find out about him and Harry, tell his family before he had the chance to himself. But he knew that he needed to figure out himself first. He had a boyfriend, he knew that for sure. He still didn’t know if he was gay, though. He’d had a girlfriend before, after all. So maybe he was bi, or something else. 

Harry seemed to have it figured out. He’d told Louis one night that he just decided not to label. He said it was what he was most comfortable with, instead of straight or gay. Louis wished he could be like Harry, have it all figured out. If he was completely honest, it was more confusing than anything else to not know. But Harry was the sweetest, telling him that he could take as long as he needed. Even if that was forever. Harry would support him either way. 

So now, as they trudged along the concrete street to a greasy fast food joint Liam looked up on the internet. “I think I see it!” Niall called, pointing. 

They walked into the place, which was mostly deserted. Liam took charge, ordering for all of them while the others sat down in a booth. Louis and Harry sat on one side, and the other three sat on the other side, squeezing a bit. The arrangement was unintentional, but both Louis and Harry were grateful for it. 

“So,” Liam said. “How are we feeling?”

Louis scoffed a bit. “Well, we don’t have a name and we’re not quite sure what the hell we’re doing, so that might be some indication.” He said scornfully. Harry tapped his leg, reminding him to be nicer and not let his tongue get in the way of making new friends. Louis sighed, trying to smile. “Sorry,” he said. “I’m just a little stressed.” 

“I think we all are.” Zayn said, placing his elbows on the table and resting his face in his hands. 

“Let’s talk about something else.” Niall said. “It’s probably better not to talk about music. Or the band.”

“We are a band, how do we not talk about the band?” Louis asked. 

“Does anybody have a girlfriend?” Liam asked suddenly, effectively shutting Louis up and making him glare daggers at Liam. 

“I do,” Niall said. “She’s pretty.”

“I bet,” Louis muttered, already bored. They talked a bit about Niall’s girlfriends and their individual love lives. It wasn’t until Harry spoke up that he started paying attention. 

“I have a boyfriend.” Harry said suddenly, sending a jolt of fear up Louis’s spine. 

“That’s great, Harry!” Liam cried, smiling. “What’s his name?”

Louis gulped, worried about his secret exposed. The boys seemed to be accepting, but he was still scared shitless. 

“Uh, I better not say.” Harry said, still smiling. “He’s not out yet.”

Louis sighed softly in relief. He could’ve kissed Harry. Not in front of the boys. “What’s he like?” Zayn asked, leaning in to hear Harry’s answer. Harry blushed, smiling brightly. 

“Well, we’ve only been dating a little while,” Harry started off, “but I can tell he’s serious. He’s the sweetest.” Louis smiled down at his lap, pursing his lips together to hide it. “I think I love him.”

Louis’ eyes widened. That was a first. “That’s beautiful.” Niall said. Harry smiled brightly, beaming, but not at Louis. 

Louis bit the inside of his cheek, trying to keep from screaming out. He wanted so badly to be strong like Harry, or be just as comfortable as he was with himself. And, even though he knew he might regret it, he couldn’t help himself from blurting out. 

“Actually,” he said, and all eyes turned on him. He swallowed nervously. “It’s me,” he said quickly. “I’m the boyfriend.”

Now it was Harry’s turn to stare in shock. Louis gulped, holding Harry’s hand over the table. “I love you too.” He whispered. Harry blushed, smiling down at their hands.

“Aww,” Niall cried. They both looked up at him, glaring at him for ruining the moment. “Is it weird that I kind of knew?” He asked them. “I mean, you always sneak off-”

Niall shut up suddenly, eyes widening. “Is that why Louis slept with Harry last night?” He asked. 

“No!” Harry cried. “No, not with my dad in the house. No, we haven’t done anything.” 

“Just over the shirt stuff,” Louis clarified, earning a swat on the shoulder from Harry. “What?” He asked. “You’re not supposed to say stuff like that.” Harry hissed. 

“Yeah, we don’t really need deatils of your sex life.” Zayn said. “Or anyone’s sex life, really. Let's just not talk about it.” 

Louis smirked suddenly, an idea hatching in his brain. “Does this count?” He asked them, grabbing Harry’s chin and pulling him in for a kiss. The display earned protests from the boys as the couple locked lips, but it was all in good fun. 

They broke apart after a couple seconds, and Louis back, putting his arms on the back of the seat. “Better get used to it, lads,” he said slyly, making Harry laugh.

•••

Louis smiled at the memory. Good times, those were. 

His phone buzzed, and he looked down at it, seeing another message from Harry. He opened it. 

'Hope you’re having fun. Love you xx'

“What’s got you smiling?” Zayn asked suddenly, going from talking dad stuff with Liam to looking over Louis’ shoulder within a heartbeat.

“Nothing!” Louis said quickly, but Zayn had already snatched his phone away from him, eyes widening.

“Holy shit!” He cried, jaw dropping. Niall and Liam rushed over to look at the phone screen. Louis grabbed it back, locking it and shoving it in his pocket. But it was too late. They’d already seen the message.

“Who’s that, Lou?” Liam asked, teasing Louis. “Meet any Scottish lads?”

Louis gulped. “Yeah,” he lied. “His name’s Beau.”

“Nice,” Niall said, clapping Louis on the back. “Cheers to you and Beau!”

The boys all raised their glasses, Louis included, as he slipped a finger beneath his collar, airing out his back. He couldn’t believe how incredibly nervous he’d suddenly become. Because now, he would have to keep up more than one lie.


	37. Thank God For Beau

“So tell me, what’s he like?” Liam asked, sitting on Louis’ couch. Louis sighed, slumping down in his chair by the window. “I’ve told you everything,” he said in protest, taking a sip of his hot tea. 

“You told me he’s nice and that he treats you well.” Liam said, leaning forward. “What’s he really like?

Louis sighed, trying to think of what to say. “He’s- he’s the sweetest,” Louis said, smiling a little. “He got really pretty eyes, they’re brown,” he said, lying about the color. “I stayed with him a few nights.”

“Really?” Liam mused. “Did you two get up to anything?”

Louis arched an eyebrow, winking as he took a sip of tea. Liam chuckled, taking a drink from his beer. “How’d you two meet?” He asked. 

“I went to the store, and he was at the register,” Louis said, surprising himself with his quick lies. “It kind of went from there.”

“What’s your favorite thing you’ve done together?” Liam asked. 

Louis thought. He could get away with telling the truth with this one, surely. “I set up a picnic as a surprise once,” he said. “Right before I had to leave. It was by the beach, and we watched the sunset?”

“Wasn’t it cold?” Liam asked. “It was fucking freezing,” Louis said. “We had a blanket.” 

“That sounds nice,” Liam sighed, rising from his chair and throwing the empty beer bottle away. “It was nice,” Louis said, “It was pretty romantic.”

“Do you love him?” Liam asked.

Louis nodded, beaming. Liam smiled at him. Little did he know Louis wasn’t describing Beau, but instead, Harry, who, as far as Liam knew, was dead, or else, nowhere to be found. 

“That’s lovely, Lou.” Liam said. “Well, I better head off. It’s late.” 

Louis smiled, waving as Liam opened the door, seeing himself out of the house. Louis sighed, looking around the room. The photos he’d put back up on the walls seemed to smile back at him, Harry’s cheery young face in every one. 

He grabbed his computer, opening it and pulling up a video call quickly. He let it sit in his lap, ringing twice before Harry’s face appeared on screen. 

“Hello!” Harry cried, brushing his curls out of his face. Louis smiled. “Hi!” He said, beaming at Harry. 

“I didn’t think you’d call tonight,” Harry was saying, angling the camera. “Guess who I have with me?”

Louis smiled, knowing that there were only two people viable for that situation. Well, now three, but Rowan didn’t really count. Beau and Calli smiled at him through the screen, their daughter in Beau’s arms. “Hey,” Louis said, laughing a little as Rowan stirred, reaching for her father’s face. He felt a twinge of jealousy, wanting to be alone with Harry for the one time a day they got to talk to each other. 

“What’s happening with you?” Harry asked, propping the camera up in front of them and sitting back. 

Louis laughed. “Well, something happened today,” he started, chuckling a bit. “I got caught.” 

Harry paled. “What?” He asked. “What happened?”

“Don’t worry,” Louis said, reassuring him. “They don’t know it’s you.” Harry sighed in relief. “The boys caught me texting you, so I lied, and I told them…” He trailed off, hesitating as his eyes turned to Beau, who’d become the unfortunate subject of his lives. 

“What?” Harry asked, curiosity making his green eyes sparkle with wonder. 

Louis pursed his lips, chuckling. “I told them Beau was my boyfriend.” He admitted. 

Dead silence. Then, Calli burst into laughter, her loud, hearty laughs sounding clearly over Harry’s questions and Beau’s embarrassment. “Wait, seriously?” Harry asked. “That’s the best thing ever.” 

“Speak for yourself,” Beau said, his cheeks tinged with pink. Louis laughed. “Don’t worry, Beau, it’s not like you’ll have to talk to them. As far as they know, you’re a twenty-something cashier living in the most remote island in Scotland.”

“Great, a backstory.” Beau joked. 

Harry shook his head. “Well, anyways, how’s the album?” Louis smiled. “It’s going great,” he said, leaning back. “We recorded a few songs today, that was nice.” He looked directly at Harry. “We did Night Changes.”

Harry smiled. Night Changes was his pride and joy, and Louis really hoped it would be the next single. It deserved it, and the fans would freak out when they saw Harry’s name in the credits. And quite honestly, Louis already had some ideas on how the video should be shot. Louis had suggested a date, and a drive through the night, and their label had taken it into consideration. 

And while he wasn’t necessarily full on fighting for the song to be released as a single, he did want it to. He wanted Harry to be able to see it in the form of a video, his art brought to life. 

Suddenly, he heard a noise at the door. His eyes shot up, staring directly at Liam, who stood in the doorway. “Hey, Liam,” he announced, watching Harry’s face drop in his peripheral vision. “Hey, Tommo,” He said. “I left my phone.”

He walked over to the chair he’d been sitting in. “What are you watching?” He asked coming over to look over Louis’ shoulder. Louis panicked, looking back down to his computer screen, hoping Harry had hung up, only to see Beau, sitting alone in the center of the camera. Calli, Rowan and Harry were nowhere to be seen. 

“Hi,” Beau said, waving nervously. 

Liam made a surprised noise, laughing. “I suppose you’re Beau!” He exclaimed, clapping Louis on the back. “I’ve heard about you.”

Beau nodded. “That’s nice,” He said. 

Louis turned to Liam, very flustered and at a loss for words. “Liam, I love you but please can you go?” He said, whispering in his ear. 

Liam nodded, backing away from Louis. “I’ll leave now,” He said to Beau, “give you two lovebirds some space.” Louis glared daggers at him until he left. 

Harry sighed in relief as he heard the door slam, appearing back on screen with Calli and the baby. “That’s a relief.” He said. “But we’re alone now.”

Louis scoffed. “Almost.” He said, glancing at the other couple and their child. Harry’s eyes widened in understanding, and he turned to Beau and Calli, giving them a look, one they understood immediately. Without another word, they got up and left, and Louis finally heard the door close. And the lovers were alone at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as a warning, this book has nine chapters left, including this one. i'm so glad that people have actually read this and have always left the nicest comments, but all good things come to an end. thanks for reading, and i hope you like what's in store. 
> 
> love, Lili


	38. An Unwanted Trip Down Memory Lane

Louis felt the soft makeup brush drag across his cheek, blending in the concealer covering the dark spots beneath his eyes. “Now, remember, don’t talk out of turn, talk about the newest single, and Louis,” Jackson said, pointing directly at him. “Keep the snark down to a minimum.” With that, he left. 

Louis rolled his eyes as he grabbed the mic pac being handed to his. He clipped it underneath his jacket, working the cord up through his sweater. “You ready?” He asked Zayn, sitting beside him. Zayn nodded, brushing his hair out of his eyes. 

It was already late April. Their video for Steal My Girl had been released, the audio for Night Changes had been teased, and Zayn and Gigi’s big baby news had been revealed. Undoubtedly, they were the center of attention, just like they had been for the past week. Management had been rather excited in particular about the piece of news. In fact, Louis had his suspicions that they were the ones who’d leaked the story to the media. After all, a new album was coming out for the first time in years and one of the members of the biggest boy band in the world was expecting his first baby. It was the prime opportunity for more publicity, keeping them in the media, more people abuzz about them, more money in the pockets of their label. 

Louis had been doing pretty well, as well as Harry. They’d managed to keep up the lies for almost a good three months. Beau was rather relieved he didn’t have to talk to any more of Louis and Harry’s friends, not wanting to lie on their behalf. He had a lot on his plate, a four month old daughter keeping him up late at night. Harry kept sending pictures of himself with Rowan, helping the baby stand up on her feet. She took a lot after her mother, but she wasn’t totally a replica of Calli, there were very clearly a few of her father’s features that she shared. 

Harry only had a few panic attacks in the past months, which was progress. Beau’s professional opinion was that Harry was still on the road to recovery. The traumas he’d dealt with would likely haunt him for the rest of his life. It was recommended that he stayed on his prescription as long as he kept regularly experiencing panic attacks. 

Louis kept reassuring Harry before he said goodbye every time they called late at night. He promised him he’d be ok. He’d even set out a time he could come visit Harry after their album release, which was scheduled for late summer. Everything was planned, but Louis still wanted to talk things through with Harry. He just wished he would answer his texts. 

“Louis, five minutes,” an assistant said. He looked up at him, nodding. He grabbed his phone, still seeing no new notifications. He sighed. He’d talk to Harry eventually, but now, he had an interview to get through. 

—-

The interview was normal up until about ten minutes in. It was in front of a live audience, for BBC, despite Louis’ protests, even after what happened last time. The two interviewers sat in front of them, a man and a woman, both dressed neatly and immaculately, perfect teeth flashing with each fake smile and laugh. 

Louis stayed quiet, as they turned the focus on someone else for once, instead of asking pointless questions about his family. They’d started off asking about the album, then paid more attention to Zayn, asking him about the baby and Gigi. 

“Well, we’re very happy for you and Gigi,” the lady said, smiling so bright and showing off her rows of perfect pearly whites. “Is there anything more to come for you two? Perhaps we’ll see an engagement in the headlines soon.” 

Zayn smiled nervously, shifting in his seat. “Uh, I think we’ll be taking it pretty slow.” He said, scratching his chin. “First, the baby.” He added, laughing. 

“Of course.” The man said, entering the conversation. “Now Liam, do you have any advice for him? Dad to dad?” 

Liam smiled a little. “We’ve talked,” he said, sharing a glance with Zayn. “He’s going to be a good dad, I can tell.”

“Now, Liam, your son just turned three, right?” The lady asked. Liam nodded, and she continued, “You must be over the moon.”

Liam laughed. “I mean, yeah,” he said. “Bear’s a sweet kid.” 

The lady smiled fakely, turning now to Louis and Niall, who sat at the farther end of the couch all the boys were seated on. “Now, it’s you two left. No pressure,” she joked, making the audience laugh. Louis raised an eyebrow to that, only slightly amused. 

“Now, your upcoming album is your fourth studio album, and quite ironically, now you’re down to four members,” the man said. The boys shared a confused look among one another. They couldn’t be sure, but any one of them could’ve sworn that even Harry’s name was blacklisted from interviews, let alone his disappearance. Only in certain interviews would they be allowed to talk about him, like the Late Late Show they did back in December. But that was different. James was a friend and supporter. Louis couldn’t tell you the name of the interviewers in front of him. 

“Uh, yeah,” Liam said, scratching his head. “Yeah, we obviously wouldn’t have wanted it to turn out like this.” 

“Yes, very sad,” the woman muttered in agreement, her long nails clicking across the desk she sat behind. “It’s even caused arguments among your fan base. They’re fighting over whether not the album should be released at all.”

The boys all reacted nervously. Louis but his lip, praying this would be over soon. “I mean, life goes on.” Zayn said. “We’ve been waiting a long time for this record, and we’re happy to finally be putting it out there.”

Lie. The songs had been written in a mere matter of months, and none of them were entirely sure if their actions were the right ones to take. 

“There are several rumors circulating social media,” the man continued, as if the boys didn’t already know. “Many people believe that your bandmate, Harry Styles, was struggling with some form of addiction just before his disappearance, due to his shy behavior at concerts and award shows.”

Louis wanted nothing more than to just glare daggers until this man burst into flames. If “shy behavior,” caused by depression, anxiety, burnout and the aftermath of being raped, was the sign of addiction, then fuck anyone who said that. 

Liam took charge. “Nope,” he said firmly, shaking his head. “No, we can confirm that wasn’t going on at the time.” He glanced over at Louis, taking in his body language and how Louis was reacting to the questions about Harry. 

“But surely there was something going behind the scenes,” the lady cried, not bothering to remove the smile she’d somehow plastered to her face. That was it. Leaning forward, covering his mic, Louis asked, “Can we move on from this?” The two interviewers shut up, moving on to more questions. 

Louis leaned back on the couch, feeling the fans’ eyes on him. He’d probably get shit from management later for this. He couldn’t care less. 

—-

Louis sat in the back of the car, the boys sitting in silence around him. There was enough distance between him and Niall to safely pull out his phone, texting Harry. 

Talk to me? Rough interview 

Five minutes went by without a response. He sighed, shutting off his phone and shoving it into his pocket. He stared out the window, focusing on his surroundings. Scrunching his nose in confusion, he frowned. “Hey, where are we headed?” He asked the driver, unsure of their whereabouts. 

“Your manager called, there’s an emergency and you four are required for a meeting.” The driver said blankly. 

Liam pulled a confused face. He shared a glance with Louis, who just shrugged in response. Maybe they would just get yelled at for how they handled the Harry questions earlier. 

They all entered the conference room quietly, taking their usual seats around the table. Jackson already sat there, at the head of the table, but this time, nothing was in front of him. No paperwork, no contracts. 

“Boys,” he said, his usually demeaning tone cutting underneath Louis’ skin like an icy blade. “Take a seat.” 

They all had, and they stared blankly at their manager in confusion. Jackson folded his hands in front of him, placing them out on top of the table. 

“This is going to be very hard to hear,” he said, his breath catching. Louis squinted in confusion. This was the first display of any emotion other than rage that he’d seen from his manager, and he instantly felt a bubble of doubt rise up in his gut. He knew that he should either be very suspicious or very afraid. 

“We received a call from the police.” Jackson said. “Harry is dead.”


	39. Liars

Louis’ blood ran cold. His fingers reached forward to grip the table; he needed something to hold on to. Niall instantly reached out to grab Louis’ arm, and Louis could feel all eyes in the room turning on him, looking right through him. 

Harry hadn’t returned his messages. Fuck. That kept running through Louis’ mind. Harry hadn’t returned his messages in two whole hours. 

His grip tightened on the wooden table. 

“His body was found in Southern Essex,” Jackson explained. Louis sighed, covering his face. Thank God. It wasn’t real. Harry wouldn’t have made it to Essex in less than a day. But then, a thought hit him. Why were they faking it? Why did they tell them he was dead? Was it a false report? “They said he was beaten up badly, he died from brain damage. His toxicology results showed that he was under intoxication.” Jackson added, his voice as cold as ice, his face as still as stone. 

Louis looked over at his bandmates, speechless. Niall was tearing up, shaking his head. Liam had his face buried in his hands, and Zayn looked like he wanted to break something. Louis swallowed hard. 

“We’ll be releasing a public statement about it in three days.” Jackson said, hands reaching up to rub his temples. “This is just to give you a heads up.”

“What’s going to happen to his body?” Liam croaked, a tear running down his cheek. 

“They’ll move it back to Cheshire.” Jackson said. “His mother and sister have yet to be informed about this, so why don’t you keep from telling them for a couple days?”

“Why would you tell us first?” Louis asked, no emotion to his voice. He had no lump in his throat, no sadness. It wasn’t real, they were making everything up. Jackson turned to look at him. “Quite frankly, you five were all like brothers,” he explained to Louis. “And I know you loved him. It would have been wrong to keep it from you.”

“It’s wrong to keep it from Anne and Gemma,” Louis said, his voice raising slightly. “Louis-” Niall said, but Louis wriggled his arm out of Niall’s grasp. 

Louis didn’t even know why he was arguing. He just needed to stop it, he needed to tell them-

And then it hit him. He couldn’t tell them. Not without revealing Harry’s secret. He had no real proof Harry was alive other than the fact he’d seen him right in front of his face. And finally, Louis finally understood what people talked about, being “in between a rock and a hard place.”

The rock was the lie management had convinced his bandmates of. What Louis was trying to stop, to push away. The hard place was Harry, Louis right in front of him, shielding him from everything bad and horrible. 

And the only way to get out was to step away from in front of Harry, exposing him to the very world he’d taken such drastic measures to escape from. Louis shook his head. No, he wouldn’t- no, he couldn’t- do that. 

“Louis, man,” Zayn was saying, tears in his brown eyes. Louis shut his eyes, trying to escape from this nightmare. “Please just calm down.”

Louis shook his head even more frantically. “Louis, I can see you need some space.” Jackson said. “Why don’t you all just head on out?” 

Louis stared at him blankly. Without another word, he just turned, storming out of the room. He could hear his bandmates running after him. 

“Louis, mate, calm down,” Niall said. 

“No,” he said softly, coming to a full stop. Niall cried out in frustration.

“Listen, I get it.” Niall said. “You loved him a lot, but now- it’s closure, ok?” He said, throwing his hands up in frustration. “We got an answer, and this was it. And you know,” he said, tears making his eyes red and puffy, “it fucking hurts to know what happened to him. And I hate that we weren’t there to look out for him. I hate myself so much for that. We should’ve been there, should’ve done something, but we didn’t. If anything, it’s our fault.”

“It’s not our fault,” Liam said. “Harry made his decisions.”

“And how do you know that, mate?” Niall exploded. “Maybe it wasn’t his decision, ok?”

“Calm down!” Zayn cried. He turned to Louis. He sighed, saying, “Are you ok?”

Louis scoffed. “Yeah, just great.” He laughed. 

Zayn’s face softened. “We’re clearly all dealing with this differently,” he said. “But take as much time as you need.”

Louis shook his head. “He’s not dead.” He muttered. Liam sighed. “Listen, Lou, I know it’s a shock.”

“No!” Louis cried. “He’s not dead!” They all stared at him. “How would you know?” Niall asked, his voice breaking. 

Louis breathed shakily. “Listen, I just know, ok?” Louis said. “It’s this feeling, I just know he’s not.” Niall scoffed. “Mate, all of us feel like he’s not, but you heard him in there,” He said. “Harry’s gone. For good. We just have to accept that.”

“Since when has Jackson ever not tried to screw us over?” Louis cried. “It’s probably for PR, or publicity-”

“Louis!” Zayn cried. “Listen, you need to let it go.”

Louis stood still, stunned. He knew he sounded crazy. But there was no way to actually prove Harry was alive. “I got to go,” Louis said, turning on his heel. “Gotta clear my head.” 

They let him walk out, watching him as he left. Louis exhaled shakily, clutching his phone in his hand as he dialed Harry. He begged for him to pick up. Standing in the back of the parking lot, he held the phone up to his ear, nervously listening to the phone ring, once twice, before he finally picked up. 

“Hello?” Harry asked, laughing a bit. Louis sighed in relief at hearing his voice. “It’s a little early for you to call, is everything alright?”

“No,” Louis said. “Nothing’s right, fuck, Haz.”

“What’s going on?” Harry asked, his tone suddenly serious. “You’re scaring me, Lou.”

Louis sighed. “Management is saying you’re dead.” He said flatly. He heard silence on the other line. “And it’s serious,” He continued, “they’re releasing a statement in a couple days.”

“Shit,” Harry muttered. “I don’t know… fuck… what are you going to do?”

Louis cried out in frustration, rubbing his temples. “I don’t know.” He said, his voice catching. “Harry… I think you should come down to London.”

“I can’t,” Harry said. 

“Please, hear me out.” Louis said. “They’re going to release a statement in three days. They’re going to tell your family, and the public, and after that, there’s not much chance of you coming back from the dead.” Harry stayed silent, listening to Louis. “You don’t even have to go out in public or rejoin the band. Just prove you’re alive and they can’t do anything otherwise.”

He licked his chapped lips. “Please, Harry.” He begged. “Please.”


	40. No More Secrets

Louis sat patiently on his couch, foot tapping against the floor. A day later, and he was practically shaking, waiting for the phone to ring. He’d been like this for hours, waiting for responses from anyone. The past twenty four hours felt like one huge bad dream, and he just wanted certain things to be over and done with. 

And he knew he’d put a lot of pressure on Harry. But it had to be done. 

He heard a noise at the door, a soft knock. He got up, walking as fast as he could from the couch to the door, opening it quickly. Harry stood outside, his face bowed, hidden from the view of the street. Louis sighed in relief, ushering Harry in instantly. “Thank God, Haz.” He said as soon as the door was closed, leaning forward to pepper his boyfriend’s face with kisses. Harry smiled, leaning up to kiss back. 

“I didn’t think I’d be seeing you so quickly,” Harry remarked dryly. Louis made a pained face, a twinge of guilt stabbing in his gut. “I’m sorry, love.” He apologized, smoothing over Harry’s wind blown curls. 

“No, it’s fine,” Harry said, biting his lip nervously. “I just don't know how I’m going to face them.” Louis sighed. “I could talk to them first.” He offered. “Maybe smooth things over before?”

Harry nodded. “Yeah, that could work.” He said, glancing around. “The place hasn’t changed much.”

“Were you expecting it to?” Louis laughed dryly, licking his dry and chapped lips. “Fuck, I’m nervous,” Harry cried. “I just…” He trailed off, looking around the room, particularly, a photograph of all five of them, right after they were formed. Harry was in his bright green shirt, practically swimming in his beanie, too large for his head to fit snugly. He looked so young, so angelic, free of all the horrors he would have yet to experience in his life. “Would I have thought if I knew I’d just end up here?” Harry asked, tracing over his own face in the photograph. 

Louis placed a hand on his shoulder. “You would’ve thought you were brave.” Louis said. “You should think that.”

Harry nodded. “Thank you.” He said. They heard the sound of a car pulling up. Louis glanced out the window, seeing Liam and Niall hop out of Zayn’s car. He’d asked specifically for them all to come up at the same time, he had to talk to them all at once. “Well, they’re here.” He told Harry, rubbing his shoulder. “Why don’t you go sit in the kitchen for a while?”

“Ok,” Harry said, taking a deep breath. “I can do that.”

Louis hugged him one last time before he pulled himself together walking towards the door as it opened up. He glanced behind him, and Harry had already disappeared into the kitchen. “Hey,” Liam said softly. “How are you?”

Louis nodded, pursing his lips. “I’ve been better,” He said, standing back to let them in. 

“You’re not drinking?” Zayn asked, concerned. Louis shook his head. He didn’t take offense to the question. After all, his track record for getting riled up and drunk over small disturbances was rather high, it would be unlike him to stay sober. “I haven’t had anything.” Louis clarified. 

“Do you need help?” Liam asked. “Is that why you wanted us?”

Louis shook his head again. “Actually, no.” He said. “We need to talk.” He clasped his hands together, sighing. “Yesterday, I said that I didn’t think Harry was dead.” They all stayed silently, listening closely. “I still know he isn’t.” 

Niall sighed in frustration. “Look, mate, I know you loved him, but there’s no denying facts,” He said. Louis arched an eyebrow. “Trust me, you might see why in a minute,” he said, trying to walk past Zayn, who didn’t budge. He stared at him in confusion. “Zayn, it’s my house,” he said. The other man sighed, letting him walk past. 

They stared at Louis as he turned into the kitchen, but followed him anyway. Louis immediately went to the table, where Harry had seated himself, his hands gripping the side of the table. He stood up at the sight of Louis, walking to his side, cowering slightly. Louis didn’t blame him. He couldn’t even believe how terrifying this must be for Harry. He’d already gone through it accidentally with Louis, but now he was intentionally going to explain everything from the start to his old friends. 

The boys entered the kitchen, stopping in their tracks. It was like they were seeing a ghost. And for all they knew, they were. 

“Louis.” Niall said after a minute of just goggling at each other. “What the fuck?”

Harry sighed, his hands shoved deep into his pockets. “Hey,” he said weakly, staring down at his feet. 

“Hey?” Zayn echoed, stepping forward, face paled. “Hey?” 

“I know-” Harry started, but he was soon cut off. 

“Five fucking years.” Zayn said, clearly understanding part of the situation. Louis didn’t know exactly what was going on in his friend’s mind, but he was seeing Harry in front of him, the same Harry that five minutes ago, he would’ve sworn was dead. “You suddenly show up and all you have to say is ‘hey?’” 

Harry shut his eyes, swallowing. Louis paid close attention to him, searching for the signs of a panic attack. “And you!” Zayn cried, turning on Louis. “How long have you known? Fucking convenient, innit?” He threw his hands up in frustration. “Would either of you explain yourselves?”

“I’d like to know as well,” Niall said, eyebrows furrowed together. “Why’s Jackson saying you’re dead when clearly, you’re fine.”

“He’s not-” Louis tried, but this time, Liam cut him off. 

“Did you fake an accident, Harry?” He asked in disbelief. “You, of all people, are the last person I ever thought would try and pull that shit. Clearly, I don’t know you at all,” he cried harshly. “And then you just stayed away for years. Why? Why did-”

“I had to!” Harry cried, louder than the rest, a tear falling from his eye. They all went quiet, watching him as he wiped his cheek. “You don’t understand.” He said quietly. 

“Then make us understand,” Niall said, “and then maybe-”

“For fuck’s sake Niall, hear him out.” Louis said. He felt a tap on his shoulder, a warning sign from Harry. Quiet down. He nodded, letting Harry speak his truth. 

Harry sighed breathily, voice shaking as he started, “Guys, I’m sorry. And I’ll always be sorry for making you hurt so much.” He sniffed. “I left, but it wasn’t my intention to hide away like that.” He looked up at his three friends. “I was trying to kill myself in the accident.”

They all shut up immediately, faces softening as they finally understood, a piece of the puzzle clicking in their minds. “I failed, obviously,” Harry said, gesturing. “I figured that if it looked like an accident, it would be less tragic, somehow. Easier to see ‘Harry Styles killed in car crash’ than ‘takes his own life.’” He took in a breath, chin trembling at this point. “I didn’t want to have to give a reason for why I wanted to die.”

“Why?” Zayn asked quietly, a tear gathering in the corner of his eye. 

“I wasn’t happy.” Harry said. “I didn’t feel like myself anymore, I just felt like I was faking it, everyday of my life. When we went to do concerts, I always had to pretend for the fans, and for you all.” His voice caught as he moved on to the next reason. “And- and I was- well,” He stammered. Louis reached out a hand, comforting him. Harry shared a glance with Louis, nodding and taking a deep breath. “I was raped.”

It was so quiet, you could have heard a pin drop. Zayn’s expression went from sympathy to a mix of both rage and concern in only a matter of seconds. “Who?” He asked. 

Harry shook his head. “I don’t know.” He said. “It was dark, and he pulled me into a back room- I’m sure you can piece it out for yourself.”

Zayn exhaled shakily, stepping forward to face Harry heads on. Without a word, he pulled Harry into an embrace. “I’m so sorry,” He whispered, squeezing his eyes shut and letting the tears fall. Niall and Liam made their way over as well, joining in. 

Louis watched as Harry became overcome with emotion. He was shaking as he cried against Zayn’s shoulder, quiet sobs heard over the reassurances coming from their friends. They stayed like that a few minutes, and Louis let them. It was kind of a relief, finally free of the secrets. Well, partially. They had yet to tell a whole bunch of people. But for now, all that mattered was the reunion in front of him. 

“That shouldn’t have happened to you,” Niall said, crying. Harry laughed dryly. “Well, it did.” He said, breaking apart from the hug. He reached up to wipe his nose. “And I’ve dealt with a lot of shit since, but I’m getting better. Louis’ been a big help.”

All eyes turned back into Louis. “Wait, what about Beau?” Niall asked. 

Louis rolled his eyes. “We weren’t dating.” Seeing Liam’s very confused face, he clarified his statement, adding, “He’s a friend of Harry’s, I lied so you wouldn’t find out.”

“So it was Harry you were texting?” Liam asked. Louis nodded, wrapping a arm around Harry. “I couldn’t be happier,” he said, making Harry smile in the midst of his tears. 

“No wonder you’ve had so many songs lately,” Zayn mused. The couple shared a glance, laughing suddenly. Their friends stared at them blankly, and Louis only shook his head in response. “I didn’t write all of them,” he said, chuckling. “Harry’s the real genius.”

“You wrote a few,” Harry said, blushing. 

“That explains it!” Niall cried. “There were just so many, I didn’t see how you went from zero to seven songs in like, a month.”

Louis nodded, pursing his lips. “I actually did write a couple, before I found Harry,” he said, scratching his upper lip. 

“Why didn’t you show us?” Zayn asked. 

Louis shrugged, one of his own personal secrets bubbling up in his throat. “I heard you guys talking before a show once,” he said. “You were saying you were sugarcoating it for me, and that I was distant.”

Again, silence. Liam stepped forward, facing Louis. “Listen, Lou,” he said, looking into Louis’ eyes. We’re so, so sorry. I mean, clearly, we were wrong. We shouldn’t have done that.” He shifted nervously. “Can you forgive us?”

Louis arched an eyebrow, before a smile burst out on his face. “I already did a long time ago, mate.” He grinned. Liam smiled back at him, leaning forward and catching him in a hug.

“Congratulations on the baby, by the way,” Harry said, making Zayn crack a grin, shaking his head. “I’m sure you and Gigi are very happy.”

“Thanks,” Zayn said. “So, you were in Scotland? I’m assuming, because Louis went there ‘on vacation.’” He used air quotes to emphasize his last two words. Louis rolled his eyes. Harry nodded. His hands were still deep in his pockets, but Louis could tell by his body language that he was already more comfortable in the conversation, shoulders relaxed and standing upright. 

“Yeah, I found a house there, far away from management.” Harry laughed. 

Louis’ face fell. “Shit, management.” He cried, reaching for Harry’s wrist. “We have to tell them before they call Anne.”

Harry nodded frantically. Zayn dug in his pocket for his keys. “Let’s take mine, we’ll get there faster.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> five chapters left! 😬


	41. In The Flesh

Jackson glanced up as the boys filed into his office. He crossed his arms, leaning back in his chair. “I’d assume this is about the article.” He said, pushing his glasses higher up on the bridge of his nose. “Is there anything you’d like to say about it? Anything you’d like to be said?”

Louis glared at him. “No, more like something we want you to explain,” He said coldly, moving to the side to reveal Harry. Jackson’s face fell. 

“Still want to print that article?” Harry asked, shrugging. 

Jackson remained silent, staring blankly up at the boys. “Harry…” He said, trailing off, clearly surprised at the sight. This would be the first time he’d ever met Harry in person. Jackson was hired by their management to help with controlling the effect Harry’s disappearance had on the band. He was the one who made the calls, ran the stories, and released the statements. He’d been working on different projects before then, but for five years consistently, he’d made Louis’s life a living hell. He was horrible to the others too, but he always seemed to have it out for Louis in particular. It started with the microaggressions, then Jackson would fully blame Louis for the smallest inconveniences, even when he wasn’t related to the incidents in any way. Louis was forever grateful the boys hid his suicide attempt from Jackson while he was unconcious in the hospital. He couldn’t have imagined what his reaction would’ve been. 

And now, for the first time Louis could ever remember, Jackson was truly speechless. 

“You’re…” he trailed off, pointing directly at Harry. “Here.” Harry finished for him. “In the flesh.”

Jackson paled, looking around, pointing accusingly at all of them. “What the hell is going on?”

Louis sighed. “You might want to take a seat, lad.” He said, his own personal revenge. Jackson stares at him, still not saying anything, not even “boys.” 

“Now,” Louis said, resting his hands in the desk, glaring at his manager. “Is there a reason you tried to fake my boyfriend’s death?” 

“What? I- we didn’t-“ Jackson started. 

“Bullshit.” Louis spat. 

“You can’t talk to me like that.” Jackson said, looking like he was just about to rise from his seat. “I can, and I will.” Louis said. “Now, if Harry was really dead, I would’ve been called, or Anne, not you. He hasn’t updated his emergency contacts in five years,” Louis explained, a smirk to his face. “Besides the fact that him and I have been talking for the past four months.”

Jackson’s jaw dropped. “What?” He asked, astonished, pointing at Harry. “You knew he’s been alive for months and didn’t tell us?”

Louis shrugged. “Sure.” He said. “You’re not the kind of people I’d want to talk to normally, I’m not going to tell you that.” 

Jackson swallowed hard. He glared daggers at Harry. “This is a breach of contract.” He said coldly. “Do you have any idea what we could do to you?”

Harry threw his hands up in frustration. “Do whatever you want,” he said. “Fire me. Ruin me. It doesn’t matter, I’m not coming back.”

As if Jackson wasn’t already pale enough, after that truth bomb, he looked almost like a vampire. Louis glanced over at Harry. They hadn’t discussed this yet. He guessed there was always a part of him that wanted Harry to rejoin the band, write songs with them, perform with them. Clearly, Harry had already made up his mind, but it didn’t matter. Louis would support his decision nonetheless. 

He reached out, grabbing Harry’s hand and squeezing it tight.

“You have to,” Jackson said. “You’re still signed under us.”

“I didn’t renew my contract.” Harry reminded him. “I’m not signed to anyone. You don’t have control anymore.”

Louis smiled, proud of how Harry was handling this. He couldn’t imagine how terrified he must be. His bubble of life, separated from this world for years, was suddenly burst, and all his fears suddenly came rushing towards him, targeting them. At least he didn’t have to face them alone this time. 

“Whatever you do, don’t release that article.” Harry said. “Or else, I will talk to anyone who will listen about everything this shit label put me through. What you’ve done to me and Louis,” he squeezed his hand, “and Zayn, and Liam, and Niall. You don’t get to control our lives anymore. You’ve had the best ten years of our lives, now we’ll be taking that back.” He threatened, chin trembling with the force of his words. He barely spoke over a whisper, but he was clearly heard throughout the room. Louis swallowed nervously. 

Harry glanced around the room, breathing heavily. “Let’s go,” he said, suddenly turning. Louis followed right after him, wrapping his arms around him as soon as they were out of sight, shielding him from anybody who stopped to stare, undoubtedly judging the sobbing boy and his lover. 

The other boys crowded around them, watching in silence. “You did so well,” Louis whispered, pressing soft kisses to Harry’s forehead. “You were so brave in there. I’m so proud of you.”

Harry shook his head. “Why doesn’t it feel over?” He asked. “It just keeps hurting.” 

Louis felt his heart break. He knew that the damage done wasn’t able to be taken back. If it could, Louis would’ve found out how a long time ago. But it couldn’t. And that was just the sad truth. 

But, they’d try. Louis would help Harry heal, and maybe try to reflect on himself as well. Honestly, all of the boys had it rough, and could use a break. 

And then it clicked. Harry disappeared because he needed a break, but nobody paid enough attention or time to realize exactly how broken he was. Louis left for Scotland in the first place because he needed a break. 

How much longer would it take for the rest of them to fall into the same cycle? Being burned out was a constant feeling for the band, and two of them had actually attempted suicide, rather than living on in their own personal hell. 

But looking back, there was so much to live for. Family, friends. Lovers, children. Goals, dreams, every promise you’d make. Everything to look forward to would outweigh what you would have left behind. Every heartbeat meant something, a purpose for life. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. 

Harry stepped back, wiping his eyes. Louis looked at him carefully. 

“Baby,” he sighed, smoothing over her curls at the back of Harry’s head. “Are you ok? Is there anything you want?”

Harry nodded, swallowing hard. “I want my mum.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s the final countdown... four chapters left! 😬


	42. Back Home

Harry and Louis sat together, watching the brick house intently. Nobody walked in or out, but it was evident that Anne was inside, by the glimpses they caught of her walking by the window, cleaning and watering the plants in the windowsill. The same flowers had sat there for years, probably a gift from some distant relative, but Anne worked tirelessly to keep them alive. Maybe they were some metaphor, keeping a life sacred and preserved. Or maybe they were nothing more than a hobby, a distraction from the pain. 

Harry shifted in the passenger seat, sighing. They’d gone straight from Jackson’s office to Louis’ car, making the long drive to Holmes Chapel in the span of one afternoon. The sunny glow of the evening was settling in, making the blu sky above pop brightly, the first thing to catch the eye. Dusty pink clouds blurred the horizon line, and the whole neighborhood appeared as if it was brushed over with gold, sparkling and distracting from everything wrong. 

It was peaceful. 

Louis glanced over at the clock. They’d been sitting like this for almost twelve minutes, lying in wait ever since they’d arrived. Harry had barely said two words, while Louis kept trying to make small talk, bringing up past memories, like when they’d come over to visit, parking in the exact same place. 

He understood why Harry was so unresponsive. When they’d reunited, it took them about ten minutes to even gather the courage to find all the words they needed to say, let alone speak them. This could take a while, and it was a life altering decision to make on Harry’s part. This was his mother. People are afraid to upset their parents, the people who brought them into life. They’re afraid of disappointing them, angering them, and letting them down. For all Harry knew, Anne’s reaction could be a combination of all three. 

Louis tried to think optimistically. Anne loved Harry. He knew how often she thought of him, and how she’d often prayed for his safety, hoping that one day, she’d see him again. There were days Louis didn’t always know if Harry was still out there, but Anne never faltered. She knew they’d talk again. They had to. She always said she would sit him down with a cup of tea. No explanations would be needed, just his presence would have been enough joy in the room for her. 

“Are you ready?” Louis asked, his hand reaching over to touch Harry’s, their fingers intertwining. Harry pursed his lips, sucking his bottom lip in and biting it softly. “I’m not sure.” He said. “I’m not sure I’ll ever be.”

Louis’ gaze softened. “It’s ok,” he reassured Harry. “Just take your time, it’ll all be alright.”

Harry shook his head. “I know I need to see her,” he said. “I want to. But I'm terrified.”

“Of what?” Louis asked, his thumb tracing over Harry’s knuckles. “I don’t know,” Harry admitted. “I guess I just don’t know how she’ll react. I’m scared she’ll hate me.”

“She’s your mum. She won’t hate you.”

“But what if she’s mad?” Harry asked, his voice barely a whisper. 

Louis squeezed his hand. “Then she’ll be mad,” he said. “She’ll get over it. I was mad, right?” He asked, smiling slightly. “I think I was. For a while. But now, look at us,” He said, turning to Harry. “I’ve never been more in love with you.”

Harry smiled, green eyes connecting with blue. “I love you too.” He said, squeezing Louis’ hand. He sighed, looking back at the house. They were already losing daylight as the sun dipped closer and closer to the horizon line, disappearing beneath the ground. “You know,” he said, glancing over at Louis. “The last thing she said to me was, ‘I can’t wait to see you at Christmas.’” He made a scoffing noise, clicking his tongue. “I didn’t know what to say to that. That was the day it all happened, I just didn’t know what to do, or if I should say goodbye. I thought about not going through with it.” He told Louis, who was rather surprised at the news. 

“Really?” He asked. Harry nodded. 

“I was thinking about what everyone would think. I was wondering if you would cry. I knew she would,” He said. “But I didn’t know about you. I was hoping you’d be able to forget all about me.”

“I hope you don’t think that now.” Louis said. 

“I don’t,” Harry reassured him. “That’s good,” Louis remarked, squeezing Harry’s hand. “Because you, my dear, are unforgettable.”

Harry blushed a little at the compliment, but went on with the story. “So I told her I loved her.” He said, throwing his hands up in frustration. “She said it back. I didn’t believe her at the time. Had I believed her, I don’t think I would’ve left at all.” He sighed. “But I did. I was stupid, and I let this dictate how my life would turn out.”

Louis sighed. “You’ve turned out well.” He said. Harry turned to face him, green eyes questioning his statement. “You’re so respectful.” He said quietly, Harry watching him intently. “You’re kind to everyone you meet, and you have the biggest heart in the whole world. You are sweet, good, and true,” Louis smiled at him, squeezing his hand. “She is going to be so proud of you. I can tell.”

Harry nodded, blinking to dash away the tears that had gathered there. “Ok,” he said. “I’m ready.”

Louis smiled. “Alright.” He said. “Let’s do this.”

Together, they walked out of the car, hand in hand, rushing across the street before another car came by. Harry smiled one last time at Louis as they walked up to the door. He stood behind Louis, watching as his boyfriend knocked on the painted blue door. 

Anne opened it, her face flushed. She broke out into a smile upon seeing Louis. 

“Louis!” She cried, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “What a surprise. Why didn’t you call me?” She turned, and suddenly went quiet as her face paled, looking all of it’s rosy color. 

Her gaze remained transfixed on Harry, eyes not moving off of him. He smiled at her sadly, his lips formed into a thing line, teardrops gathering in the corners of his eyes. Suddenly, she rushed forward, catching him in her arms, checking his shoulders, his head, his face, making sure it was truly him in front of her. 

“Hey, Mum,” he sniffed, smiling. She broke out into teary laughter, burying her face in his coat. Louis heard her crying as Harry wrapped his arms around her, soothing her. 

She stepped back, wiping her eyes. “You’re back,” she smiled. He grinned. “Yeah,” he said softly. She sniffed. “I knew you would.”

She turned to Louis, mouthing a ‘thank you.’

“Come inside,” she said, grabbing Harry’s wrist. “I’ll make a pot of tea.”


	43. Calling Calli

They stayed the weekend with Anne. True to her promise, she ushered both of them inside, promptly putting the kettle on and making tea for all three of them. Then, she asked for the full story. 

Many tears were shed by all three of them. Anne hugged her son very tightly afterwards, holding him close, almost as if she let go, she’d wake up, and it wouldn't be anything more than a fever dream. 

The weekend had to come to an end, but they left with a promise to return as soon as they could. Harry made sure he promised this time. They exchanged numbers again, and Anne constantly checked up on them, making sure Harry was ok, and safe, asking if there was anything she could do to help, and if they needed her to come down and stay with them for a while. 

The reason for their sudden return to London had everything to do with management. They were called in for a meeting- all five of them. Louis supposed it would be negotiations about what the future of the band would look like, and more importantly, how Harry would be affected. 

They sat patiently outside the conference room. The other boys sat across the hall from them. Niall kept muttering to himself, tapping his foot on the tiled linoleum flooring. Harry kept trying to breath in and out. He was running low on his prescription, Louis knew, and he hoped that this meeting wouldn’t take its toll on Harry like so many others had. 

“Hey,” he reassured Harry, rubbing his back in soothing circles. “Everything will be alright.”

Harry nodded. An assistant came out of the door, his glasses askew. “You all may come in and be seated now.” He said. Harry and Louis glanced at each other, and then got up, hand in hand, walking into the room, soon followed by the other boys. 

Jackson sat at the head of the table, per usual, glancing up at the boys in an expression best described as a glare. Several folders of paperwork were pulled out in front of him, and Louis felt his heart sink. This would be a long day. 

“Take a seat,” he instructed, pointing around the table. Harry sat down first, and Louis sat in the chair directly beside him, Zayn taking the other side. They were the first two Harry would go to during a panic attack, so they sat on both sides of him, shielding him. 

“Now, you were called in here today to discuss the contract of Harry Styles and what it means for the future of One Direction,” another one of their managers, Harry Magee, announced. “Mr. Styles’ contract ended in 2015, and he argues that Modest! has no longer has any attachment to him or his public image.” He set down the paper that he was reading from. “However, the contract for One Direction was renewed that same year, with Harry’s information still under it.”

“He didn’t sign it,” Liam protested. “It can’t be legal if he doesn’t sign it.”

Magee glared at him, arching a brow. “Moving on,” he said coldly. “Modest! has the power to decide whether or not Harry returns to the band and performs per usual. We’ll write up a story, and it will go back to the way it was.”

Harry swallowed. His fingers tapped against the desk as he said, “I don’t want to.”

All eyes turned on him. “What do you mean?” Jackson asked him. 

“I don’t want to,” Harry repeated, his voice shaking. “It was horrible before. I’m not going back to that.”

“Well, you don’t have the power to decide that,” Magee stated. “We will print an article next week announcing your return, and you can respond to it for a quote. Your fans need closure,” he explained.

“The album will be released in a few months, as planned, and your tour will go on.” Jackson explained. “We’ll re record your songs with Harry singing his parts, and everything will be fixed. He can tour with you.”

“What about a therapist?” Louis asked. They stared at him. 

“I beg your pardon?” Magee asked. 

“A therapist,” Louis echoed, “he needs to see one. He has for the past five years. Are you going to provide one for him on tour?”

Jackson sighed. “We can’t cater to everyone’s individual needs,” he said. 

“That’s your job!” Louis exclaimed. “That’s your fucking job! And what about his prescription?” Blank stares. “You’re not preparing for this! You haven’t even thought once about him, have you? Just yourselves and your wallets.” Louis scoffed. 

“That’s untrue.” Jackson said coldly. 

“So, tell us your plans, huh?” Louis said. “What if Harry has a panic attack onstage? What are your plans for that?”

There was silence in the room. Harry mouthed a silent ‘thank you’ to Louis, who squeezed his hand in response. 

“You don’t know what you’re doing and you don’t care about our well being. You only care when we’re on the front page.” Niall said accusingly. “I don’t want to be a part of this anymore.”

Louis glanced over at Niall in surprise. Did he just quit?

“Me too,” Zayn said. “You don’t give a fuck about us.”

“Can’t have a band without members,” Liam shrugged. Louis smirked, turning again to their managers. “We’ll do whatever it takes,” he threatened, “but we’re not releasing anything under your management anymore.”

“You can’t do that.” Magee said. “Your contracts-”

“There are ways to get out of them.” Zayn said. “Legally.”

“So you’re splitting from us?” Jackson asked incredulously. “You won’t win this one.”

“No, actually,” Louis said, “I think we will.”

\---

They argued for hours. Eventually, they reached an agreement: they’d release the article, but leave out the part where Harry would rejoin the band. The album would be “postponed” for a while, which could be forever, as far as Louis knew. All they’d say was that Harry had his own personal issues, due to a combination of stress and poor mental health that caused him to take a necessary break from the band. Nothing more would be elaborated. As for the legal issues, they would schedule a hearing the next week. Plenty of time to hire lawyers, do their research and ask for advice. 

As soon as they stepped out of the conference room, Harry pulled out his phone. “What are you doing?” Louis asked, his curiosity piqued. Harry shushed him, a big smile on his face as the phone in his hand rang. 

The call was picked up. “Hello?” Calli asked. 

“Hi,” Harry said, smiling at Louis. “Remember when you said to call you if we ever needed legal advice?”

Louis could practically hear the grin in Calli’s voice as she said, “Tell me everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only two chapters left!!!!


	44. Everything's Led To This

warning: smut ;)

•••

The night before the hearing, all five of the boys were incredibly nervous. Zayn was with Gigi, terrified out of his wits. Louis didn’t blame him. If they lost the case, they would lose everything, and Zayn was expecting a baby in only a matter of months. Gigi did get paid a lot for her modeling, but it would be a while before she was back to doing shoots. Liam was also a dad, he had his son to care for. Niall was scared shitless, as well as Harry. 

The article about him had been released that afternoon, but Harry hadn’t had a chance to read it, between phone calls with the lawyers and Calli. He just didn’t have the time. 

Louis walked in on him in their bed, his computer in Harry’s lap. The glow illuminated his face as he stared intently at the screen, reading from the article. Louis sighed. Harry glanced up once he heard the noise.

“Hey,” he said. Louis walked over, wrapping his arms around Harry and closing the lid of the computer. Harry protested, wanting to read on. “No,” Louis said, “don’t read that bullshit.”

“But I want to know what they’re saying,” Harry said. “I need to.”

“People talk shit, Haz, they’re paid to,” Louis said. “But if it helps, I went on Twitter. People are happy you’re back. You’re number one on trending,” he added, nuzzling his nose into Harry’s neck. “They missed you. I missed you.”

Harry nodded, staying quiet. “Do you think we’ll win?”

“I don’t know, love.” Louis sighed, sitting back in bed. “I don’t know.”

“I’m scared we won’t.” Harry admitted softly. “I just want to be free to be us, you know? I don’t want to hide anymore.” He reached over to touch Louis’ hand. “Wouldn’t that be nice?” He asked. “The world could know. We could do whatever we wanted. We wouldn’t have to give a fuck.” 

“That’d be nice,” Louis said, his nimble fingers smoothing over Harry’s curls. “I kind of like that idea. It’d be nice to get to kiss you in front of everyone,” He said, leaning down, placing a soft kiss on Harry’s lips, “just like that.”

Harry smiled, blushing. He pursed his lips, biting his bottom lip gently in a way that drove Louis crazy. His fingers traced up Louis’ arm seductively, goosebumps rising all along Louis’ body. He sighed gently, leaning back down to kiss Harry, making the kiss longer. His tongue ran along Harry’s upper lip, and Harry’s lips parted, granting him access inside. 

Harry paused, breaking away for a minute. “What’s wrong?” Louis asked. “Going too fast?”

Harry shook his head, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. He glanced down, and so did Louis, and- oh. He was hard. 

“Sorry,” Harry said, “I know it was just a kiss, I just-”

“Don’t worry,” Louis said. “Let me take care of you.”

Harry smiled, glancing down in excitement. Louis kissed him again, slow and softly, with meaning. He pulled back when he had an idea. “Do you still like rimming?” He asked. Harry nodded eagerly. Louis smirked, batting his eyes in what he hoped was a sexy, seductive way. 

Harry pulled his shirt off, before laying back as Louis’ hands roamed down to his hips, hooking his hands under the denim jeans. He smiled to himself as he remembered when they used to do this clad in skinny jeans. They were sexy as hell, clinging to every inch of Harry’s plump arse, but a bitch to get off. 

He pulled the jeans down in one movement, the boxers along with it. He saw Harry watching him, propped up on his elbows, so he pulled his own shirt up over his head, his jeans following, dropping to the floor. He laid back over Harry, his head sinking between his spread legs. Tentatively, he reached out to stroke Harry’s cock, pumping a steady rhythm up and down. 

“Fuck, Lou,” Harry whined, throwing his head back, reeling in the pleasure. “You’re such a tease.”

Louis laughed a little, nuzzling his nose in between Harry’s cheeks and licking a flat stripe across Harry’s hole. It was safe to say the conversation had effectively ended. Harry gasped at the sensation, his toes curling. Louis circled the rim with his tongue, wetting Harry’s hole with saliva before he pushed in with his tongue, dipping into his hole. Harry cried aloud, grabbing at the sheets with his fists. 

Louis lapped at his hole, swiping at the rim with his tongue. Pumping in and out, Harry slowly turned into a whimpering mess above him, moaning at each lick. “Lou- fuck!” He cried, shaking. “I’m gonna cum.”

Louis sat back up, and Harry whined as the sensation was suddenly interrupted. Louis turned his focus on Harry’s cock, pumping up and down with his hand, taking the tip into his mouth. His tongue swirled around the head, and Harry moaned again, his hips bucking up, forcing his cock deeper into Louis’ throat. 

Louis’ fingers replaced his tongue, teasing Harry’s rim and he pushed inside, wriggling his index finger around. Harry cried out, bucking his hips up as he came into Louis’ mouth. Louis was surprised at the sudden sensation, but swallowed around Harry’s cock, making Harry shudder at the waves of pleasure as he came down from the high of his orgasm. 

“God,” he cried as Louis lay down beside him, grinning. “I could do that forever.”

“So could I,” Louis smiled, brushing a damp curl off of Harry’s sweaty brow. “I love you, you know?” He asked. “No matter what happens tomorrow.” 

“I love you too.” Harry said. “So much. I’ll never stop.”

“Me neither,” Louis said, lying against the pillows, Harry followed suit, resting his head on Louis’ chest. “So, do you think we’ll win?” Harry asked again, knowing the answer. 

“I know we will,” Louis whispered, “We have to.”

“It’s weird, you know?” Harry asked. “Like everything’s led to this. Even before I left.”

“I know.” Louis murmured beneath his breath.

They said nothing more, just lying in each other’s arms. Louis kissed the top of Harry’s head softly, running his fingers through his messy hair. 

As they fell asleep, he only felt peaceful, full of hope. He knew that the next day would affect them for the rest of their lives. Yet somehow, he felt alright about it. Like something would finally go well for them. 

It was only a matter of time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys, this has been amazing. i'm so happy that so many people have read this and loved it. i can't wait for you all to see the next chapter. thank you so much. i love you all. 
> 
> love, Lili


	45. Found

**April 2020**

_ Harry Styles Makes Miraculous Return _

_The blessed day has arrived, it’s official. After going missing for over five years, Harry Styles, one of the lead singers of the British-Irish boy band One Direction, made his first public appearance. While his mysterious disappearance caused speculation of death and possible drug addiction, a representative for Mr. Styles stated that his time away from the public was due to personal struggles, such as PTSD._

_The band is overjoyed to have him return, according to a close source. They were on the verge of releasing their fourth studio album, but the album's release date has been pushed back to the circumstance. We can barely contain our joy at Harry’s return, and we wish him and One Direction the best as they readjust to their usual work._

_ One Direction Takes Legal Action Against Label  _

_ Harry Styles’ First Interview In Years: His Struggle With Mental Health  _

**Lili** @bluehairedbaby2

I can’t believe Harry’s back. Is this a real life? Like, is this really happening? What happened?

**June 2020**

One Direction’s Court Case Continues As They Fight To Split From Modest! Management

 **nina** @larryisforevah

finally they’re splitting from modest about damn time

_ Harry Styles Opens Up About Near-Fatal Car Accident  _

_ Niall Horan and Zayn Malik Walk Into Court  _

**December 2020**

_Reunited: Harry Styles Shares Rare Photo Of Family Celebrating Christmas_

**nicole** @rockmeoveragain

don’t say I’m clowning, but it looks like Louis is in the left corner of the photo Harry posted

_ Louis Tomlinson Shares Selfie Of Him And Harry Styles At Birthday Party  _

**February 2021**

_One Direction Wins Court Case Against Modest! Management_

_One Direction Signs To RCA Records_

_Harry Styles Turns 27! Inside Look At His Birthday Celebration_

**UNAGI** @ihavestolenthyshoe

WE. WON.

**March 2021**

_Harry Styles And Louis Tomlinson Come Out Together In Video On One Direction’s YouTube Channel_

_Louis Tomlinson And Harry Styles Reveal They Have Been In A Committed Relationship For Eleven Years_

_“Larry Stylinson” : The Conspiracy Theory Proven True_

**LARRY IS REAL** @currentlydying

we told you!!! this is the best day ever

 **LARRY** @theydontknowaboutlarry

FUCK IM DYING I LOGGED OFF FOR TWO HOURS

**May 2021**

_Harry Styles To Detail Forced Closeting, Beards, Sexual Assault And Suicide Attempt In Autobiography_

_Harry Styles Comes Forward As A Survivor Of Sexual Assault_

**Elle** @daisyflower

wow. I have so much respect for Harry, knowing what he’s gone through. no one deserves that

**July 2021**

_One Direction Reveal Plans For Their Upcoming Album, FOUR_

_Watch Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan, Zayn Malik and Liam Payne Jump And Dance Around In Music Video For Steal My Girl_

**One Direction** @onedirection

Thank you to all of our loyal fans over the years. Eleven years together and still going strong. You’ve stuck by us during the ups and the downs, and hopefully for even longer after this. All the love, Harry, Louis, Niall, Liam, and Zayn.

**October 2021**

_Album Review: One Direction’s FOUR_

_A Look At The Timeline Of Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles’ Relationship_

_“Larry Stylinson” : Are Wedding Bells Ringing?_

_After Seven Year Wait, One Direction Drops Fourth Album_

_The boy band released their fourth album, appropriately titled ‘FOUR,’ yesterday. Most of the tracks were penned by the boys themselves, especially Louis Tomlinson and Liam Payne. However, as revealed by Harry Styles and Louis, several of the songs they wrote were intended with each other in mind! Aww, aren’t they adorable?_

_“Speakin g of the pair, things look like they’ve been heating up lately! Is it possible that wedding bells could be in the air for this beloved celebrity couple?”_ Harry laughed as he read the article aloud. Louis rolled his eyes. Secretly, he was petrified. The article only threw him off, taking him completely by surprise when Harry chose to read it. It didn’t help that the velvet box burning a hole in his pocket was right there, within an arm's length while Harry sat there, laughing about their supposed engagement.

He stood by the counter, a bottle of soda in his hand. Harry sat beside him on top of the counter. They were at their own party, held by Zayn, who regretted his choice immensely after realizing he had to care for both his daughter and his guests. Gigi was helping out in whatever ways she could, but it was mostly just going around, smiling and making conversation like a good host.

Zayn approached them, eyes weary and face haggard. He wandered into his kitchen haphazardly, stumbling over the entrance. Louis arched an eyebrow. “You good?” He asked, taking a swig of his soda. Zayn wiped his eyes. “Kind of,” he sighed, opening the fridge. He grabbed a soda, something highly caffeinated, undoubtedly full of sugar. “Not sure yet.”

Harry smirked at him. “How’s Anadia?” He asked.

Zayn smiled at the mention of his small daughter. “She’s ok,” He said. “It’s not as noisy upstairs as it is down here.”

“That’s good,” Louis said. “How’s Gigi?”

“Tired.” Zayn sighed. “It’s hard, Ana’s teething.” He turned to the couple, one sitting on his counter and the other leaning on it. He took a swig of soda. “So, what about you two? Babies anytime soon?”

Louis smiled. “We got the house inspected last week, and they sent back the results from that, and everything looks good, so we’ll try filing the paperwork sometime in the next couple of days,” He smiled at Harry, who was looking at him in a knowing way.

“Good luck,” Zayn said. “Parenting isn't all fun and games. I speak from experience.”

Harry looked at him sympathetically, clapping him on the back. “Well, I’m going to try and find Beau and Calli, they should be here right about…” He glanced at the clock. “Now.” He got off the counter, stumbling a little as his feet hit the floor. Louis instinctively reached forward to protect him, but Harry shrugged it off, laughing as he left the room. Louis smiled. “I don’t know what you’re talking about man, Ana’s an angel.” He said to Zayn.

Zayn threw his hands up in defense. “Fine, you caught me, I got a perfect daughter.”

Louis laughed. “As if, not with your DNA.”

“Hey!” Zayn cried, punching Louis lightly on the arm. Louis smiled distantly, trying to peek around the corner to find Harry in the crowd. “Hey, what’s going on?” Zayn asked. “You’re acting weird tonight.”

Louis sighed, biting his lip nervously. He reached into his pocket, pulling out the box and flashing its contents to Zayn. His friend’s eyes widened and his jaw dropped in shock as he gaped at Louis. “Wait,” Zayn said, pointing accusingly at Louis. “You’re seriously doing it tonight?” Louis nodded, cheekily, shoving the box back into the pocket of his jeans.

“How long have you had it?” Zayn asked.

“About seven years.” Louis said.

“What?!” Zayn cried. “You’ve seriously had it this whole time?”

“Yeah,” Louis said, taking another sip of soda, hoping for a boost of confidence to come from the overly sugary drink. “I’m scared as fuck.”

“Don’t be,” Zayn reassured him. “It’s Harry! He’s gonna say yes. He’s been wanting to get married to you since the X Factor.”

“Seriously?” Louis asked, genuinely surprised.

“Yeah, he used to fantasize about it,” Zayn said.

Louis smiled, blushing at the thought. He took a deep breath. “Well, what are you doing waiting around?” Zayn asked. “Go! Go tell him, take him somewhere romantic. Don’t have sex,” He added warningly.

Louis laughed. “Don’t worry about it.” He tried to take another sip of soda, but he ended up needing more than a sip, and he downed the rest of the bottle. Zayn stared at him blankly, arching an eyebrow, but Louis shrugged it off, sighing shakily and walking into the crowded living room.

Their album was being blasted at full volume, and Louis could distinctly hear Harry’s deep voice over the harmonies in Ready To Run. Maybe he was just listening just for Harry’s voice.

He searched the room, looking around for Harry. When he finally laid eyes on him, he sighed in frustration. Harry was captivated in a conversation with Beau and Calli, smiling and laughing with them. Louis pursed his lips, walking up to them.

“Hey!” He said, trying to disguise how flustered he truly was.

“Hi Louis!” Calli cried, smiling cheerfully at him.

Louis shrugged his response, taking a shaky breath. “How’s Rowan?” He asked, cursing himself for not getting to the point.

“She’s good, staying with her Grandmum,” Beau said, wrapping an arm around his bride. They’d been married a couple months before, Louis and Harry were invited, it was a very beautiful event. However, their wedding was not the one on Louis’ mind.

“That’s nice,” Louis said. “Hey, uh, can I borrow Harry for a minute?”

“Yeah, no worries.” Calli smiled, waving a hand dismissively.

Harry smiled at Louis as he led him through the crowd by the hand. “What’s this about?” He asked.

“You’ll see,” Louis said, barely containing his excitement. Suddenly, Liam appeared in front of him.

“Hey, Lou,” He said, “Can you help me with something really quick?”

Ready To Run ended, and Where Do Broken Hearts Go started as Louis let go of Harry’s hand, pulling Liam to the side. “Can this wait?” He asked, “I’m kinda trying to do something with Harry.”

“What are you gonna do?” Liam asked. “Propose or something?” Louis hesitated. Liam’s eyes widened. “Holy fuck!” He cried. “You’re gonna-” “Yeah, no shit!” Louis snapped, effectively shutting Liam up. “Now if you excuse me, I’ve got something to take care of.” Liam nodded as Louis turned back around, only to find that he’d lost Harry in the crowd once again.

This time Harry stood near Niall, engaging in yet another cheery conversation. Louis sighed nervously, walking over. “Hey, I need to talk to you for a minute.” He told Harry. Harry nodded, waving goodbye to Niall and following Louis.

They walked outside, stepping onto Zayn and Gigi’s porch. They still heard the music from inside, as Where Do Broken Hearts Go ended, and 18 finally came on. Louis sighed at the familiar tune. It couldn’t be more perfect. This was their song.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Harry asked, laughing.

Louis sighed shakily, his heart racing a million miles an hour. He reached out, holding one of Harry’s hands within both of his. “Harry,” he started, taking in a deep breath. He could do this. Slowly, he dropped down to his knee, steadying himself on the ground as Harry gasped, clasping his free hand to his mouth. “I love you so much, you know?” Harry nodded, tears springing to his eyes. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I’ve wanted to do this forever, but some things got in the way,” He professed, his chin trembling as tears pricked the back of his eyes. “But you’re here now, and it’s never been more perfect than this.” He took a shaky breath. “I’ve loved you for years, and I want to love you for the rest of my life.” A tear slipped down his cheek as he fumbled, reaching into his pocket and pulling out the ring box.

“I want to do everything with you,” He said, opening it, revealing the emerald and sapphire ring inside. “I want to marry you, and start our own family, just like we always planned, right?” Harry nodded, laughing nervously. “So, Harry Styles, will you make me the happiest man alive, and marry me?” Louis asked nervously, his heart beating like a drum inside of his chest.

Harry squeezed his eyes shut, crying. He nodded. “Yes,” he choked out. “Yes, yes, yes!” Louis smiled, crying as he got up, wrapping his arms around Harry, kissing him passionately. “I love you so much,” he cried as he slipped the ring over Harry’s finger, marveling at the way it sparkled. Funnily enough, it even matched his nails, painted a blue-green sort of color. “Thank you,” Harry whispered, burying his face in Louis’ neck.

Louis sniffed. “What do you say we tell everyone inside?” He asked, laughing through his tears. Harry nodded, taking a deep breath and wiping away his tears.

Louis smiled brightly as they walked back in. So much had happened in the past year. He was back with the love of his life, he was finally free from the hell he was living in, and he could be with Harry, unafraid of what the world thought of them.

All was found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading this. this is my second work, and the first one i've completed, and i can't believe people actually read it and liked it. i have so much planned to write, but for now, this has been amazing to write. I can't wait for what's coming. i love you all. 
> 
> <3, Lili


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